♿ Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 24 ♿
Second coming of Jason Bourne; Rams' photographer fractures her spine; Malice in Madison.
Happy Monday, y’all!
It is a jam-packed newsletter today, and so I will spare y’all with my traditional opener today because my fingers hurt.
VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Holy hell, it is second coming of Jason Bourne. Wait, let me rewatch this video. OK, I rewatched it. It is not the second coming of Jason Bourne. Instead, it is a big ole dumb-dumb that thought he was going to pull off one of the most athletic feats known to mankind, yet he ended up shattering a windshield with an audience surrounding him too stunned to speak.
His boys were probably hyping him up so much prior to this move. Only for it to end worse than the war in Afghanistan. Whoops.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Business Insider: Rams and Matt Stafford to pay for photographer’s hospital bills
This chick, the team photographer, fractured her spine (and deleted her Twitter account!) while photographing Matt Stafford and his wife, Kelly, at the Rams’ Super Bowl parade. Tough scene. Matt, presumably more sauced than Joe Namath on Monday Night Football back in the day, took one look at the photographer, mildly winced, said (I think), “oh my god,” and proceeded to walk in the complete opposite direction. At least Kelly looked like she cared for the photographer’s wellbeing.
Am I surprised by Matt’s reaction? Stafford grew up in Highland Park, Texas, a very wealthy Dallas suburb. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones lives there. Highland Park residents think that their shit does not stink and they also have massive sticks up their asses. Thus, I am not by surprised by Stafford’s reaction.
Nice gesture by the Stafford’s to cover the bills, though, especially in this economy.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Wisconsin 77 Michigan 63: Whew. Lot to unpack from this one. Let’s start off with what happened on the court during regulation. After Michigan rattled off seven points in a row to take a 38-33 lead with a little under 19 minutes left in the game, Wisconsin head coach Greg Gard called a timeout to get his guys back on track. (Apparently he called one too many timeouts in the second half, but more on that later.) Over the next 11-ish minutes, Wisconsin went on a 23-3 run to blow the game wide open.
Johnny Davis showed, especially in the second half, why he will be a first-team All-American selection and is one of the frontrunners, if not the frontrunner, for National Player of the Year, finishing with 25 points and 6 rebounds (11/17 from the field) for the game. To state the obvious, Johnny Takeover is such a thrill to watch and us Badger fans should not take him for granted. Also, not enough people are discussing the stellar play of Chucky Hepburn. The freshman is only averaging 1.2 turnovers per game this season in roughly 31 minutes of action per game. In Sunday’s contest, he registered 10 points, 4 assists, and 3 steals, with only one turnover, in 35 minutes.
Enough of that. Let’s get into the WWE action. The outcome is all but decided. Gard wanted to get his reserves some court time, so he called a timeout with 48 seconds left. Michigan head coach Juwan Howard, with a dump in his pants worse than a newborn baby, decided to call for a full-court press “pressure five” defense for the remainder of the game. (Howard mentioned in his post-game press conference that it was not a full-court press, but rather a “pressure five” defense. Kudos to him for a helluva spin zone.)
The reserves had a difficult time handling the press “pressure five” defense, so Gard called a timeout with 15 seconds left. The reason he did that, as he acknowledged in his post-game presser, was to reset the 10-second count to cross half court after the ball was inbounded. Gard noted they only had four seconds left to get over the time line prior to the timeout. Howard did not like that move at all.
Frankly, it was a bush league move by Gard to call a timeout there — simply let the game play out and give Howard some choice words after the game — but it was also a bush league move by Howard to be calling a “pressure five” defense down by 15. So in essence, the end of the game turned into a pissing contest, but Howard lost the right to complain about that timeout when he decided to call a “pressure five” defense with the game practically over.
After the pistol-whipping was complete and the clock hit triple zeros, Howard initially did not get in the post-game handshake line because the poor wittle baby tripped on his blankie. The two coaches eventually met in the handshake line and, well, roll the tape …
Howard is a baby back [female dog] and a coward. After Howard told Gard that he would remember that timeout, Gard simply wanted to discuss why he took the timeout. Nothing more, nothing less.
If you are keeping score at home, this is not Howard’s first incident of getting physical with an opposing head coach. During the prior altercation, he ALLEGEDLY told then-Maryland head coach Mark Turgeon during a Big Ten tournament game last year that he was going to f*cking kill Turgeon. Again, ALLEGEDLY.
Howard will be suspended for what he did in Madison. Will he be terminated by the his employer? I would be shocked if he was.
Do not be surprised if UW’s Jahcobi Neath, Michigan’s Moussa Diabate, and Michigan’s Terrance Williams II are all suspended, as it appears they were tossin’ some right hooks.
On the bright side, it looks like Carter Gilmore pulled Johnny Davis away from the scrum. Thank the heavens above. What should Gilmore receive for his heroic effort? Definitely not more playing time, but a pat on the back from Gard should do the trick.
At the end of the day, this move by Jim Snider, the team’s strength and conditioning coach, is a mood and then some.
If you chuckled, make sure to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz