🚨 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 6 🚨
Happy Monday, y’all!
This past weekend, I refrained from social media and caffeine, sprinkled in some meditation and self-hypnosis exercises, went to yoga classes, and did floatation therapy. I sort of felt like a monk and looked like one, too, minus the garb.
VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Salt-of-the-earth dude right here, with the ever-so-slight twinkle in his eyes. $685 million at his disposal (minus some change due to taxes) and this home boy would spend it on a new supercharged Mustang and five kilos of booger sugar. Nothing more, nothing less. Did you notice the hesitation in his voice? No, no you did not because there was none. This is a man with a plan that he has probably had since he started playing with Matchbox cars* and is simply speaking it into existence, which I commend to the utmost extent.**
The price per kilo of that sweet white powder appears to vary by location, ranging from $14,500 in San Diego to $45,000 in Anchorage. I’m going to take a stab in the dark and assume that the price of cocaine in Shreveport (LA) is on the low end. So, if he wins — and it would be a damn shame if he does not — he oughta upgrade from that low-grade shake in Shreveport and treat himself to that real good Colombian BamBam in the Big Easy.*** During Mardi Gras weekend would be ideal.
Best of all? Buddy the Elf will still have money left over for (a) any hospital bills and/or legal fees if he gets a little bit extra frisky and (b) whatever else his cocaine-infused heart desires.
*OK, maybe a few years after that — like when he turned 18 — but you get the point.
**For the record, Tubz Unfiltered does not condone the use of illegal drugs.
***I have no idea whether New Orleans is home to that “real good Colombian BamBam.” Just a hunch.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Oklahoma Sooners 55 Texas Longhorns 48: This game is a massive deal here in Dallas, as you might expect, and it did not disappoint. An instant classic in the Red River Shootout. Texas boat raced the Sooners early on, getting out to a 14-0 lead after the first two minutes or so and a 28-7 lead after the first quarter. Then Texas pissed the bed and they weren’t even drunk. Tough scene.
The tide turned for OU when Lincoln Riley benched QB Spencer Rattler, a Heisman favorite to start the year, in favor of freshman Caleb Williams. Williams, who did not play high school football last year due to COVID-19 restrictions, scored three touchdowns in relief and made it rain more than James Harden at a strip club in an NBA city. 11 seconds left, on Texas’ 33-yard line, you would think a field goal attempt would be imminent for OU. Try again, as running back Kennedy Brooks scampered 33 yards for the game winner.
Buffalo Bills 38 Kansas City Chiefs 20: The Bills were up 24-13 at halftime then I fell asleep because the second half didn’t resume until after 10pm CST. Call me funny and witty, but don’t call me a night owl or young and spry because that would be a lie. Anyway, here’s my analysis:
Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.
The Chiefs should play better defense.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Billboard — Nick Cannon Plans to Be Celibate After Welcoming Baby No. 7: 'Enough Frolicking'
I would proclaim that Nick Cannon is living the dream with how much baby makin’ he is doing, but being a father to seven total children — including four lil whippersnappers in the last year — with several different females is the farthest thing from living the dream, ladies and gentlemen. His child support payments have child support payments, that’s how bad Cannon’s situation is currently.
However, you have to respect that Cannon plans to be celibate until 2022. I’m all for people trying to better themselves. To that end, I am not confident in Cannon doing so. That would be like Mormons announcing that they are going to stop being complete weird asses for the rest of the calendar year. Tough to change one’s identity when it comes so naturally.
What Cannon needs, at the end of the day, is an intervention to get him back on the right track and to save him a boat load of moola. And I know the person to lead the charge: Michigan football head coach Jim Harbaugh. Why Harbaugh? Because he is not afraid to ask the uncomfortable questions (3:37-3:44).
Cannon’s future sexual partners/baby mommas might object to that line of questioning for obvious reasons, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
If you chuckled, feel free to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz