👶 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 129
Golden Corral baby; NBA Finals, Stanley Cup Finals, U.S. Open Recaps
Happy Tuesday Wednesday, y’all!
Workplaces need a summer vacation. “It’s called PTO,” losers nationwide say.
Pencil it in for the week of the Fourth of July. For America.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Woman didn’t know she was pregnant, gives birth at Golden Corral and names baby after restaurant
Let the record reflect I am very inclusive and subscribe to the Everyone Love Everyone theory. If I could change my initials to D.E.I., I would. But I do have a question: did the woman in question have a cryptic pregnancy because, well, um, she was — you know what, I’m not going there.
At any rate! My girlfriend and I talked over the weekend about how women who have their babies delivered at home are cut from a different cloth (don’t get any ideas at all, ladies and gentlemen). Having a baby delivered at the Golden Corral takes that discussion up a notch.
It’s a story for the ages, one that the baby boy will likely never hear the end of from family members and, frankly, people he meets along the way because his official name is Tamaar Kylon Corral Woodfork. I’m sure he won’t be self-conscious about his two middle names later in life after kids and teenagers relentlessly pick on him once they discover he is named after Golden Corral.
Let’s discuss the overall environment. The hospital setting/environment for delivering a baby is usually pretty good. Preaching to the choir. How was the setting at the Golden Corral in North Little Rock, Arkansas? I didn’t have boots on the ground, but let’s check the recent Google reviews (4.2 total stars, almost 6,700 reviews!)
“It was clean … Kid-friendliness: nice. Wheelchair accessibility: great.”
“Food was salty, a fly in the cottage cheese, server kinda rude busy doing her own thing. We usually enjoy it but idk we probably won't be going back.”
“Excellent establishment, family atmosphere, good service.... 10 out of 10.”
“When we got there there was no sign posted on the door about no soft drinks when we walk in we finally see a sign that says no soft drinks so I order a lemonade and then it takes 10 mins for the waitress to finally come and get my cup just to come back and say there is no lemonade so we ask for a manager the manager says that we were being rude and should not speak to her that way then proceeded to ask us to leave.”
“They nasty and people put food in there and drop food in there they dig it out they hands.” Atmosphere: 1/5 — not great for delivering a baby IMO.
“No one died. Its cheap. At one point a child threw food on the floor and picked it up and put it back. I will not be back.”
The baby was presumably delivered on the floor — no doubt it was clean, right? — but luckily no one died when Tamaar was born, which is why I think the new mom will be back.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
A SNOOZEFEST OF AN NBA FINALS
After the Dallas Mavericks beat the Boston Celtics like a drum in Game 4, the door was cracked open for Dallas to pull off the unthinkable, only for the Celtics to slam the door shut in Game 5 as they cruised to a 106-88 victory. It was Banner No. 18 for the franchise — the most titles by a single NBA franchise — and an iconic one at that.
While past teams have been led by arguably the best player, or one of, in the game for that particular season, Boston, who finished the playoffs with a 16-3 record, was led by the sum of its parts. In other words, the combo of Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown, the Finals MVP, “would rank fifth lowest out of the 36 champs since 1977” in terms of playoff WAR per game, according to ESPN, but their top four players — Tatum, Brown, Derrick White, and Jrue Holiday — collectively rank fourth all-time in playoff WAR per game, trailing the 2001 Los Angeles Lakers, 2004 Detroit Pistons, and the 1985 Los Angeles Lakers. Pretty, pretty good company. Tatum is still corny as hell, though, and I’ll take that sentiment to the grave.
Boston sports teams have now won 13 (!!) championships since the turn of the century. Good for them.
Despite the blowout series loss, Luka Doncic still balled out. He finished first in points, rebounds, assists, and steals, becoming the first player in NBA playoff history to do so.
STANLEY CUP FINALS
Facing elimination in Game 4, the Edmonton Oilers’ high-powered offense finally showed up against the Florida Panthers! Boy oh boy, did they show up. They played with clenched butts to start the game but then took some laxatives and loosened up, scoring five goals in the first 25 minutes of play. They found the back of the net three more times to clinch the 8-1 victory.
In Game 5, Edmonton spilled oil in the Gulf and lit it on fire, cruising to a 5-3 victory, including an empty-net goal with under 20 seconds remaining from McJesus (read: Connor McDavid). That man is so filthy. Jiminy Christmas. He finished with four total points, and his assist in the second period to extend the Oilers’ lead to 4-1 should have prompted every hockey bro in North America to drop to their knees and bow down. After his four-point performance, he has 42 points this postseason, the fourth most in a single postseason.
The series will head north to Edmonton for Game 6. The Oilers are seeking to become the first team since the 1942 Toronto Maple Leafs to overcome a 3-0 deficit in the Stanley Cup Finals. And they have all of the momentum on their side.
2024 U.S. OPEN
Pressure creates diamonds, but it also bursts pipes. That contrast perfectly encapsulated this year’s U.S. Open, one for the ages. Rory McIlroy, seeking his first major championship since 2014, birdied three of the first four holes on the back nine, giving him a two-shot lead with five to play. He was absolutely cooking until he burned the entire house down. In the last four holes, he shot: bogey, bogey, par, bogey. A monumental choke job. It was equal parts funny and gut-wrenching, considering he missed two putts within five feet (Holes 16 and 18). Before the miss on 16, he was 496-for-496 inside three feet this season. Hole 18 was a tough pill to swallow, too. He shanked his tee shot, but he was able to recover and executed a b-e-a-utiful chip to get within five feet. Missed the putt. To say Rory got the yips with the championship on the line would be the understatement of the century. But enough about the first-place loser (respectfully); let’s break down the winner, Mr. Bryson DeChambeau!
After a bogey on 15, DeChambeau finished with three straight pars, and his save on 18 will go down as one of the best golf shots in the history of the sport. He butchered his tee shot like a municipal golfer after one too many beverages, ending up in the rough. His next shot? Right on the beach, 55 yards out. With sweaty palms, weak knees, and heavy arms, Bryson struck his ball as perfectly as he could, as it trickled inside four feet from the pin. To put into context how ridiculous of a shot it was, the chances of hitting that bunker shot inside four feet: 1.7%, according to Lou Stagner. And when someone asked Stagner to explain the shot in basketball terms, Stagner responded with the following:
It's like making a shot:
From beyond half court
At the buzzer
In game 7
To win the championship
Unlike McIlroy, DeChambeau nailed the short putt to win his second U.S. Open title. In the process, he became the 23rd golfer to win at least two U.S. Opens and the fourth player to win the U.S. Amateur and multiple U.S. Opens, joining Bobby Jones, Jack Nicklaus, and Tiger Woods. Elite company.
“Can you believe that?” Bryson said to the cameras after the victory. Sports are friggin’ awesome.
RIP JERRY WEST
Jerry West passed away last week at the age of 86. He should, and hopefully will, be remembered as one of, if not the best, basketball people in the sport’s history. He was elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame three times as a player and executive, was a 9x NBA champion (1x as a player and 8x as an executive), the only player in NBA history to be named the NBA Finals MVP after losing the series, a 14-time All-Star (every single year of his career), a 12-time All-NBA honoree, and he holds the record for the most career points in the NBA Finals with 1,679, among so many other accolades.
“While it's never been officially declared that the logo is Jerry West,” NBA commissioner Adam Silver said in 2021, "it sure looks a lot like him.”
What a legacy.
BILL BELICHICK DATING SOMEONE WAY TOO YOUNG
Good ole Billy Boy is dating someone who could be his granddaughter, as the six-time Super Bowl-winning head coach is reportedly dating a young and spry former cheerleader, Jordon Hudson, who is 24 years of age. The two met on a plane in 2021 while Belichick was dating his then-girlfriend. The now-happy couple “bonded over a philosophy project Hudson had been working on and exchanged contact information after landing.” Emotional cheating like you read about.
Notwithstanding that, he signed the book she was reading in such an alpha move.
“Jordon, Thanks for giving me a course on logic! Safe travels!” the message inside “Deductive Logic” read above Belichick’s signature.
Belichick appeared to include the numbers of which Super Bowls the Patriots won under his reign: 36, 38, 39, 49, 51, and 53 with the word “championships” to conclude it.
Belichick was spotted at Jordon’s cheerleading competition in March, and she accompanied Belichick — you could make a joke she escorted him, but I won’t make such a joke — at Tom Brady’s number retirement ceremony last week. While the news is becoming public now, Rob Gronkowski (and presumably others) knew of it and did not hesitate to poke fun at his old ball coach during the Roast of Tom Brady.
Coach, you used to talk about Foxborough High School when we sucke. But now I know why you were so obsessed with Foxborough High School: you were scouting your new girlfriend.
At the end of the day, while the age gap personally makes me quiver, if they’re happy, so be it. But I should point out that Belichick won his first Super Bowl as a head coach at age 50, two years after Hudson was born.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
We’re taking a shower this week. We will resume bath time next week.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz