🚨 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 5 🚨
Happy Monday, y’all!
I went to a music festival on Saturday in nearby Arlington, TX. Let’s just say that hangovers hit just a bit different when you’re 29, especially when you consume that much alcohol once in a blue moon. Also, check out Chromeo — I would classify them as the EDM version of Bruno Mars. They put on a helluva show.
VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
This Florida Man transplant (originally from Philly), Eugene Bozzi has a massive set of plums. Absolutely enormous. If I encounter a gator in my driveway, I’m running a 4.4 back inside my house and calling the proper authorities, but I digress.
Not only does he have a massive set of plums, he was a masterful tactician in corralling that monster. When he pushed the lid down to bait the gator then moved carefully, yet with a pep in his step, to force the gator into its temporary home — a move as smooth Michael Jackson’s moonwalk. In slides, above all.
We should not be surprised by Eugene’s heroic act. He served our country in Afghanistan and has seven (!!) daughters, according to this GoFundMe that is being organized to reward Mr. Bozzi with a vacation.
Someone should organize another GoFundMe to pay for a babysitter, too.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
*I wrote this section while I was quite hungover. Do I deserve a medal? Probably not, but I will let y’all decide that.
Georgia 37 Arkansas 0: Everyone was hyping up the Razorbacks, after they beat Texas and Texas A&M earlier in the season. They were a feel-good story, and rightfully so considering how awful they’ve been over the years. But this game was grown men (Georgia) versus little church boys (Arkansas). The definition of bully ball. After five weeks, Alabama, who spanked Ole Miss, and Georgia are leaps and bounds above every other team in college football.
Dallas Cowboys 36 Carolina Panthers 28: Pretty close game in the first half (14-13 at half in favor of Carolina), but the Cowboys absolutely dominated the Panthers in the third quarter, outscoring them 23-0. Zeke and Tony Pollard ran wild throughout on the NFL’s best rush defense, combining for 210 yards and one score on 30 carries (7 yards/carry). One of the chief reasons why the Panthers got back in the game was because Trevon Diggs (INTs on back-to-back possessions in the third quarter) was benched for load management early in the fourth, according to the broadcast. Wild move by Fat Man Mike McCarthy. (I think there may have been more to the story, but whatever.) My Cowboys have a top-3 offense in the National Football League. Change my mind.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
USA Today: “McDonald's McRib is coming back”
McRib lovers, pull up because your favorite sandwich is coming back Nov. 1. I’m not a McDonald’s aficionado by any means, but the McRib is an iconic fast food sandwich. However, the fact that McDonald’s is only bringing it back for a limited time should be against the law.
I always do my due diligence when it comes to this newsletter, so I checked to determine whether there is a law on the books to address this violation of human decency, an act that defies common sense beyond belief. There is not. Thus, our lawmakers could actually do something good for once for the people of America and get the ball rolling to introduce legislation.
Regardless, not making the McRib a permanent item on the menu is as psycho/dumb as the drivers that only drive 5 MPH over the speed limit in the left lane.
Altogether, you’re offering lucrative signing bonuses (of course, it’s all relative) to entice new workers, McDonald’s. Cool, good for you. What about this for a wild idea — entice customers by selling the McRib every single gotdamn day of the year. Much better ROI.
If you chuckled, feel free to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz