🍻 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 12 🍻
Happy Monday, y’all!
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VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
If I lived in Sacramento and presumably spent a pretty penny on a courtside seat to watch the lowly Kings play, I would probably blow chow, too. Notwithstanding that, this man gave absolutely zero f*cks, which reportedly caused a 20-minute delay. Most of us have been in a situation where we’ve had way too many alcoholic beverages and contracted the spins and/or saw double.
Since we are not savages, when we get the sense that we are going to be sick and become Casper the Ghost, we try to locate the nearest bathroom or trash can like we’re the second-coming of Nancy Drew. This guy was like, “Nope, this court is my toilet/trash can.” Not only did he vomit once, but did so multiple times. A middle/high school health teacher should show this video to his or her students as a prime example of having zero awareness after someone is three sheets to the wind. ✨Lesson Four: The Dangers of Binge Drinking ✨
Also, I love how the security guard motioned to Mr. Clean With A Hat to make his way toward the scene of the crime to assist with the clean-up effort. He took a couple steps and was like, “The hell I am.”
On the plus side, Mr. Pukey 🤮 had a glass half-full mentality; at least he can smile through the pain. Can’t knock him for that, but he was down so bad. He was so drunk he couldn’t even move out of his own vomit and, instead, was stuck staring into the abyss. 🎵 Hello darkness, my old friend 🎵.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
… will return next week because I hit a self-imposed word limit. I will not apologize, but I vow to be better next week.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Utah 38 Oregon 7: This game was literally over by halftime as the Utes built a 28-0 advantage. They delivered a big ole kick to the plums when they returned a punt for a touchdown in the closing moments of the first half. In sum, Utah paper cut Oregon to death. That is, Kyle Whittingham’s squad dominated on the ground (50 carries for 208 yards) and held a distinct edge in time of possession (35:27 to 24:33), including scoring drives of 6:22 (touchdown), 4:19 (touchdown), 6:06 (touchdown), and 7:19 (field goal). The Ducks can kiss their chances of making the College Football Playoff adios, marking the fifth consecutive year that the Pac-12 has been shut out of the CFP. Love to see it because I’m still not over the Ducks beating the Badgers in the 2012 and 2020 Rose Bowls.
The loss by Oregon certainly helps Cincinnati’s CFP chances, assuming the Bearcats win out.
If Alabama loses against Georgia in the SEC Championship Game in two weeks, which is a likely outcome in my opinion, what team gets the fourth spot assuming Ohio State and Cincinnati win out — Oklahoma State? Notre Dame? Oklahoma? If Oklahoma State wins out, I like their chances.
Kansas City Chiefs 19 Dallas Cowboys 9: Are the Chiefs back to being one of the best teams in the AFC? I’m still slightly skeptical, but what has really been the catalyst for this team as of late has been their defense. They went from being certified trash to limiting one of the best offenses in the league to 9 points and no touchdowns. Granted, the Cowboys were without starting wide receiver Amari Cooper because he joined The Aaron Rodgers Anti-Vaccine Crusade; WR CeeDee Lamb did not play in the second half after suffering a concussion on the Cowboys’ last possession of the first half; and LT Tyron Smith was out with an ankle injury. Regardless, the player of the game was, without a doubt, Chiefs’ defensive stud Chris Jones (pictured above), who finished with 3.5 sacks, 2 tackles for loss, and 1 fumble recovery. He was on a mission more than a fat boy on his way to the buffet table.
One of the most crucial sequence of events happened toward the end of the first half. Micah Parsons, who had another outstanding performance (2 sacks and 2 tackles for loss), chased down Patrick Mahomes and forced a fumble, recovered by Dallas. On the ensuing possession, with the Cowboys down 16-3, Dak Prescott threw a contested ball to Lamb in the end zone, resulting in an INT. Lamb never saw the field again and the Cowboys could not get over the hump in the red zone in the second half.
If you chuckled, feel free to forward to others and/or share on social (you may benefit from doing so!). Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz