🍪 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 44
Martha Stewart-Pete Davidson; Fernando Tatis is a cheater; NFC breakdown
Happy Monday, y’all!
Boy oh boy, it has been awhile since I have published this newsletter. Since July 11, to be exact. I will not sugarcoat the reason for my absence: I have been extremely busy writing an academic paper (not to brag) and was in Massachusetts for a week as well visiting family.
Speaking of my trip to Massachusetts, I am allergic to seafood, so going to the East Coast while not being able to eat any seafood is pretty much the equivalent of going to the Wisconsin (or Texas, or any other state for that matter) State Fair as a Type II diabetic. Not ideal.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Martha Stewart on Pete Davidson dating rumors: ‘He is a charming boy’
Kimmy Kardishian and Pete Davidson broke up early this week. Enter: Martha Stewart.
“I’ve invited him to come on my podcast and I look forward to hearing what he has to say,” she revealed.
It starts with a podcast invitation, which then leads to … (Also, Martha Stewart is 81! Wild.)
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Tatis Goes Bye-Bye (for the rest of the season): The MLB suspended San Diego Padres SS Fernando Tatis, Jr. for 80 games earlier this week because he tested positive for Clostebol, a performance enhancing drug. Tatitties Tatis said he took it to treat ringworm. Laugh out loud funny. That’s like saying you took cocaine, prompting a failed drug test for work, because it helped you combat allergies. Nope, I’m pretty sure you just wanted to live it up for the weekend in Miami. Both excuses are incredibly unrealistic, if not downright impossible.
I wish when a baseball player gets popped for PEDs, he would say, “I’m trying to mash taters and the PEDs would help that,” or “I fractured my wrist due to a motorcycle accident because I am a dumb-dumb, and I am trying to get back on the field faster. PEDs would help that.”
P.S. Here is a wild story on an implausible excuse that actually turned out to be true: A Canadian pole vaulter tested positive for cocaine prior to the 2016 Summer Olympics, but he blamed it on kissing a female that had taken Colombian Bam-Bam prior to meeting him. “Barber met the woman when he posted in the ‘casual encounter’ section of Craigslist for a ‘professional person,’” per Sports Illustrated. I will let you infer from that preceding sentence as you wish.
Anyway, he faced a multiyear suspension, but the Sport Dispute Resolution Centre of Canada ruled in his favor as they held that it was an inadvertent ingestion.
Who Is Going To Win the NFC: Sports content during August is a bit dry — there is no sense in recapping any preseason NFL games or MLB games because neither holds any great significance. So, let’s take a look at the betting odds (via Caesars) for which team will represent the NFC in the Super Bowl plus their wins over/under (via DraftKings), with a bit of commentary sprinkled in. I will do the AFC next week.
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Atlanta Falcons (+10,000) (Over 5 wins, +130; under, -150)
Their starting quarterback is Marcus Mariota, who was a glorified clipboard holder for the last two years. They have one legitimate pass catcher, Kyle Pitts — who knows about rookie WR Drake London — and their defense is akin to the Little Giants. They will be the worst team in football.
Prediction: Under 5 wins
Seattle Seahawks (+7467) (Over 5.5 wins, -140; under, +120)
The quarterback position is the biggest question mark — swaggy Drew Lock or Geno “He Can Take A Punch” Smith. Do not like either option. If they had a better quarterback like, say, Russell Wilson, they would surely contend for a playoff berth.
Prediction: Over 5.5 wins
Chicago Bears (+6000) (over 6.5 wins, +150; under, -190)
LB Roquan Smith is demanding a trade because the Bears gave him a low-ball offer, though should a rebuilding team like the Bears overpay for an off-ball linebacker? Regardless, rookie safety Jaquan Brisker could be an impact player for them this season, so the Bears at least have that going for them because the offensive side of the ball is a mess.
That is so, mainly because of the offensive line and the number of adequate pass catchers. Cole Kmet and Darnell Mooney are nice players, but the team’s No.2 and 3 wide receivers are Byron Pringle and a 25-year-old rookie, respectively.
Prediction: Under 6.5 wins
Detroit Lions (+5238) (over 6.5 wins, -120; under, +100)
Head coach Dan Campbell is the definition of a Football Guy, and his squad closed the 2021 season on a high note. I actually like the long-term prospects of this team and believe that they will finish ahead of the Bears in the standings this year. However, they are still a quarterback away from making any legitimate noise.
Prediction: Under 6.5 wins
Carolina Panthers (+5000) (over 6.5 wins, -110; under, -110)
Baker Mayfield and Sam Darnold remind me of Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in Step Brothers — two big dolts. And the man that will call the plays for them? New offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo, another big dolt. If Christian McCaffrey can stay healthy, this team could get to 8 wins, but that is a big IF given how the last two seasons have transpired.
Crummy start to owner David Tepper’s tenure. Not only has his team experienced a QB carousel since he bought the team (never a good sign), but his first hire was a college coach with very little NFL experience. When has a college coach ever had success in the NFL after immediately jumping from the college game? The list is short, if not non existent.
Prediction: Under 6.5 wins
New York Giants (+5000) (over 7 wins, -110; under, -110)
The offensive line received a boost this offseason after drafting Alabama RT Evan Neal in the first round, but the rest of the offense makes me want to hop in quicksand for the adrenaline rush because it is a much better alternative than watching this offense: QB Daniel Jones, RB Saquon Barkley (often hurt; his back-up is Matt Breida, instead of last year’s back-up Devontae Booker who is good. Whoopsie!), and WRs Kenny Golladay, Kadarius Toney, and Wan’Dale Robinson (who??).
Prediction: Under 7 wins.
Washington Commanders (+3397) (over 8 wins, +100; under, -120)
Out at quarterback is Taylor Heinicke, in is Carson Wentz. In other words, not much of an upgrade. The defense was supposed to be a killer of a unit last year (no, Ray Lewis was not on the team), but they sank faster than the Titanic. Maybe they will be better this year? Idk.
Prediction: Under 8.
Minnesota Vikings (+1895) (over 9 wins, -125; under, +105)
A new head coach! Good for them. Kirk Cousins is still the quarterback, right? Yes, yes he is. Probably good enough for a wild card spot.
Prediction: Push
Arizona Cardinals (+1749) (over 8.5 wins, -105; under, -115)
Deandre Hopkins is out for the first six games of the season because he is a cheater, so that definitely muddies the water for head coach Kliff Kingsbury. Speaking of the GQ model, here’s something interesting to chew on while he has been a head coach:
2013 (Texas Tech): Started 7-0, finished 1-5 (8-5 overall).
2014 (Texas Tech): Started 2-0, finished 2-8 (4-8 overall).
2015 (Texas Tech): Started 5-2, finished 2-4 (7-6 overall).
2016 (Texas Tech): Started 3-1, finished 2-6 (5-7 overall).
2017 (Texas Tech): Started 4-1, finished 2-6 (6-7 overall).
2018 (Texas Tech): Started 5-2, finished 0-5 (5-7 overall).
2019 (AZ Cardinals): Started 3-3-1, finished 2-7 (5-10-1 overall).
2020 (AZ Cardinals): Started 6-3, finished 2-5 (8-8 overall).
2021 (AZ Cardinals): Started 10-2, finished 1-5 (11-7 overall).
Prediction: Under 8.5 wins.
New Orleans Saints (+1749) (over 8.5 wins, -105; under, -115)
Who the hell knows with this team. On the plus side: WR Michael Thomas seems to have got the pacifier out of his mouth and, therefore, should be back to being a top-tier WR, or at least close to being one; they added added Jarvis Landry and Chris Olave to the WR room; and added Tyrann Mathieu to the defensive side on the ball. They also play the Atlanta and Carolina four total times.
On the minus side: their starting quarterback is Jameis Winston (kind of a clown, ngl) and they have a new head coach, Dennis Allen. Buddy boy was 8-28 as a head coach with the Oakland Raiders.
Prediction: Over 8.5 wins.
Philadelphia Eagles (+1300) (over 9.5 wins, -150; under, +125)
Big “prove it” year for Jalen Hurts. The Eagles got him a legitimate No. 1 wide receiver in A.J. Brown and beefed up their defense by adding DT Jordan Davis (rookie), CB James Bradberry, and OLB Haason Reddick. I believe they will win the NFC East this year.
Prediction: Over 9.5 wins.
Dallas Cowboys (+874) (over 10 wins, -110; under, -110)
D+ offseason for the Cowboys. I am giving them a D+, instead of an F, because I live in Texas and have to show respect. They lost DE Randy Gregory, WRs Amari Cooper and Cedrick Wilson, and RT La’el Collins. Plus, the trend of committing a crap ton of penalties looks to have picked up where it left off as they were called for 17 penalties in their first preseason game over the weekend.
While I am a big fan of WR CeeDee Lamb, their current No.2 wide receiver is a rookie, as free agent signing James Washington recently broke his foot and Michael Gallup is still recovering from a torn ACL. Luckily, they still have Micah Parsons to wreak havoc on defense.
Prediction: Push.
San Francisco 49ers (+750) (over 10 wins, +100; under, -120)
This season hinges a lot on the play of QB Trey Lance. If he is anything close to the real deal, the 49ers have a very good chance at making it back to the NFC Championship Game and even the Super Bowl. They play the entire NFC South, which certainly helps, but they also play the entire AFC West, which should be a gauntlet of a division this year.
Regardless, I think Trey Lance and his trio of receiving options (Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, and George Kittle) are good enough to win the division. Plus, the defensive front should be stout again, but the big question mark on that side of the ball is the secondary. If they can be above-average, woo buddy.
Prediction: Over 10 wins.
Los Angeles Rams (+500) (over 10.5 wins, +105; under -125)
An under-the-radar training camp storyline? Matt Stafford’s ailing elbow. Mike Martz, the orchestrator of the Greatest Show on Turf and, somewhat more recently, a Social Security freeloader, said in a video for the 33rd Team, “If I’m the head coach here, if I’m the coordinator and he’s still not feeling right with that arm, I’m nervous about it because we’ve had a long time here to get that arm right.”
On the bright side, the team added WR Allen Robinson in the offseason and boasts a formidable rushing attack with Cam Akers and Darrell Henderson. As long as Stafford’s elbow does not turn out to be a noodle, the Rams will probably find themselves in Super Bowl contention.
Prediction: Over 10.5 wins.
Green Bay Packers (+450) (over 11 wins, -110; under, -110)
I think the offense will be just fine, despite losing Davante Adams. In case you have not read or heard, fourth-round pick WR Romeo Doubs is the second coming of Jerry Rice, so who really needs No.17, ya feel me? I cringed while typing the last clause.
Anyway, I do not think that it is not out of the realm of possibilities that Aaron Jones and AJ Dillon become the first pair of running backs to each rush for over 1,000 yards since DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart did so with the Carolina Panthers in 2009. (Jones and Dillon would each need to average ~59 yards/game.) What about the defense? Well, they should be good enough — maybe even more than good enough — to not make me utter, “What the f**k are they doing?” every three plays.
Expect the Packers to win their fourth-straight division title, a feat they already accomplished this century (2011-2014), and once again compete for a Super Bowl title. The only other team to win the NFC North at least four straight years two separate times? The Vikings (1968-71; 1973-78), shortly after they got rid of leather helmets so does it really mean as much?
Prediction: over 11 wins
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+335) (over 11.5 wins, +110; under -130)
Tom Brady might be a backstabbing SOB, but he is also a G-Unit. Not because of that, but because he retired, then unretired — the following remarks are pure speculation — and told ownership that the head coach has gotta go and, oh by the way, told them he was only going to show up for about half of training camp.
The Bucs should cruise to an NFC South title and will surely be in contention to win the Super Bowl for the second time in three years.
Prediction: over 11.5 wins
The best value, for those that bet, is probably the Eagles or the 49ers. My prediction as to the team that will represent the NFC in the Super Bowl? Packers or the Bucs.
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New Alternate Threads for the 2021 NBA Champions: Wetter than the nile.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
I would not classify myself as a “woke” individual, generally speaking, but I am “woke” when it comes to advertising. For instance, when I hear that Red Bull gives you wings, I am woke about that, because it seems like a massive stretch. Rather, it raises my level of anxiety and — contrary to popular belief — does not raise my vertical leap.
Benny Boy Careathers also thought that slogan was a massive stretch so he filed a class action lawsuit against Red Bull, arguing false advertising. The end result? Red Bull settled the case in 2013 and the lawsuit officially ended in 2015. The final payout was $13 million.
I am now somewhat woke — note: not fully woke — about Double Stuf Oreos after reading this piece. Are they actually double-stuffed? It depends … on the metric. Based on mass, yes, according to Truth in Advertising’s experiment. Based on height, volume, and density? Negative, ghost rider.
If you chuckled, make sure to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz