🎵 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 102
SBF; Sportz; Matthew Perry
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I spent the weekend in Colorado, so today’s Volume will be lighter than usual. What was I doing in Colorado? I’m glad you asked. I got my mind blown and put in a blender — in the best way possible — by DJ Snake (the headliner) and other EDM artists at the Red Rocks Amphitheater.
I have been fortunate enough to attend countless concerts — Metallica, Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, the Rolling Stones, Dave Matthews Band, Tom Petty, and others — but all of the aforementioned concerts now compete for No. 2 in my rankings of concerts attended.
DJ Snake was that good.
The acoustics were out of this world. The environment was electric. Time practically stood still. Simply put, DJ Snake put on a masterclass and absolutely shredded, so much so that I set a personal record for head bobs at a concert.
Beyond the Saturday night concert, we went to a dance club on Friday night. My back and hips were a bit tight, but moves were made. Between my back, hips, and neck, I should probably schedule an appointment with a chiropractor.
And to be able to take in the aforementioned experiences with one of my best friends and his brothers was the ultimate cherry on top. A+ weekend, and therapeutic like you read about.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Yahoo!: What's next for Sam Bankman-Fried
Remember this dweeb? Buddy boy is back in the news as he was recently found guilty of seven counts of fraud and conspiracy for essentially stealing an obscene amount of money from FTX customers. Scumbag, no other way to put it.
He has the right to an appeal. I don’t think an appeal is going to do anything, except delay the inevitable, but if he wants to spend more money on attorney fees, he is more than welcome to do so. (His notice of appeal is due Nov. 16, and post-trial motions are due Nov. 20. Sentencing is currently scheduled for March 28, 2024.)
So how long is SBF going to the slammer for? For the rest of his life in all likelihood. The judge could throw the book at him to deter others from engaging in similar scumbag acts and/or could utilize the federal sentencing guidelines for financial crimes, though those are “advisory and not mandatory.” The guidelines include a base term plus “loss-calculation” enhancements. Prosecutors argued that SBF stole at least $10 billion, an amount that would add 30 years to his sentence. That’s a lot of showers with other dudes in open quarters. Tough.
Bankman-Fried's convictions allow for Judge Kaplan to impose a maximum sentence of 110 years.
SBF and his legal team:
As it stands today, SBF will be in the slammer on April 1. Do you think the particular prison will have him lead a discussion about financial literacy/money allocation on April Fool’s Day?
Okie dokie, let’s wrap this up. I use the following phrase in Tubz from time to time, “Touch some grass.” SBF will not be able to touch some grass because he will only be able to touch cement. Welcome to the Concrete Jungle for life, SBF.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
I did not watch any football games in full this weekend, so I’ll be back in action in that regard for Volume 103. I did read that the Badgers lost to Northwestern. It does not matter, though, because UW is a hockey and volleyball school.
Case in point, the women’s volleyball team is ranked No. 3 in the country, while the men’s hockey team and women’s hockey team are both ranked Numero Uno — for the first time since the 2006-07 season. Let’s put those pieces of information, particularly the latter, into our figurative crack pipes and smoke it.
JIMBO FISHER FIRED
Texas A&M’s Jimbo Fisher, who was thought to be the savior of Aggie football when hired in 2018, was relieved of his head coaching duties by the university on Sunday. He accumulated an overall record of 45-25, including 27-21 in SEC play, but he never made an appearance in the SEC title game. The high-water mark during his tenure came during the COVID season, one that ended with an Orange Bowl victory and a final season ranking of No. 4.
I’m sure he’s disappointed and possibly even sad, but he will be able to wipe away his tears with $100 bills because he is bucco-rich now #ChampagneProblems. The $75 million-plus buyout is the largest buyout in the history of the sport. The previous high was Gus Malzahn ($21.5 million from Auburn in 2020).
Oh, and there is no duty to mitigate, meaning he gets the full amount of the buyout even if he gets a new job. His agent, Jimmy Sexton, is a gotdamn wizard.
PLAYOFF PICTURE AHEAD OF WEEK 11
If the season ended today, here is how the playoffs would shake out in the AFC and NFC.
(1) Chiefs (7-2)
(2) Ravens (7-3)
(3) Jaguars (6-3)
(4) Dolphins (6-3)
(5) Steelers (6-3)
(6) Browns (6-3)
(7) Texans (!!) (5-4)
I know y’all can read, but the above shows that the Bengals (5-4), who just lost to the Texans, and the Bills (5-5) would be sitting at home for the playoffs if regular season play ended today. Sucks to suck. Of note, the Bills have the hardest remaining schedule, per ESPN Analytics.
I have no idea whether the Steelers can maintain their level of play to make the playoffs. They have been outgained in every single game this season.
Texans QB C.J. Stroud is playing like an MVP candidate, so I would not be completely shocked to see Houston sneak in as the No. 7 seed if the Buckeye can keep things hummin’.
The Colts (5-5) are a team to keep an eye out for regarding the final seed. They already beat the Texans and host them in the final game of the season. In between, they play the Bucs (home), Titans (away), Bengals (away), Steelers (home), Falcons (away), and Raiders (home). Not exactly a gauntlet.
The Dolphins have yet to beat a team with a record greater than .500, and they shouldn’t be challenged until the final three weeks of the season: they host the Cowboys and Bills in Week 16 and 18, respectively, and travel to Baltimore in Week 17.
— — —
(1) Eagles (8-1)
(2) Lions (7-2)
(3) 49ers (6-3)
(4) Saints (5-5)
(5) Seahawks (6-3)
(6) Cowboys (6-3)
(7) Vikings (6-4)
I don’t see any of the teams “On the Bubble” making the playoffs, except for potentially the Bucs (4-5) or the Falcons (4-6), both of whom would have to win the division. The NFC South is hot garbage.
When the 49ers are fully healthy and have their full arsenal of weapons, as was the case against Jacksonville in a dominant win on Sunday, I still believe they are the team to beat the NFC.
Can the Eagles hold off the Lions and the 49ers for the top spot? Can the Eagles hold off the Cowboys for the division crown? We’re about to find out over the next five weeks (in order): Kansas City on the road, Buffalo and San Francisco at home, and Dallas and Seattle on the road.
As much as it pains me to write this, a playoff berth for the Vikings, with Josh Dobbs under center and after a 1-4 start, would be an incredible feat.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Foundation established in Matthew Perry’s honor to help those struggling with addiction
Matthew Perry was taken away from us far too soon. His addiction was no secret, but it is soothing to see that a foundation will be set up in his honor to help those navigate through the treacherous waters of addiction.
“The Matthew Perry Foundation is the realization of Matthew’s enduring commitment to helping others struggling with the disease of addiction,” reads a statement on the website. “It will honor his legacy and be guided by his own words and experiences and driven by his passion for making a difference in as many lives as possible.”
The website also features a quote Perry made in 2022 on the “Q With Tom Power” podcast while promoting his memoir, “Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing,” that has been making the rounds since his death at the age of 54 on Oct. 28.
“When I die, I don’t want ‘Friends’ to be the first thing that’s mentioned — I want helping others to be the first thing that’s mentioned,” the quote reads. “And I’m going to live the rest of my life proving that.”
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz