🥳 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 10 🥳
Happy Monday, y’all!
I heard Christmas music blaring on the loud speakers while I was grocery shopping on Sunday. Is it too early for Christmas music? The answer is, unequivocally, yes. Christmas music should be played starting December 1. If you can’t contain yourself and want to bump Mariah Carey or Michael Bublé on the day after Thanksgiving, I don’t love it but will allow it because I’m not the Grinch. But from now until then? Take a lap to get the ants out of your pants. I ask so respectfully, of course.
VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Do you know what the best way is to avoid something like this? Don’t freaking go skydiving. The only time I will go skydiving is when I’m 95 years old and hyped up on a bunch of hard drugs.
Despite almost getting smoked by the plane — cue Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” in that event — these yahoos somehow managed to recover and were able to get in formation to lock hands like they’re playing Red Rover. “Red Rover, Red Rover, I call the plane over.”
Nevertheless, if I was going to crap my pants, I would prefer to do so in the comfort of my own home, not at 16,000 feet.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
OutKick: MONKEY BELONGING TO TEXAS SPECIAL TEAMS COACH’S STRIPPER GIRLFRIEND BITES CHILD ON HALLOWEEN
This headline and accompanying article were not written by the Onion, Babylon Bee, or any satirical website. Nope, this is a real-life story.
First things first: I’m not going to poke fun at this Texas coach for dating a stripper because (1) I don’t have a girlfriend, so it’s a bit hypocritical of me to judge who he is dating; and (2) she was on the Jerry Springer Show and showed off her superb pole-dancing skills, so you know she’s legit. If Jerry Springer designates her as the G.O.A.T., then she’s the G.O.A.T. I don’t make the rules, I only follow them.
However, I will not only poke fun at but I will roast the Texas coach’s stripper girlfriend like a marshmallow for owning a pet monkey. Owning a pet monkey is diabolical as is having said pet monkey assist you in your stripping duties, which seems to be the case for the Pole Assassin according to the above article. To make matters worse, this monkey was unhinged like you would not believe (shocker) because the monkey’s jaw reportedly had to be pried off the kid.
Tubz Unfiltered’s Three Rules for Having a Pet Monkey:
Don’t have one. But if you must, see Rules 2 and 3.
It needs its own prescription of Xanax.
If you’re parading that thing around during Halloween, your house has to give out king-sized candy bars.
Altogether, what is more diabolical — owning a snake or a monkey? Flip a coin in my opinion, but people that have either a snake or a monkey are the definition of big ole yikes. If someone has both, then they are Carole Baskin-esque.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Texas A&M 20 Auburn 3: If you love defensive battles, this game was your cup of tea. Both offenses were as allergic to scoring touchdowns as I am allergic to cats. The only touchdown of the game came when Auburn QB Bo Nix (20/41, 153 yards, 26.1 QBR) lost handle of the ball while scrambling in the fourth quarter, which was scooped up by A&M and returned for a touchdown. A&M’s defensive line manhandled Auburn’s offensive line all day long, making Nix’s life an absolute nightmare.
While it may be difficult to believe, the Aggies are still very much alive to win the SEC West. If they win their remaining conference games (at Ole Miss and at LSU) and Alabama drops one of their remaining conference games (Arkansas at home, Auburn on the road), A&M will play in the SEC title game for the first time since joining the SEC in 2012.
Chiefs 13 Packers 7: Let’s start off with the positive. The defense, led by Krys Barnes (9 total tackles), played exceptionally well. I don’t know what I was more surprised by — the defense playing as well as they did or Aaron Rodgers quoting MLK while discussing why he’s against the Covid vaccine. Now the bad: Jordan Love (passing chart above). The Chiefs blitzed Love like none other on third down, which made him look as skittish as a dog that craps on the white carpet and gets caught by his/her owner. Even worse than Love was the Packers’ special teams unit. Holy hell on earth, unless they turn it around they will be the reason that the Packers don’t win the Super Bowl.
If you chuckled, feel free to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz