Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 127
Another Titanic excursion; NBA Finals + Stanley Cup Finals; Stock Market Glitch
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I’ll be on a flight again this weekend. I pretty much only maintain Dallas as my primary residence for tax purposes at this point. Nothing sketchy, though. Orange isn’t a great color on me (doesn’t exactly complement my eyes, tbh), and I like showering in privacy.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Ohio billionaire to take submarine to Titanic site one year after OceanGate implosion
I’m not an engineer nor did I pay enough attention to Bill Nye the Science Guy back in the day, so I’m shooting from the hip here, but this seems like an uphill climb. Just ask the loved ones of the people who tried this same type of excursion a year ago.
Beyond that, it is a classic “I have a crap ton of money and want to stroke my ego” move.
A road trip across the country in a decked-out RV isn’t enough for Larry Connor and Patrick Lahey, where they would be able to witness everything the US of A has to offer. Suck down a couple of road beers, enjoy some quality bro time, and heck even go to the moon, a la Cheech and Chong, if that’s their flavor. They could also literally go to the moon (or space).
Instead, they’re heading almost 4,000 meters underwater to check out the Titanic remains. Couldn’t they watch the movie, check out some YouTube videos, and/or sift through Google images as an alternative? Yes. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
“The Titanic wreckage will have visitors once again.” Let’s not count the chickens before they hatch.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NBA PLAYOFFS
And then there were two. The Dallas Mavericks dismantled the Minnesota Timberwolves in Game 6 to clinch the franchise’s first NBA Finals appearance since 2011, ironically the last time they hoisted the Larry O’Brien trophy. Mavs HC Jason Kidd, who was the team’s starting point guard in 2011, is looking to become the 15th head coach in NBA history to win a championship as a player and head coach.
While the Boston Celtics swept the Indiana Pacers, advancing to the NBA Finals for the second time in three years, the series was much closer than the final tally because the Pacers pissed leads down both of their legs in the closing minutes of Games 1, 3, and 4.
To the Pacers, I write:
Luka Doncic will be the best player on the court in this series. That is not a hot take. That is the correct take. He became the fourth player in NBA playoff history to drop 450 points, 150 rebounds, and 150 assists in a single postseason, joining Nikola Jokic (2023), LeBron James (too many times to count; six in actuality), and Larry Bird (1987). Oh, and he is numero uno these playoffs in points, rebounds, assists, steals, field goals, three pointers, free throws, and minutes.
So while Dallas gave swirlies to their Western Conference foes and beat three 50+ win teams in the postseason for the first time since the Los Angeles Lakers did so in 2010, the Celtics are the better team on paper, especially if Kristaps Porziņģis returns to action at full strength.
They’re the first team in NBA history to average at least 123 points per 100 possessions and allow fewer than 112 points per 100 possessions. By Basketball Reference’s Simple Ratings System (a stat that combines point differential and strength of schedule), they’re the fifth-best team in NBA history. They won 64 games in the regular season and are now 12–2 in the playoffs. That’s a cumulative record of 76–20, making them just the ninth team since the advent of the current playoff format in 1984 to enter the NBA Finals with 20 losses or fewer.
Two players will return to their old stomping grounds: Porziņģis’ (2019-2022) and Kyrie Irving (2017-19). I doubt that Mavs fans will greet the big man with loud boos; the partnership simply did not pan out as expected. The same cannot be said for Boston fans when Kyrie steps on the court. The young whippersnappers in the stands are about to witness a name-calling masterclass, something that will undoubtedly put hair on their peaches. Hell, they might even join in on the fun.
When a Celtics player shoots a brick at American Airlines Center, who will point out that there hasn’t been that loud of a bang involving a Bostonian since JFK came to town? Disavowing that joke ahead of time.
Prediction: Dallas in 7.
NHL PLAYOFFS
The Florida Panthers are back in the Stanley Cup Finals for the second consecutive season and will face off against the Edmonton Oilers. The Panthers are searching for their first Cup in franchise history. The Oilers, meanwhile, are back in the Finals for the first time since 2006 and aim to hoist Lord Stanley for the first time since 1990.
The key question: Will Florida’s stellar defense stifle Edmonton’s high-powered offense led by Leon Draisaitl and Connor McDavid? We’ll see!
Prediction: Oilers in 7.
CAITLIN CLARK GETTING BULLIED
Let’s start with this: Caitlin Clark is the sole reason the WNBA is uber-relevant and being discussed in the media and by Americans nationwide as much as it is.
Clark, in a matchup with the Chicago Sky over the weekend, was bodied by Chennedy Carter as Clark sought to receive an inbounds pass. It was not a basketball play under any stretch of the imagination. But a little rough play, with emotions and competitive spirits rising, is good for the game, especially one that people made countless jokes about in the past. Now, the fact that none of her teammates stood up for her, purposefully set a hard screen on Carter, and/or accidentally pulled her hair on the next possession is a red flag, but that’s a story for a different day.
At any rate, Clark has been the subject of sh*t talk even before she stepped on a WNBA court, most notably by Diana Taurasi during the Final Four game between Iowa and UConn (which was and still is very puzzling), and was the subject of more sh*t talk recently, courtesy of Chicago Sky forward Angel Reese, who had some intense battles with Clark during their college days.
Confidence is good in any profession, but Reese was straight up delusional — with a capital D. “The reason why we're watching women's basketball is not just because of 1 person. It's because of me, too. I want y'all to realize that.”
Attendance at non-Caitlin Clark WNBA games this past weekend:
7,638
4,015
9,878
7,035
3,265
10,207
7,024
Attendance at Caitlin Clark WNBA games this past weekend:
17,274
17,401
If it weren’t for the emergence of Clark, players — like Reese — would be flying Spirit Airlines and Frontier and forced to pay for their carry-on luggage. Instead, they’re flying private.
MLB PLAYER BANNED FOR GAMBLING
Pete Rose ain’t getting into the Hall of Fame any time soon, ladies and gentlemen. Major League Baseball has permanently banned Tucupita Marcano, who has a negative career Wins Above Replacement (-0.9) and similar low-number IQ, after the league discovered he placed 231 MLB-related wagers, “including 25 that MLB says included wagers on Pirates games while he was on the team's major league roster.”
He pissed away more than $150k.
Did Marcano, a member of the San Diego Padres before he got the boot, win at a decently high clip? As a pro ball player, he should be able to see the board clearly, right? Absolutely positively not. Home boy won only 4.3% of his bets! Four point three percent. You could ask a baby to choose between images of two different baseball teams, bet the team the baby picks, and end up with a higher winning percentage.
The MLB also announced the following players were banned for one year after betting on major league games: Michael Kelly (Oakland Athletics pitcher), Jay Groome (minor leaguer, Padres), Jose Rodriguez (minor leaguer, Philadelphia Phillies), and Andrew Saalfrank (minor leaguer, Arizona Diamondbacks).
It would be the ultimate heel move if Marcano joined forces with DraftKings, FanDuel, or another gambling company and became a paid spokesperson/ambassador. He would be dedicated, there is no denying that!
Alternatively, he could get a job at a local radio station and sell his gambling picks on the airwaves. Marcano is clearly a dumb-dumb gambler, but he could tell everyone to fade his picks and make people bookoo bucks. Just spit ballin’ to help him get back on his feet.
In closing, the next time a professional athlete inevitably gets his hand stuck in the cookie jar, I hope it is revealed that he was cookin’ with gas with his bets. Stranger things have happened!
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
A stock market glitch briefly showed Berkshire Hathaway stock down 99% after NYSE technical issue
I’m admittedly not a computer whiz, but I feel like the stock market shouldn’t have any glitches. It makes sense why some tin-foil hat wearers think the stock market is rigged for the suits.
The technical glitch lasted for about two hours and led to trading halts for 40 impacted stocks. The technical error, which originated from the Consolidated Tape Association's real-time stock quotes, was fixed by about 11:45 am.
I own Class B shares of Berkshire Hathaway — not Class A, but that’s OK because Rome wasn’t built in a day — but if I did own Class A shares and saw that shares were down 99.97% to just $185.10 per share, without having any additional context, I would uncontrollably piss and poop myself and consider seeking out grade-A black tar heroin.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz