💨💩 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 18 💨💩
Yung White Boy Jeezy; Luxury fart jars; CFB National Championship + Best Week 18 ever
Happy Monday, y’all!
Today’s volume is intentionally late, because I wanted to recap the final college football game of the season. I am ready for bed because I am a 59-year-old trapped in a 29-year-old’s body.
VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Pillsbury Dough Boy Jr. Devin went hard in the paint here. Good for him. You love to see this lil whipper snapper bust multiple rhymes before the Bengals beat the Chiefs in Week 17 to clinch the AFC North, their first division title since 2015. He has probably been signing this song in his bedroom since it was initially released. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect and Devin absolutely nailed it. He leaned with it and rocked with it, was moving his hand and head to the rhythm of the music, and bleeped himself when necessary (except one f-bomb, but you can’t blame him). Exquisite.
If Devin is not involved in the pre-game festivities for the Bengals’ wild card game against the Raiders, Cincinnati is destined to lose.
P.S. Are Devin and fried chicken kid related? They have to be …
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
First off, I am glad that this young lady is OK. To be only 31 and have a heart attack scare is nothing to take lightly. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, what would be worse — (a) pooping your pants in the middle of a forest, or (b) having to go to the hospital because you think you are having a heart attack since you are loading up on certain foods to make you gassy in order to sell some grade-A farts to a bunch of weirdos? Six of one, half a dozen of the other from my vantage point, but I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.
Here’s the biggest question I have: is selling farts that much more profitable than, say, snapping feet pics or jarring bathwater and selling those items to middle-aged horny freak shows? For reference, Ms. Matto sold jars of her fart for $1,000 a pop and made $200,000. That is equal parts outrageous and disgusting.
In true entrepreneurship fashion, when the doctor said she needed to change her diet and, therefore, retire the fart jars, she shifted toward selling fart jar NFTs for “.05 ether, which at the current exchange rate works out to about $191, not including ethereum’s notoriously high gas fees.” Right here if you are interested. (Please do not be interested.)
Make no mistake about it: She is definitely cut from a different cloth. A cloth with poop streaks possibly, but a different cloth nevertheless.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Georgia 33 Alabama 18: What started as a Big Ten-esque rock fest turned out to be a top notch national championship game. Defense! Defense! Defense! through almost three quarters, then the flood gates opened. After Georgia scored the first offensive touchdown of the game with under two minutes left in the third quarter to take a 13-9 lead, here’s how the next seven drives went: Alabama FG (13-12 Georgia), Georgia turnover, Alabama touchdown (18-13 Alabama), Georgia touchdown (19-18 Georgia), Alabama punt, Georgia touchdown (26-18 Georgia), Georgia pick-six (33-18 Georgia).
Through the first three quarters, there was no difference between a jar of fart and the play of Georgia QB Stetson Bennett. Both were stinky. But then he totally redeemed himself when he threw a b-e-a-utiful pass to Adonai Mitchell in the back of the end zone to take the lead, 19-18, and the Bulldogs did not look back from there. I always thought that Kirby Smart had a punchable face — I mean that respectfully, of course. Now he’s a national champ with a punchable face.
Does Alabama win this game if they have their top two wide receivers — John Metchie (tore his ACL in the SEC Championship Game) and Jameson Williams (injured his knee in the second quarter and never returned)? Maybe, but credit to Georgia’s defense for frustrating Bryce Young for most of the night. Defense wins championships.
Raiders 35 Chargers 32 (OT): What an unbelievable way to cap off the 2021 regular season. Easily the best regular season game since Chiefs-Rams in 2018, and I believe the Raiders-Chargers game has the edge over Chiefs-Rams because of the stakes. Once the Colts choked against the lowly Jaguars, a tie between the Raiders and Chargers would have meant both teams making the playoffs. And we were pretty damn close to that happening! The Chargers converted three fourth-down attempts on their final drive of regulation, with Justin Herbert throwing dime after dime including a touchdown pass to Mike Williams at the end of regulation to tie the game at 29. Herbert is a special talent.
There was a lot of chatter about Staley calling a timeout after 2nd down on the Raiders’ second and final overtime possession. The argument went as follows: if Staley did not call a timeout, the Raiders were going to run the clock out and the game would end in a tie. In real time, I agreed with this argument. However, after further thought and after reading this article by ESPN’s Bill Barnwell, I am convinced that the Raiders were at least going to attempt a field goal from the Chargers’ 39-yard line as time expired if they did not gain any yards on third-and-four. Not to mention, why would the Raiders want to tie? Sure, a tie would guarantee the team’s first postseason appearance since 2016, but a tie would also mean a first round matchup with the Chiefs. As Herm Edwards once said, “you play to win the game!”
Whether Staley botched the call or not is all background noise because Josh Jacobs rushed for 10 yards on that third down, which led to a 47-yard field goal attempt for Daniel Carlson. Right down the d*ck for the win. The Chargers’ achilles heel the entire season was their run defense, so it is poetic justice that comes back to bite them. You can definitely blame Staley for that.
If you chuckled, make sure to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz