🍖 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 17 🍖
NEW VERSION — Wet Jump Shot By Third Grade Teacher; Meat Sniffers; Big NFL Weekend
Happy Monday, y’all!
Hope y’all had a great Christmas with your family. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, hope you enjoyed your Chinese take-out on Saturday.
I asked Santa for some hair and he dropped the ball once again.
*Congrats to Vince Jankiewicz on winning the $20 Amazon gift card!
VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Ms. Teacher’s jump shot is wetter than the Nile. My sweet sassy goodness, let me smoke a pack, or two, of that jumper every day of the week and I will deal with the consequences later. Before the coughs hit me, you might like to know that Ms. Teacher, who goes by Kathleen Fitzpatrick a/k/a Ms. Fitz, was a former hooper at Rutgers and Saint Joseph’s (SJU). She led SJU in 3-pointers and free throw percentage during her final season there (2015-16), which should come as no surprise because of how silky that release and follow through are.
Ms. Fitz, a third grade teacher at Holy Trinity School in Washington D.C., told SportsCenter anchor Sage Steele that she usually plays basketball with her third graders at recess and “does not really take it lightly.” (h/t New York Post). Good for you, Ms. Fitz, because as I like to say from time to time: f*ck dem kids. Real talk, though — it was great to see the kids jump up and down with such joy, knowing that they would eventually be rewarded with some liquid chocolate and a big ole sugar rush.
When was the last time you jumped up and down like that? For me, it was when I saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Before schooling the little tykes in basketball each and every time she steps on the court, hopefully she occasionally steals a page from the Billy Madison playbook.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Wall Street Journal: Think Santa Is Busy? Ham Sniffers Are Pushing Their Noses to the Limit
Imagine going to a dinner party, asking a stranger what he or she does for work, and that person replies, “I’m a ham sniffer.” That person would probably dress it up a bit more and say they are a calador (the actual title), but at the end of the day they sniff ham for a living. What a world.
Anyway, let’s get into the nuts and bolts of working at a ham sniffing enterprise. The company cited in the article has six professional sniffers, including one sniffer (Mr. Vega) that sniffs year-round. The human equivalent of a bunch of drug dogs, in a way, but I am going to take a stab in the dark and proclaim that they do not bark when they come across a bad ham.
During low season, in February, Mr. Vega will smell 200 hams a day, he said. Now at the climax of demand he is whiffing 800 loins a day—that’s 3,200 sniffs. He is strained, he said, “at the limit of human possibility.” He has started taking 10-minute breaks every two hours.
And if demand increases? “I will find a way to sniff 801,” he said. “Perhaps 802 is possible.”
Hell, if I were to sniff 10 hams a day, I can guarantee you I would become a vegan faster than the little piggy went to the market. So after sniffing 800 gotdamn hams in a day?!
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Titans 20 49ers 17: The Niners really let this one get away, and they mainly have Jimmy Garoppolo to blame.
San Francisco’s first drive of the game was methodical and all around beautiful football, ending in a touchdown. They then got the ball back shortly thereafter and turned in another impressive drive, only for Jimmy G to throw an inexcusable interception in the end zone.
On the team’s first possession after halftime, leading 10-3, the GQ model threw another tough interception. The Titans scored on their next possession to tie it up (18-yard reception by AJ Brown).
Tennessee eventually won at the buzzer on the foot of Randy “He’s a fatso (respectfully)” Bullock, which was set up by a 23-yard scramble by QB Ryan Tannehill a few plays prior.
Brown, playing in his first game since Week 11, pulled a Greg Jennings and put the team on his back with the following stat line: 11 receptions (16 targets) / 145 yards / 1 touchdown.
Colts 22 Cardinals 16: The Colts started the game down three starting offensive linemen then lost two more starters in the first half, which means they were down their entire starting offensive line for a decent chunk of the first half and the entire second half. And they still won! Gritty victory by Frank Reich’s crew.
Despite running behind a bunch of plumbers, Jonathan Taylor still ran for 108 yards on 27 carries. Let’s put it in context, though — something that is sorely missing from our media landscape 😉 — if you take away his run of 43 yards on the team’s first offensive possession, Taylor only accumulated 65 yards on 26 carries. No need to do the math on that yards-per-carry average because it is trash.
QB Carson Wentz did not necessarily pick up the slack because he is the equivalent of getting a nice pair of socks for Christmas. Sure, they serve a purpose and can be flashy from time to time, but they are probably not going to win you the Best Dressed Award (or, in the football context, the Super Bowl). To that end, his game-clinching touchdown pass on third down with under seven minutes remaining was filthy.
The Cardinals’ late-season collapse continues. After starting the season 7-0, they are 3-5 since and play the Cowboys this week, which should be interesting because … who has worse game management skills? Cardinals HC Kliff Kingsbury or Cowboys HC Mike McCarthy? On third down with roughly 45 seconds remaining, from Indy’s 10-yard line, instead of taking one more shot to the end zone, a play that probably would have taken a maximum of six seconds, Kingsbury elected to kick a field goal instead. Yikes.
If you chuckled, make sure to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz