🎅 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 108
Hacker sentenced to life in hospital prison; Sportz Stuff
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Marathon runners are looked at as people who are, simply put, #BuiltDifferent. That is all fine and dandy as well as true. Marathon food eaters around the holidays are the ones, however, who should be celebrated in a class of their own. They say they’re full, and yet the hands are extended when another dessert tray is brought out or practically any food is offered.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
18-Year Old GTA 6 Hacker Sentenced To Life In Hospital Prison
… But he can be set free “in the future if doctors decide he’s no longer a danger to others.” He was just doing hood rat things with his friends by himself. Does that necessitate a lifelong sentence in a hospital prison? For starters, sadly, he was deemed unfit to stand trial because of his acute autism. Additionally, the young man was like:
“Court testimony also claimed he was violent while held in custody for the trial.” So, yeah, it is best that he takes several deep breaths, counts the sheep on the ceiling, and lays low for a bit. But let’s call a spade a spade: hombre is one smart cookie as he hacked into the gaming system from a hotel room with only an Amazon Firestick. The UK government should hire him; working for the government is essentially the same type of punishment, amirite?
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NFL WEEK 16 RECAP
RAMS 30 Saints 22: This game was not as close as the final score suggests. The Saints got the Christmas party started a little early by going for it on fourth down four times, but Santa brought them nothing but coal as the team did not convert a single time because QB Derek Carr is more washed than our old-ass politicians. The most egregious fourth-down call came with under a minute left in the first half at the Rams’ 42, with the Rams up 10-7. Carr misfired on a pass to his tight end (classic), and the Rams turned around and scored a touchdown on the ensuing possession to take a 17-7 lead at halftime. Whoopsies.
LA led 30-7 early in the fourth quarter.
Don’t look now, but the Rams are hotter than Sydney Sweeney, winners of five of their last six games. Matt Stafford has been slingin’ it around the yard with precision, the team has a stout rushing attack, and the defense has been good enough. If the season ended today, Los Angeles would travel to Detroit, Stafford’s old stomping grounds, for a wildcard matchup 👀.
RAVENS 33 49ers 19: Well, well, well. San Francisco was dubbed by many as the class of the NFL ahead of the Week 16 contest, but Kyle Shanahan’s squad was bullied and embarrassed by Baltimore on Christmas night. The Ravens’ defensive line made things uncomfortable for QB Brock Purdy all night long en route to four sacks and four interceptions (two were bad passes, two were tipped by defenders). You can say adios to Purdy’s MVP chances after that dumb dumb performance. Baltimore also picked off Sam Darnold, who took over for an “injured” Purdy late in the game. The 17 points scored by the 49ers were their lowest output of the season.
QB Lamar Jackson (23/35, 297 total yards, 2 TDs) is now the MVP favorite. If the Dolphins beat the Ravens next week, will the MVP race carousel continue?
Regardless, sign me up for a rematch between these two teams in the Super Bowl.
ARE FLORIDA STATE’S DAYS IN THE ACC NUMBERED?
After getting hosed by the College Football Playoff Committee, Florida State is taking matters into its own hands to ditch the trailer park conference.
The university sued the ACC in Florida on Friday, challenging the conference’s Grant of Rights, but not before the conference sued Florida State’s Board of Trustees in North Carolina on Thursday.
The Grant of Rights is a legal document in which each member institution in the conference (here, the ACC) transfers its broadcasting rights to the conference, allowing the conference to secure a TV deal. The ACC’s broadcasting partner is ESPN, and the conference’s Grant of Rights expires in 2036. If the Seminoles decide to leave the ACC, they would be obligated to pay an exit fee of $130 million, as outlined in the conference’s Grant of Rights. That is a lot of coin, but there are even more dolla dolla bills involved.
In the lawsuit, Florida State estimates it would cost $572 million to leave the ACC without a legal victory or settlement. It would forfeit $429 million in media rights through 2036, when the ACC contract with ESPN expires; $13 million in unreimbursed broadcast fees; and an exit fee of $130 million (three times the league's total operating budget).
How this fiasco will pan out is anyone’s guess, but a somewhat analogous legal situation exists. The University of Maryland announced its intention in 2012 to ditch the ACC to go to Big Ten Country, prompting the ACC to sue in which they demanded a contractually owed withdrawal/exit fee of $52.2 million from the Terps.
The university filed a ~$157 million counterclaim in Maryland, “alleging the conference broke its own rules in setting the exit fee, which the schools set at an amount equal to three times the ACC's operating budget at the time a school provides official notice of withdrawal.” The two parties ultimately settled for $31.4 million. That meant Maryland was obligated to pay an exit fee of $31.4 million.
If you thought conference realignment was dead, you’ve got another thing coming.
YOSHINOBU YAMAMOTO SIGNS WITH LA LOSERS DODGERS
The most-coveted pitcher on the open market inked a 12-year, $325-million deal, including a $50 million signing bonus, with the Los Angeles Dodgers Thursday, the largest contract in league history for someone who throws the ball from the mound to home plate once every five days, all according to ESPN’s Jeff Passan.
The signing is a good reminder that Major League Baseball is an unserious league and that the Milwaukee Brewers have practically no shot to ever win the World Series.
In six seasons in the Nippon Professional League, Yamamoto, who turned 25 in August, won the Pacific League MVP and Japanese Triple Crown three times and registered a 1.82 earned run average over 99 starts. He went 70-29 in those starts and finished his NPL career with 922 strikeouts. Yamamoto pitched in two games (one start) during the 2023 World Baseball Classic, tossing 12 strikeouts in 7.1 innings of work while allowing two earned runs, and held opponents to a .160 batting average.
He knows how to throw a baseball very well, there is no disputing that.
However, nearly all historically good MLB pitchers (e.g. Cy Young winners) have been much taller and heavier than Yamamoto, who stands at 5-foot-10 and weighs 176 pounds. The only exception is Pedro Martinez, who was 5’11” and 170 pounds during his playing days. (Diet might have to start today for Martinez with the way his body is currently constructed.)
I’m not declaring Yamamoto will be a bust because of his small stature, but if he is, you read it here first.
Since the Dodgers agreed to allocate over $1 billion over a period of time to Ohtanti, Yamamoto, and pitcher Tyler Glasnow, whom the team signed to an extension after acquiring him from the Tampa Bay Rays, there are no excuses left. So when the team inevitably loses in the NLCS (or NLDS) to an 86-win team, I will savor the defeat more than late-night Taco Bell.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
My stomach is growling more than a pit bull. I am having trouble walking up the stairs without getting out of breath. I’m also not getting enough oxygen to my brain. All because I ate way too much food during the holiday. So, writing this section would be like a preschooler making a Christmas card. A nice and kind gesture, without question, but you can’t understand nor discern a lick of what is being presented.
I’ll be back next week. Enjoy your New Year’s celebrations, but do not drink and drive. Call an Uber, Lyft, taxi, or frankly, anyone in your phone contacts list to secure a ride because drinking and driving is never worth it.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz