🏊 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 110
Bass Pro Shops streaker; Sportz; Alaska Airlines whoopsies
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Do things that make you happy. It seems simple but is incredibly powerful and understated throughout our society. But if smoking crack or drinking so much that you wet the bed makes you happy, then the advice doesn’t apply and it’s time to go back to the drawing board.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Man strips naked, jumps into Bass Pro Shops Leeds aquarium and knocks himself unconscious
Some people do drugs and sink into their couch or go to a social gathering and turn up. This gentleman is not like some people. He drove his car into a pole, took his clothes off, ran into a Bass Pro Shop, and cannonballed into the store’s aquarium, only to show the entire internet that he is a grower and not a show-er. Those D.A.R.E. officials weren’t kidding when they warned us of the dangers of doing drugs.
The day after for this fella must have been brutal. One, because of the presumed hangover/comedown. And two, because of the holy-sh*t level of embarrassment.
“Honey, how was your day yesterday?”
This dude: “It could have been better.”
I would rather contract dysentery on the Oregon Trail than be in that guy’s shoes. For a multitude of reasons.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
CFP NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Hail to the Victors. After a 2-4 campaign in a 2020 shortened season, the Michigan Wolverines chipped away in the succeeding years and finally broke through Monday after strangling the Washington Huskies, 34-13.
While national champs in recent memory have featured a locomotive offense, filled with flashy gadgets, Michigan was the polar opposite — on both sides of the ball: a run-it-down-your-throat team on offense, and a ridiculously physical team on defense, with both units punishing their opponents at the line of scrimmage for 60 minutes. Old-school football.
The Wolverines finished with 303 yards on the ground (8 yards per carry) while they stifled Michael Penix Jr. (27/51 for 255 yards, 1 TD, and 2 INTs) and the Huskies’ aerial attack.
Recruiting is everything in college football. Recruit at an elite level for a sustained period of time, and there’s a very good chance you’ll find postseason success at a high level. And yet, Michigan did not dominate their opponents all season long en route to a 15-0 season with out-of-this-world recruiting classes year after year — 7th in 2019, 12th in 2020, 14th in 2021, 9th in 2022, and 20th in 2023 — but rather leveraged the transfer portal and developed their own. Salute.
Michigan is the first team to allow less than 25 points in all 15 games since Minnesota did it 120 YEARS AGO.
The defense ended the season 1st in points per game (10.4), points per drive (0.91), and yards per game (247).
Was that Jim Harbaugh’s last game on the Michigan sidelines? I wouldn’t be surprised because, at the end of the day, what does he have left to prove? He returned to his alma mater with the singular goal of delivering the program a national championship, and he did just that. In runaway fashion. No ifs, ands, or buts about it (minus the cheating allegations). He has won three straight against the Buckeyes and won three consecutive Big Ten titles. He is at the pinnacle.
Monday’s national title game marked the last game of the four-team playoff era. In the 10 years of the original CFP iteration:
15 total teams played in the CFP.
Seven teams made one appearance — Texas (2023), TCU (2022), Cincinnati (2021), LSU (2019), Michigan State (2015), Oregon (2014), and Florida State (2014).
Two teams made two appearances — Washington and Notre Dame.
Two teams made three appearances — Georgia and Michigan.
Oklahoma made four appearances but never advanced to the title game. Too bad, so bad. Bogus state.
Alabama, Clemson, and Ohio State made eight, six, and five appearances, respectively in the CFP.
Alabama played in the title game six times; Clemson played in it four times; and Georgia played in it three times. They are the only programs to win at least two rings.
The SEC won six titles (Alabama, 3; Georgia, 2; LSU, 1) and was represented in eight of the ten title games.
The ACC and Big Ten each won two (Clemson, 2; Ohio State, 1; Michigan, 1). And while the Pac-12 (RIP) and the Big 12 never won a title, a team from the Conference of Champions reached it twice (Oregon in 2014, Washington 2023). TCU was the only Big 12 team to make the final game (2022).
Until next season for Tubz Unfiltered’s CFB Game Recaps.
NFL WEEK 18 RECAP
TEXANS 23 Colts 19: The city of Houston very well might be a sh*t hole, but the city is home to the 2023-24 AFC South champion after the Texans took down the Colts Saturday night on the road. It is the first division title for Houston since 2019. Quarterback C.J. Stroud (20/26, 264 yards, 2 TDs, 134.1 passer rating), who is becoming one of the best gunslingers in the league before our very eyes, started the game off with a bang after connecting with WR Nico Collins (9 receptions for 195 yards, 1 TD) on a 75-yard pitch-and-catch for six, and the Texans never looked back. Things did get interesting late in the fourth quarter, though.
The Colts rookie head coach, Shane Steichen, had a great season leading the team with a backup quarterback, but he made a big ole blunder with the game on the line. Prior to a fourth-and-short, he called a timeout. Fine with it in the moment. Get an idea of defensive alignment and adjust accordingly. And he adjusted by taking out running back Jonathan Taylor (30 carries for 188 yards, 1 TD) and inserting Packers legend Tyler Goodson in the backfield. Goodson proceeded to drop a pass in the flat that would have gone for a first down and extended the drive inside the red zone. QB Gardner Minshew could have thrown a better ball, but Goodson still has to catch it.
PACKERS 17 Bears 9: Imagine playing a team twice a year and not being able to beat that team once in the last five years. That is the current state of the Green Bay-Chicago rivalry. QB Jordan Love continued his ascension, registering season-high marks in passer rating and completion percentage; the Packers’ pass rush sacked Justin Fields five times; and Aaron Jones proved he still has plenty of gas left in the tank (22 carries for 111 yards). In the process, Green Bay clinched a playoff spot after starting the season with a 3-6 record. Incredible stuff. Read more here.
Despite the loss, fans of the Chicago Bears will contend they are building something. After all, they have two top-10 selections in the upcoming draft, a strong defense, and two legitimate offensive weapons in WR D.J. Moore and TE Cole Kemet. But to me and the rest of Packer fans, well, I’ll let Tom from Succession describe how we feel about them.
NFL PLAYOFF FIELD SET
AFC - No. 1 seed Baltimore
(2) Bills versus (7) Steelers (Sun., 12 p.m. CT, CBS)
No T.J. Watt, the frontrunner for the Defensive Player of the Year, for Pittsburgh. An annihilation by Buffalo is incoming. Sean McDermott would call it an act of terrorism, but that’s neither here nor there.
(3) Chiefs versus (6) Dolphins (Sat., 7 p.m. CT)
The Dolphins have a litany of injuries to critical defensive players, so there’s actual hope for the Chiefs to score more than three touchdowns with their trash-ass wide receivers! The temperature at kickoff is supposed to be chillier than Bob In Accounting’s attitude. Advantage, Chiefs. Genius move by the NFL to force the Swifties to buy a Peacock subscription.
(4) Texans versus (5) Browns (Sat., 3:30 p.m. CT, NBC)
The Browns are red-hot, led by their card-carrying AARP member quarterback Joe Flacco and a staunch defense. And the Texans are back to their normal TV slot for a playoff game. Giddy up.
NFC - No. 1 seed San Francisco
(2) Cowboys versus (7) Packers (Sun., 3:30 p.m. CT, Fox)
Fat Mike versus his old team. Jordan Love versus Dak Prescott. In Jerry World. Sign me the hell up. Green Bay is either going to get pistol-whipped or win. No in-between. The Packers have won the last two playoff contests between the league’s two most popular teams.
(3) Lions versus (6) Rams (Sun., 7 p.m. CT, NBC)
QB Matt Stafford is returning to his old stomping grounds. Meanwhile, the Lions are hosting a playoff game for the first time since 1994 and seeking their first win in the postseason since 1992. Surely Dan Campbell won’t make a bone-headed decision when it matters most.
(4) Buccaneers versus (5) Eagles (Mon., 7:15 p.m. CT, ABC/ESPN)
The Eagles made the Super Bowl a year ago and brought back a substantial portion of that team, but you wouldn’t believe that because the current team is dog water. They will probably beat the Bucs, though.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Alaska Airlines timeline: How incident involving missing door plug unfolded
This whoopsies happened next to seat 26A, so for comedic purposes, I will presume this happened in an exit row. And that is why, ladies and gentlemen, you do not sit in an exit row. Sure, the extra legroom might be nice, but …
“Are you ready, willing, and able to assist in the event of an emergency?”
Absolutely positively not, Flight Attendant Deborah. If I was seated near the gaping hole in the plane on this flight, I would look to my left, I would look to my right, I would look behind and in front of me, and say, respectfully, “You [expletives] are your own” and hightail it toward safety, wherever that might be. Every man and woman for themselves. I’m not trying to be a hero. Sorry if that offends you.
Anywho, maybe a good buy-low opportunity on Boeing stock?? Down nine percent over the last five days. Sometimes you can make money in the mud. Not financial advice. I repeat, not financial advice.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz