🔫 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 106
Woman gets got in MRI machine; Ohtani + Sean McDermott
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I wrote in Volume 105 that it was unlikely I would publish this week because I was in Mexico for a wedding and would not be able to properly hydrate because rumor has it the country’s drinking water is a little sketchy. Proper hydration is essential to fire off crappy, but sometimes funny, jokes. The resort I stayed at did not have sketchy drinking water after all. Therefore, I properly hydrated, so here we are.
Helluva party for a helluva couple. And just like that, back to my regularly scheduled programming of going to bed every night at 10 P.M.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Woman enters MRI machine with a gun and gets shot in the butt
Some ~figuratively~ shoot themselves in the foot. Happens to the best of us. This 57-year-old woman remixed that notion and ~literally~ shot herself in the butt. (She’s alive.) She took the gun with her while entering the MRI machine, “and the weapon was grabbed up by the machine’s magnet, causing the gun to go off.” She might have watched one too many scary movies and realized, “You know what? Better to strap up than be defenseless.” You can’t say she doesn’t take initiative in her life.
While I’m confident none of my readers have ever taken a gun with them to the hospital, much less into an MRI machine, I believe we all have something in common with the at-issue woman: lying at the doctor’s office.
According to the FDA report, the woman was asked if she was carrying a weapon and she answered “no.”
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
OHTANI TO THE DODGERS
Shohei Ohtani is staying in Los Angeles, but not with the Angels. The two-time MVP inked a 10-year, $700 million (!!) deal with the Dodgers, the richest deal in North American sports, and boy oh boy, the devil is in the details.
$680 million of the $700 million will be deferred, meaning that Ohtani’s base salary will be $2 million annually from 2024 until 2033. He will then receive a whopping $68 million per year from 2034 until 2043. The latter is considered “deferred” money that will not count toward the Dodgers’ salary cap for luxury tax purposes. Bobby Bonilla walked so that Ohtani could sprint like a bank robber. But unlike Bonilla’s deferred money deal with the Mets, which includes 8% in interest, the interest percentage in Ohtani’s deal is ZERO. Let’s break it down further.
Ohtani reportedly makes close to $50 million off the field via endorsements, one big reason why he can stomach only making $2 million in yearly salary until 2033. His $2 million salary in 2024 makes him the 17th highest-paid player on the Dodgers as of publication. An outlier contract of all outlier contracts.
According to ESPN’s Alden Gonzalez, the amount that Ohtani will count toward the team’s competitive balance tax (CBT) payroll — “which typically uses the average annual value of contracts, in this case $70 million, but discounts deferred money — will be about $46 million after each season.” The CBT breaking point is $237 million for 2024, meaning that a penalty must be paid if the team’s payroll exceeds that amount.
There is no limit on how much money can be deferred, “but teams have to set aside the present-day value of the deferred money — in Ohtani's case, around $44 million in cash each year — in an escrow account.” So, in essence, the Dodgers are legally cookin’ the books, which will allow them to open up the checkbooks for other prominent free agents. Screw that.
The time value of money notion suggests, if not dictates, that Ohtani is getting the raw end of the deal, but I don’t think that’s the case because once his playing contract is up in 2033 and if he decides to retire (he’ll be 39), he can move to a state with lower taxes while receiving $68 million per year starting in 2034. I’m no Good Will Hunting, but I reckon that will save him a boatload of money.
The deal is a win-win for both sides and yet another reminder the MLB salary cap is stupid.
SEAN MCDERMOTT DOES NOT SUPPORT THE TROOPS
We shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but Sean McDermott, the head coach of the Buffalo Bills, looks like a guy who supports the troops. He looks like a pure-blooded American. Based on his 2019 comments, though, the assertion that he supports the troops may not hold water. He may have hated America, or at least hated George W. Bush.
During training camp ahead of the 2019 regular season, McDermott attempted to rally the troops (perhaps pun intended), according to Go Long’s Ty Dunne. Classic u-rah-rah speech to get the fellas’ juices flowin’. But it was the farthest thing from one of those classic speeches. It was like he was a PR rep for Al-Qaeda.
Preposterous. The team’s first two games were against the New York Jets and the New York Giants at MetLife Stadium. The Jets went 2-0 to start the season. McDermott probably thought, as a result, that his speech hit the right chords. Knocked it out of the park. If the Bills ever play an international game in Germany, do you think he will … you know what, nevermind. I’m not trying to get a call from my HR department.
On the plus side for McDermott and the Bills, they beat the reigning Super Bowl Champs on Sunday, 20-17. I didn’t watch a second of it (normal game recaps will return next week), but the internet had a field day with what went down. Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce caught a pass, moved his two tree trunks, and then threw a lateral back to Kadarius Toney, who sprinted to the end zone for what would have been the go-ahead touchdown. The only problem? Toney was a mile-and-a-half offside. Per Pro Football Talk:
The Chiefs were up in arms about the penalty, not because they disagreed with the actual call, but more so because they thought it was too ticky-tack of a call that late in the game. Funny enough, Kansas City benefited from a ticky-tack of a call late in the game in last year’s Super Bowl against the Philadelphia Eagles, but I digress.
Don’t let any of this distract you from the fact McDermott hates the troops.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
We’ll be back next week. I’m tired.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz