😬 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 111
Ozempic; NFL Recap + Coaching News
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I’m just catching up on the Beatles’ drama. Some might say I’m late to the party, but I say I’m right on time.
Let me preface the following by pointing out that I respect all women. I may respect them too much.
Yoko Ono, John Lennon’s lover/partner/whatever, was cray-cray and is probably the main reason why the band split. Plus, the songs she sang in Double Fantasy, the album by Lennon and Ono released in 1980, were trash! Do with that information as you will.
Programming note: I’m going out of town next weekend and will be preoccupied throughout, unable to watch any of the NFL games in their entirety, so my NFL Recap will look a bit different in Volume 112.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Ozempic: Short-Term Gain, Long-Term Problems
We have all seen the infomercials for medications that may cure a certain ailment, only for the side effects to include things like slurred speech, one or both sides of your mimicking one of the seven dwarfs, pissing your pants uncontrollably, internal bleeding, and so much more. Those medications, to me, always seemed like a scam, and now Ozempic fits that bill because …
There is one woman who will have the runs FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE after taking the weight-loss drug. It’s as if she will have Taco Bell for every meal for the rest of her life. Sh*tty.
Another individual contracted gastroparesis, causing her “to vomit so much that some of her teeth feel out.” And who said dentures were out of style for people younger than 50?
So while many, if not all, Ozempic customers got sold a bad bag of goods, below is a live look at the plaintiff attorneys handling the various lawsuits against the makers of Ozempic and related drugs:
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
WILDCARD WEEKEND RECAP
PACKERS 48 Cowboys 32: A good ole fashioned pistol-whipping occurred inside of AT&T Stadium, which I was fortunate enough to attend. I have attended countless sporting events over the years, some of bigger magnitude than others, but Sunday may have been the best of the bunch.
Hearing “Go Pack Go” chants permeate throughout the stadium while the Packers scored touchdown after touchdown was akin to the most glorious dream one could have. I never wanted it to stop, and I don’t want this season to, either, because Jordan Love appears to be the love child (pun intended, perhaps) of Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers. Read more here.
The Cowboys have won 12 games each of the last three regular seasons and only have one playoff win to show for it. Moreover, the early playoff exit solidified yet another season in which they failed to make the conference championship game. The last time they did was the 1995-96 season. We might need to reconsider the Cowboys as America’s team because that designation implies that the United States is a loser country.
TEXANS 45 Browns 14: Cleveland QB Joe Flacco turned into a pumpkin, throwing two pick-sixes on back-to-back possessions in the third quarter to blow the game wide open, while Houston QB C.J. Stroud has officially arrived as a game-changing quarterback. The rookie gunslinger shredded the best passing defense in the league as he was 16 of 21 for 274 yards, an average of 13 yards per attempt, and three touchdowns. He finished with a passer rating of 157.2, a hair shy of a perfect 158.3.
All in all, Houston scored 35 unanswered points from the start of the second quarter until the final whistle. The franchise also owns Cleveland’s first-round draft pick in the upcoming draft because the Browns mortgaged their future for a quarterback who sucks and was accused of sexually assaulting several women. Whoops!
The AFC Divisional Round matchups:
(4) Texans at (1) Ravens (Sat., 3:30 p.m. CST, ABC/ESPN)
Will the Texans continue their hot streak or get a slice of humble pie? It might come down to how well QB Lamar Jackson, the shoo-in 2023 MVP, performs. In four playoff games, he is 1-3 and has completed 55.9% of his passes for 900 yards, three touchdowns, and five interceptions, with a passer rating of 68.3.
These two teams met in Week 1, a 25-9 victory for the Ravens in Baltimore, which is not indicative in the slightest of how the game will play out. But the more you know!
(3) Chiefs at (2) Bills (Sun., 5:30 p.m. CST, CBS)
Josh Allen-Patrick Mahomes III in the postseason. The Walrus versus the Al-Qaeda supporter. Mahomes’ first road playoff game since taking over as the starter in 2018. Grab your popcorn and enjoy the movie.
The NFC Divisional Round matchups:
(7) Packers at (1) 49ers (Sat., 7:15 p.m. CST, FOX)
RB Christian McCaffrey might run for 250 yards in the first half alone, or he might not! Joe Barry might cook up some really good stuff! Anything is possible! I’m delusionally optimistic. #InLoveWeTrust
(4) Buccaneers at (3) Lions (Sun., 2:00 p.m. CST, NBC)
Ford Field was a madhouse Sunday night as the Lions won their first playoff game since the 1991-92 season, and I expect the same type of energy for this one.
The Bucs successfully blitzed the ever-living crap out of QB Jalen Hurts throughout the team’s Wild Card victory over the Eagles. Will they be able to do so against the recently-anointed King of Detroit, Jared Goff? He led the NFL during the regular season with 1,623 yards against the blitz, according to Next Gen Stats.
NICK SABAN SCARED OF PLAYING THE BADGERS NEXT SEASON, RETIRES
There was no narcissistic Farewell Tour, like the one employed by Coach K. (I hate that guy.) Heck, Saban was interviewing potential position coaches in the moments leading up to telling his team he was calling it quits. He was #BuiltDifferent and should be known to everyone as the Greatest College Football Coach of All Time.
So, why did Saban, 72, decide to walk away after 17 years in Tuscaloosa?
“To be honest, this last season was grueling,” the 72-year-old Saban told ESPN’s Rece Davis. “It was a real grind for us to come from where we started to where we got to. It took a little more out of me than usual. When people mentioned the health issue, it was really just the grind.”
Saban, who spent 17 seasons at Alabama, said he became more directly involved with his team’s defense, which took his attention away from other aspects of the job.
“It put a little more stress on me, made me feel like maybe I wasn’t doing as good a job as I needed to in other parts of our team,” he said. “I just have a high standard for how I do things. If I don’t feel like I’m living up to that standard, I’m really disappointed. … I felt like I could have done a better job if I was younger.”
Something Saban told me last month rings pretty loud now: "Fourteen-hour days are a lot harder at 72 than they were at 62 when you want to make sure you're on top of everything, which is more difficult than ever now as a head coach with everything you have to manage ..."
Below are a handful of insane stats.
He finished his reign at Alabama with a 201-29 record (.874). And if you take away his first year, a 2-6 record, he was 199-23 (.896). 44 of his Alabama players were drafted in the first round, so he had more players drafted in the first round than losses.
He won four BCS titles (3 at Alabama and 1 at LSU) and three CFP titles for a grand total of ~drum roll please~ seven, the most in the history of the game. During the CFP era (2014-current) in particular, the Tide went 127-14 (.901).
He was 11-1 in SEC Championship Games and went 145-30 in SEC play (.829).
Since 2008, the year after Saban took over at Alabama, the Tide “never finished outside the top 10 in the AP poll and finished in the top five 12 times.”
If you played four years at Alabama under Saban, you won at least one national title.
Alabama named Washington HC Kalen DeBoer as the program’s next leader of men, who has won at every stop he’s been at (104-12 overall record). However, the SEC is a different beast. And following a legend is even more of a beast.
BILL BELICHICK AND THE PATRIOTS MUTUALLY AGREE TO PART WAYS
While Saban went out on top to a certain extent, winning the SEC title and making the College Football Playoff, the same cannot be said for Saban’s former boss, Billy Boy. Ever since Belichick decided that Tom Brady was past his prime in 2020, the Patriots made the playoffs once, with zero wins to show for it, and accumulated a 29-38 record. But that should not take away from the legendary partnership that Belichick and New England had together, with both parties eager to move in a different direction based on this reporting by ESPN. (The Patriots named Belichick’s former player, Jerod Mayo, as the team’s next head coach.)
Nine Super Bowl appearances. Six Super Bowls. 17 AFC East titles, including 11 straight from 2009 to 2019. 266-121 record in 24 seasons. Coached (and released!) one murderer (sorry). In all seriousness, Belichick is the greatest NFL coach in the history of the game.
This is not a goodbye post for the Hoodie Football Wizard, though, as he plans to coach next year. In fact, he interviewed with the Atlanta Falcons earlier this week, which is quite a full-circle moment.
Atlanta decision-makers: “Tell us about a time you successfully handled adversity.”
Belichick: *Pulls up highlights of Super Bowl LI*
Atlanta decision-makers: I think we’re all set here. We’ll be in touch.
If not the Falcons, then where? There has been plenty of talk online that he could head to the Cowboys in the event they fire Fat Mike. Could the Chargers also be in play? They interviewed Jim Harbaugh earlier this week. We shall see how it all pans out. If Belichick, who turns 72 in April, decides that the stressors of being a head coach are too much, there is a chance the Packers will be looking for a defensive coordinator and would (should, really, but you never know with LaFleur) welcome Billy Boy with open arms.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
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