Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 115
LOTZA SPORTZ
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Via lilgrapefruits on Twitter (yes, Twitter): “doing a reverse lent where i pick a new vice to get hooked on for the next 40 days. taking suggestions.”
Girl Scout cookies. Saying slay when your friends or family do something cool. Costco hot dogs (only $1.50, so cost-effective). Polite catcalling. Memorize the words to the bangers put out by Creed and Nickelback. Texting your ex(es).
The world is your oyster for the next 40 days, ladies and gentlemen.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Be back next week!
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
SUPER BOWL RECAP
Before I break down the game, please note that my millennial brain loved Usher’s Super Bowl performance. The songs brought back fond memories of high school dances when many, including myself from time to time, went nuts to butts (or butts to nuts, whichever tickled your fancy). Okie dokie, enough of that. Let’s talk football!
Patrick Mahomes is immortal, a specimen who is unlike his peers. Some guys think they got it, while others actually got it. Mahomes, and few others in the world of sports, actually got it. In the face of almost never-ending adversity — his dad is a serial drunk driver and his brother is a weird ass, pervert — Mahomes is cool, calm, collected, and a certified G. The quarterback who the Chicago Bears passed on because, well, they’re the Bears, Mahomes became the third player in the history of the sport to win three Super Bowl MVPs and two MVPs (Tom Brady and Joe Montana) and the first to do it before the age of 30.
He is now also the owner of a 15-3 playoff record across six seasons. Brady retired after the 2022-23 season, only for Mahomes to immediately pick up the baton of ruling over the entire NFL and forming a dynasty. If such a transfer of the baton does not improve race relations, then I don’t know what will.
More football takeaways below.
OVERTIME
49ers HC Kyle Shanahan tries to look cool with his flat-brim hat and his surfer/skater dad moxie, but when it came down to crunch time in Super Bowl LVIII, he was caught vaping at the Parent-Teacher Conference, embarrassing himself in the process.
The fact that he instructed his captains to not defer, and rather receive, the opening kickoff to start the overtime period was truly moronic and shows the dangers of vaping. Knowing exactly what you need in terms of a score is far more advantageous, in my opinion, than getting the ball first. You also inherently have to be more aggressive in the first scenario, which I don’t think is a bad thing. For instance, if the Chiefs chose to receive the ball to start, they likely would have punted on the fourth down they had in their own territory and put faith in their defense to stop the Niners from scoring. Instead, they had to go for it on that fourth down and put the ball in the best player in the world’s hands, who moved the chains.
And if the Chiefs scored a field goal on the opening possession of the overtime period, San Francisco would have probably thought long and hard about going for it on the fourth-and-four it faced inside Kansas City’s 10-yard line because even though a field goal would have extended the game, the Chiefs could have won the game with any score on the following possession.
Shanahan used that logic in deciding to take the ball first — his team would get the ball third and be able to score to end the game — but that was a half-baked idea, again showing what vaping can do to one’s brain chemistry. Put another way, the team that defers to start OT can literally end the game by going for two if the opposing team scores a touchdown first, which is why, if given the choice, Kansas City was going to defer, according to player comments in the team’s post-game media availability. Meanwhile, the San Francisco players acknowledged in their post-game media availability that they didn’t even know the playoff overtime rules were different than the regular season overtime rules and, thus, never discussed different potential scenarios. Whoops!
If y’all still don’t understand the dangers of vaping at this point, I don’t know what to tell ya.
CHOKERS
Shanahan coming up short in the Big Game is now a trend. He was the offensive coordinator for the Falcons when they blew a 28-3 lead against the Patriots in Super Bowl LI. He also blew a 10-point lead in each of San Francisco’s last two Super Bowls against the Chiefs. I have zero empathy. But enough about the coach — some high-profile players for the 49ers didn’t exactly bring their “A” game.
Brandon Aiyuk (42 yards) and Deebo Samuel (33 yards) each had only three receptions, while George Kittle finished with a measly two receptions for four yards. While Christian McCaffrey finished with 160 total scrimmage yards, he fumbled in plus territory on a promising opening drive. And the special teams fumble that led to a Kansas City touchdown didn’t help matters, either.
At the end of the day, I feel like the Niners played with their food too much in the first half, something you cannot do if you expect to beat the best player in the game. #Analysis
KANSAS CITY’S DEFENSE HAD DUDES STEP UP
To win the Super Bowl, you need dudes to step up. Captain Obvious speaking, I know. Four KC defenders, in particular, put their big boy pants on and balled out: DT Chris Jones (consistently in the backfield and made the SF interior offensive line look like they get tucked in by their mommy every night), LB Leo Chenal (6 tackles, 1 TFL, forced fumble), DB Trent McDuffie (three pass deflections and clamped down on the two above-referenced WRs), and DT Mike Pennel Jr. (six tackles + 1 TFL).
But I can’t opine on the defensive performance without mentioning Steve Spagnuolo, who became the first NFL coordinator to win four Super Bowl rings. Big down incoming? Spagnuolo dialed up the blitz and made life uncomfortable for Brock Purdy. In a league where most defensive coordinators play two-high safety coverage mixed in with some pussy cat pressures, Spagnuolo brought the heat and consistently kept San Francisco guessing according to my Madden-trained eyes.
Let’s put on a bow on this recap, which is slowly but surely turning into “this meeting could have been an email.” Travis Kelce is now a three-time Super Bowl winner; his girlfriend chugged a beer at the Super Bowl in a box surrounded by other stars; he sang HER songs with her at the after-party; and is a member of a team that became the fifth team in NFL history to win three rings in five years (1970s Steelers, 1990s Cowboys, and 2000s + 2010s Patriots). Oh, and with a nine-reception, 93-yard performance, he has averaged 7.5 catches for 86.5 yards in 22 playoff games. Legend, just like his quarterback.
WASTE MANAGEMENT OFF THE RAILS, LIKE NEVER BEFORE
The Waste Management Open, held in Scottsdale, Arizona, is always a big ole party the weekend of the Super Bowl, especially on the par-3 16th hole with hecklers galore. It is a destination for every frat bro — and other dudes who didn’t pay for friends during college — year in and year out and is unlike any sponsored golf event. It is supposed to be rowdy by design. This year, though, folks turned up the volume to another level.
It was such a sh*tstorm that management, with their clenched butts, closed the gates and shut off alcohol sales on Saturday. One PGA golfer, Byeong Hun An, posted on Twitter (yes, Twitter) that the environment was “[t]otally out of control on every hole.”
What did he mean by that? Here are a few guesses.
One patron pissed himself in broad daylight.
Zach Johnson essentially pulled a move from Shooter McGavin’s playbook in responding to hecklers who gave chirped him about crapping the bed as the Ryder Cup captain. Billy Horschel also pulled a Shooter McGavin.
A large man engaged in a muddy slip-and-side down a hill (hopefully diet started on Monday for him, respectfully).
Some shirtless dude almost broke his neck while doing some gymnastics in the bunker on one of the holes (starts at 0:11).
There was at least one fight and so many people slipping in the mud.
All told, here are the final numbers:
Calls for Service: 653 (558 in 2023, 440 in 2022)
Arrests: 54 (18 in 2023, 0 in 2022)
Ejections: 211 (102 in 2023, 90 in 2022)
Trespass: 73 (41 in 2023, 14 in 2022)
I would like to attend this event in the future. I am past my prime so I probably couldn’t hang with the young whippersnappers, but I would sure try my best.
ESPN, Fox and Warner Bros. Discovery to launch joint sports streaming platform this year
The more things change, the more things stay the same. When people started to cut the cord in droves due to sky-high cable prices, it appeared that cable was about to become a thing of the past. While that still may be the case depending on who you talk to, this new venture is a tell-tale sign that we are entering the age of Cable+ with two feet. We are going to eventually be faced with the same prices (if not higher) that cable was to begin with — only this time, you have to toggle between various apps. Far more inconvenient, with the same prices as before. Sick. Hopefully, it is easier to cancel than the process currently is for actual cable.
Let’s get into the nitty-gritty of this new streaming platform.
The three companies own the following networks: ESPN and its sister networks, such as ESPN2, ESPNU, SECN, ACCN, ESPNEWS, plus ABC; TNT, TBS, and TruTV; Fox, FS1, FS2, and BTN. ESPN+ will also be included. So, you’ll be able to watch the Badger football team play Iowa in a good ole fashioned barn burner at 11 a.m. CST on this new streaming service.
How much will it cost? No word on that, but a source told CNBC that “a logical starting point could be $45 or $50 per month with introductory pricing lower to entice signups.” Another little birdie told CNBC that “even with promotional pricing, the service will cost more than $30 per month.”
This new platform is clearly intended for the dudes and ladies who only want to watch sports on their TV. That’s all fine and dandy, but they will still need to fork over more money to watch the full range of sporting events. After all, Sunday Night Football and various college football games are broadcast on NBC, while the Masters, March Madness, and NFL and college football games are broadcast on CBS.
There is a chance that this all gets shut down due to antitrust concerns, anyway.
But if it does go through, welcome to Cable+.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Be back next week!
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz