🐍 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 15 🐍
Snakes on ESPN; #SorryForPartying; the Las Vegas Raiders were v stupid on Sunday.
Happy Monday, y’all!
Apologies for the lateness … What sucks more: (1) accidentally pouring a salt packet, instead of a sugar packet, in your coffee and taking a sip OR (2) being a Chicago Bears fan? For what it is worth, both leave a horrendous taste in your mouth after consuming.
(Reminder: share this week’s newsletter with a friend and be entered to win a $20 Amazon gift card. Rules are here. Winner will be revealed next week.)
🛀 TUBZ, EXPLAINED 🛀
I have a handful of new subscribers (welcome!), so I thought I would re-introduce the backstory of Tubz. After a long night of drinking with the boyz many moons ago, I contracted the spins. Tough scene and something you absolutely want to avoid. I've already shared too much, but I'm not a quitter so full steam ahead. (Keep in mind this newsletter is called Tubz Unfiltered for a reason.)
I walked my then-cankles to the bathroom in order to get rid of said spins. Long story short, I may or may not have took a cat nap in a bath tub to make sure I was in the clear before returning to my place of rest — a couch in my buddy's apartment. I woke up on the couch a few hours later and that buddy wondered why there were paint chips on his couch. At first I said I was not sure, but I had too much guilt so, soon thereafter, I acknowledged that I took a cat nap in the tub.
Later that night, said buddy and another buddy called me Tubs at the Bucks game because of the incident. I replaced the “S” with a “Z” to give me more street cred.
End of story. Tubz, Explained.
VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Look, I understand the need to fill air time, especially when a School of the Blind is playing against a top-notch Division-1 program like Ohio State, but this is a bridge too far for me. First off, there is roughly two minutes left in the first half in a fairly close contest, so it is way too early in the game to talk about how early in life a certain type of snake — ball python, to be exact — start going to pound town becoming sexually active and the exact timeframe when they go butts to nuts of their mating season.
Not to mention, according to one of the comments on the above Twitter post made by a presumed resident snake expert, ball pythons become sexually active within about two years and, according to a quick Google search, even sooner. Thus, on top of being creepy, Adams is spreading misinformation. Sad!
Also, why did he feel the need to talk about snakes? There are so many better animals in our ecosystem that are worth discussing: dogs, hippos, giraffes, horses, lions, tigers, bears (oh my!), moose, kangaroos … I could keep going on and on (except for cats — again, a bridge too far for me).
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
BBC News: Finland's PM sorry for clubbing after Covid contact
The Finland prime minister, Ms. Nice On The Eyes, made an oopsie and painted the town red after her foreign minister tested positive for the CoCo. She was initially told by someone in her cabinet — or maybe it’s called a shelf over in Finland, not exactly sure — that she was gucci to go on with her life and not isolate, but that big ole dumb-dumb, or possibly another dumb-dumb, reversed course and told her she needed to isolate. That text was sent to her work phone, which she obviously left at home when she hit up the clubs. Good for her — we all need to decompress from our work responsibilities from time to time, especially when your job is to, ya know, run a country.
Not only is it impressive that Ms. Marin became the youngest prime minister in the history of the world (!!) when she was elected in 2019, it is equally as impressive that she was reportedly spotted going ham until 4 AM. I’m 29 and can barely stay out past 1 AM. Ms. Marin is 36.
That Monday morning meeting must have been absolutely brutal. If I was advising her that day, I would simply say: Delegate for the rest of the day more than anyone has ever delegated in the history of the world leaders. Or re-schedule everything until Tuesday.
Ms. Marin missed a golden opportunity to release the following statement once the news hit the mainstream: “FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: #SorryForPartying.” I think people in show business call that playing the role of a heel, but don’t quote me on that.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Strike A Pose: The Heisman Trophy ceremony took place Saturday in rat-infested New York City — cool skyscrapers there, though — and Alabama gunslinger Bryce Young, a Gumby lookalike (6’0”, 194 lbs), took home college football’s coveted top individual trophy. In 13 games, the California native threw for 4,322 yards and 43 touchdowns, with only four (!!) interceptions. If you ain’t first, you’re last, Aidan Hutchinson (who finished in second).
The Heisman has turned into a “Who’s the best quarterback in the country?” award as a quarterback has won the award 19 times since 2000. Non-QBs: USC RB Reggie Bush in 2005 (vacated 😠); Alabama RB Mark Ingram in 2009; Alabama RB Derrick Henry in 2015; and Alabama WR Devonta Smith last year. Comparatively, a quarterback won the Heisman only nine times from 1970 through 1999 whereas a non-quarterback won the award 21 times during that same time period.
Chiefs 49 Raiders 8: For starters, a scorigami! But that is not why I am showcasing this game. I am showcasing this game to show how moronic (that’s me being nice) the Raiders are. That is, the Raiders thought they were hot sh*t and proceeded to huddle up on the Chiefs’ midfield logo prior to the game. Non-dumb teams huddle up in the locker room or, at the very least, do not huddle up on the opposing team’s logo. Not to mention, they took a victory lap with their team bus around Arrowhead Stadium after they beat the Chiefs last season. Who in their right mind thought either maneuver was a good idea? Both maneuvers are like never hitting on 16 or splitting 10s in Blackjack. One is definitely not like the other, but the point remains: next-level dumb.
Regardless, the Chiefs proved they actually are hot sh*t by curb stomping the Raiders from start to finish, without a touchdown by Travis Kelce or Tyreek Hill. They led 35-3 at halftime. Dumb actions have consequences. And the Chiefs are back to being one of the best teams in the AFC, and possibly the entire NFL, all in the span of a few weeks.
If you chuckled, make sure to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz