📝 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 104
NFL + CFB Recap; Fall From Grace for Sports Illustrated
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Whole Foods is within walking distance of my apartment (not to brag). I needed a few items and did not want to drive to another grocery store ten minutes away, so I bit the bullet. I did not realize I would need to start an OnlyFans account in order to shop there. (If you don’t know what OnlyFans is, please do not ask.) My sweet heavens, that place is outrageously expensive.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
See You Next Week
I had a story queued up and ready to roll, but I decided against it at the last minute because the subject matter was not one that I was comfortable making jokes about after further consideration. This section will be back in action next week.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
CFB WEEK 13 RECAP
ALABAMA 27 Auburn 24: Auburn head coach Hugh Freeze beat Nick Saban twice while he was the head coach at Ole Miss, but he called some hookers while he was on recruiting visits using the school plane, so he went to Liberty University to repair his image. Anywho, he was on the heels of a third victory against Saban. Until he wasn’t.
The Auburn punt returner slipped and coughed up the ball in the process on Auburn’s 30-yard line with under five minutes left, giving the ball back to Alabama. QB Jalen Milroe picked up 19 yards on a scramble on third-and-20, and the Crimson Tide would go on to convert the fourth down to set up first-and-goal. A bad snap on second-and-goal sent the ball back all the way to the 26, and Milroe committed an illegal forward pass penalty (read the room, buddy) on the next play. FOURTH and THIRTY-ONE. What did Auburn do? They rushed four, right? Silly question. But they at least rushed three, right? They rushed two!!??
Milroe made them pay and connected with Isaiah Bond in the corner of the end zone with ~30 seconds left to keep Alabama’s playoff chances alive. On the ten-year anniversary of the Kick Six.
MICHIGAN 30 Ohio State 24: OSU head coach Ryan Day still has not stepped down from his role, and the team’s Twitter account still has not tweeted the final score. As the saying goes, 🐶🐶 ain’t shit, but hoes and tricks.
The Michigan Wolverines pulverized Kyle McCord in the first half, picking him off in Ohio State territory that led to a Michigan touchdown. As the first half clock dwindled down, Day seemingly called the game to only get a field goal. SCARED MONEY DON’T MAKE MONEY, RYAN. The Buckeyes missed a 52-yard field goal as the clock expired.
Speaking of scared money don’t make money, Michigan was 3/3 on fourth down. Ohio State did not attempt a single one.
In the second half, the Wolverines punched the Buckeyes in the mouth like primetime Mike Tyson, rushing all over the front seven. There is no doubt about it — the game was won in the trenches. Case in point, with Michigan up 27-24 with eight minutes left, the offense drained seven minutes off the clock via a 13-play drive — nine runs — that was capped off by a field goal. McCord led the Buckeyes down the field on the ensuing possession, only to throw a game-sealing interception after getting drilled like a Texas oil field.
Michigan has now defeated Ohio State in three consecutive seasons for the first time since 1995-1997. And with Michigan’s emphatic victory, the sign-stealing saga should slip into a coma and never wake up. It’s over. The Wolverines, without their head coach (!!), beat the Buckeyes fair and square. Ohio State had a golden opportunity to intensify the saga, but they squandered it. Too bad, so sad.
WASHINGTON 24 Washington State 21: In the last Apple Cup between these two programs as members of the Pac-12, the goods were delivered. On fourth-and-one from their own 29-yard line, Washington put its plums on the table and ran a nifty reverse to wide receiver Rome Odunze (7 catches, 120 yards, 2 TDs) for a 23-yard gain. A ticky-tack roughing the passer call on the next play brought the Huskies into field goal range.
Walk-on kicker Grady Gross — quite a tongue twister; try saying that name ten times fast — nailed a 42-yard field goal a few plays later to win it as time expired. He was rewarded with a scholarship in the locker room after the game. He may have smoked the hooch for the first time Saturday night as a result, can’t blame him.
IOWA 13 Nebraska 10: This game was like a relative getting sloppy drunk at a holiday function, or any function for that matter. It is embarrassing to witness, but also fun to watch.
The over/under was set for 24.5. The temperature at kickoff was 25 degrees. Holy hell, Batman. There were two (!!) interceptions in the last minute, with Iowa securing the final one that was brought back into Nebraska territory. A 22-yard run by the Hawkeyes set up a 38-yard field goal attempt. For the second-string kicker! Rest assured, the dude who was on the team for the sole reason of raising the team’s GPA drilled it to clinch a 10-win season for Kirk Ferentz & Co., despite averaging 247.3 total yards per game.
The loss on Black Friday was Nebraska’s 30th one-score loss in the last six seasons, eight more than any other FBS team. The Cornhuskers were 5-3 entering November, needing only one victory to clinch a bowl game for the first time since the 2016 season. They went 0-4. The four losses were each by one score. The more things change, the more they stay the same for Nebraska.
This is the last year of the Big Ten West and Big Ten East. Long live the Big Ten West. Awful football, but yet still so glorious. If you are curious, the Badgers finished with the most division titles. Sick. However, they will likely not sniff the B1G title game for a long time. Not sick.
CFB PLAYOFF RANKINGS
Georgia
Michigan
Washington
Florida State
Oregon
Ohio State
Texas
Alabama
In Captain Obvious news, there are massive implications this weekend. I have long contended that if a Power-5 team is undefeated (read: Florida State), they cannot be kept out of the College Football Playoff. And it appears that the Committee agrees, even though FSU will be without its starting QB Jordan Travis for the remainder of the season. If the Seminoles beat Louisville, you’re telling me they would drop a spot to No. 5? Nah.
If Alabama beats Georgia, will the Tide catapult all the way to No. 4? You cannot leave the SEC champion out of the CFP. That would be a sin and malpractice. So if Nick Saban pulls off the upset, could the Pac-12 winner be on the outside looking in on Sunday when the final rankings are revealed?
In an ideal world, the 2023 College Football Playoff, in the last year of the four-team format, would feature the four best teams: (1) Georgia, (2) Michigan, (3) Oregon, and (4) Texas. Michigan-Oregon at the Rose Bowl would have the chance to be better than hitting every green light when you’re in a rush. It would have the chance to be better than that first sip of coffee and subsequent trip to the bathroom. All told, it would be glorious.
We’ll see how it all shakes out on Saturday.
NFL WEEK 12 RECAP
PACKERS 29 Lions 22: Sooooo you’re telling me there’s a chance. After a dominating victory in which Green Bay did trail for a single second, the Packers’ playoff chances are alive and well. And Jordan Love might just be the guy. What a friggin’ rollercoaster the Love experience has been. More here.
EAGLES 37 Bills 34: Fourth straight game that Philadelphia has trailed at halftime. Fourth straight victory. The second half was back and forth like a ping-pong match, which saw Buffalo take a 31-28 lead with under two minutes. Philadelphia crossed midfield without much fanfare, but the offense dicked around thereafter. Jason Kelce committed two false start penalties because the fatso (respectfully) could not keep still, and the offensive coordinator called a questionable QB draw for Jalen Hurts that practically went nowhere. None of it mattered. In crappy conditions, Jake Elliott smoked a 59-yard field goal right down the 🍆 to send the game into overtime.
QB Josh Allen, who threw an interception earlier in the game, marking his eighth interception in as many weeks, converted two third-and-longs to start overtime, but he had a costly miscommunication with WR Gabe Davis on third-and-seven. Davis ran a corner route, but Allen was hoping that Davis would look back for the ball as Allen threw under duress. More film room needed for both of them. Buffalo settled for a field goal.
Jalen Hurts found Devonta Smith for a huge third-down conversion inside Buffalo’s 30-yard line, and two plays later, Hurts scored on a designed QB draw to drop Buffalo to 6-6. Philly just finds ways to win close games. It is absolutely insane (and impressive, coming from a Cowboys fan transplant). (But also, f*ck ‘em.)
FRANK REICH IS UNEMPLOYED
Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper bought the team in 2018. Since then, he has fired Ron Rivera, Matt Rhule, and as of Monday morning, Frank Reich. Head coach No. 4, come on down! Tepper also owns Charlotte’s MLS team, Charlotte FC. He is searching for head coach No. 3 for that club.
Tepper made an ungodly amount of money as a hedge fund manager, but make no mistake about it, he is an awful owner. Actually, you know what, I’m not afraid to attach this label to Tepper as an owner: he is a dumb dumb.
According to Sports Illustrated’s Albert Breer: “Frank Reich’s 11-game run in Carolina was the shortest tenure for an NFL head coach in 45 years.”
Reich and others in the organization reportedly wanted to select QB C.J. Stroud with the first overall pick. Stroud is running away with the Offensive Rookie of the Year award and is likely headed toward stardom. Tepper, meanwhile, wanted QB Bryce Young, who is likely headed toward working in Corporate America after his rookie contract is done (if the offensive line doesn’t get a massive overhaul in short order).
Tepper, a dumb dumb.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Sports Illustrated Published Articles by Fake, AI-Generated Writers
I used to love reading Sports Illustrated and Sports Illustrated for Kids (S/O my Uncle Tom) as well articles on SI.com, written by the likes of Peter King, Don Banks (RIP), Andy Staples, Rick Reilly, Jon Heyman, Grant Wahl (RIP), Lee Jenkins, and so many others.
Now, they publish articles that are accompanied by AI-generated author headshots. Sad fall from grace.
“At least some of the articles themselves … were churned out using AI as well.”
"The content is absolutely AI-generated," the second source said, "no matter how much they say that it's not."
After we reached out with questions to the magazine's publisher, The Arena Group, all the AI-generated authors disappeared from Sports Illustrated's site without explanation.
Is this a sign of things to come? Potentially. Game recaps written by AI on a consistent basis are not out of the realm of possibilities. In fact, there’s at least one recent example of an AI-generated game recap. That panned out in the same fashion as texting something risque to the wrong recipient.
Altogether, Tubz Unfiltered will never be written by AI. Jokes will never be generated by ChatGPT. Do you think ChatGPT could identify a dumb dumb? Nope, not even if it was smack dab in front of their face.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz