🚨 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 9 🚨
Happy Monday, y’all!
My mind is on injured reserve (IR) for this week’s newsletter. The cause of that is spending Saturday in Madison with my college buddies and others. I’m down so bad that I ordered a LifeAlert device and an IV. Despite being in Madison for Halloween, I did not partake in the costume festivities and so going to the bars with a bunch of college kids that did partake made me feel older than someone eagerly awaiting for their AARP card.
As a result, there are a lot of people that are having a much better start to their week than me. Alec Baldwin is probably not one of those people (sorry).
VIRAL VIDEO OF THE WEEK
What voodoo magic did I just watch? My back and neck — my whole body, who am I kidding — were in pain just watching this. Unbelievable. The biggest takeaway was not the impeccable dance moves, though. Nope. The biggest takeaway was the way Iman Shumpert, former NBA baller, looked at that old geezer at the end, with his big ole googly eyes (1:36). That had to make the old geezer poop in his Depends. Did Shumpert intimidate the judges to give him a perfect score? Probably not, but the question had to be asked.
With enough liquid coverage, do you think you/I could score a perfect score on the dance floor at a local establishment? If the score was based on laughs alone, it’s certainly possible. Never say never. Anyway, S/O to Shumpert and Ms. Goldilocks for not needing any liquid coverage to pull off a perfect score.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
The Sacramento Bee: Lost hiker ignored calls from rescuers because of the unknown number, CO officials say
I don’t blame this hiker at all. I have a very firm policy, as I’m sure some of you do as well, that I will not answer any calls from numbers I do not recognize. Oh, someone is trying to save my life but I don’t recognize the number? Survival of the fittest, I will figure out a way to rise above. If you do not stand for something, you will fall for anything. Regardless, while I’m not trying to tell people how to do their job, I think the authorities could have left a voicemail to express some urgency like, “Hey, Mr. Hiker. Seems like you’re lost. Give me a call at your earliest convenience so that we can end this sh*t and celebrate with multiple IPAs and the devil’s lettuce.”
Now, there is a chance that Mr. Hiker is a millennial and therefore does not listen to voicemails, so such an effort by the authorities would be for naught, but at least the authorities would have tried every possible avenue to get in touch with him.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Packers 24 Cardinals 21
The Packers had absolutely no business winning this game. They were without their All-Pro left tackle, their All-Pro cornerback, their top three wide receivers, one of their best pass rushers, their starting center, their defensive coordinator due to Covid, and lost tight end Bobby Tonyan to injury in the third quarter.
Aaron Jones and AJ Dillon put the team on their backs like the monsters they are, racking up 137 yards on 31 carries collectively.
When the Packers were stuffed on the 1-yard line toward the end of the game on fourth down, I thought the ending had “heartbreak city” written all over it. Instead, our defense finally made a play in crunch time to seal the victory — what a time to be alive.
Wisconsin 27 Iowa 7: I was lucky enough to go to the game and it was so great to witness a complete ass kicking with my dad and two of my buddies.
The offensive line, who did not play up to Wisconsin standards through the first seven game, played their best game of the season as they did not allow a single quarterback hurry. The big boys were eatin’!
The defense played lights out from start to finish — they finished with six sacks and 10 tackles for loss, forced three turnovers, and limited Iowa to less than one (!) yard per carry. Oh, and Iowa did not record a first down until roughly two minutes left in the first half. Best defense in school history??
The play of the game was the fourth-and-one stop from UW’s 40 yard line in the third quarter. The Badgers sputtered out offensively in the third, and the momentum seemed to shift in the Hawkeyes’ favor. UW stuffed a fullback dive then scored on its next possession. Game over.
I thought Paul Chryst & Co. were in serious danger of missing a bowl game after the shellacking that Michigan gave them, but somehow they have won four-straight games and now control their own destiny to clinch the Big Ten West crown. Most importantly, they have an identity — a run-heavy team with an elite defense.
If you chuckled, feel free to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
I say that since we didn’t read about you in the Sunday morning news, you did ok.