🐈 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 139
Fat Cat; CFB + NFL Recap; P. Diddy in trouble
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I’m back in the saddle after a week off to pack up and move my entire life to Connecticut, the Pizza Capital of the United States. It’s everything I could have hoped for and more thus far. We’ll see whether that sentiment remains the same in February when I can’t feel my face.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
38-pound rescue cat Crumbs gets stuck in shoe rack while trying to escape from fat camp: ‘He caused a ruckus’
What on God’s Green Earth did the Russian owner(s) of this cat feed it? Apparently, so much cookies and soup that the chunker could not walk. That’s “Kelvin Benjamin is one Popeye’s biscuit away from being a tight end” level of fatness right there. But Mr. Crumbs was active enough to try to escape that hellhole of a fat camp. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, ladies and gentlemen.
“After a portion of food, he mellowed out.” They’re making him go crazy! That should not be a shock given that the cat is housed in Russia.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
CFB WEEK 3 RECAP
ALABAMA 42 Wisconsin 10: I’m not saying that Wisconsin would have beat the Crimson Tide had QB Tyler Van Dyke stayed healthy for the entire game, but I’m not not saying that. In all seriousness, this game featured grown men on one side and fifth-grade boys too scared to talk to girls on the other. And things went from “damn, my team is going to suck this year” to “holy sheet, my team is really going to suck this year” when Colten Bartholomew, the team beat reporter for the Wisconsin State Journal, reported that Van Dyke will miss the rest of the season with a knee injury. ESPN’s Pete Thamel reported that Van Dyke shredded (read: tore) his ACL.
I don’t think the defense played all that bad against the Crimson Tide, considering the offense turned it over twice in their own territory, but the lack of pass rush was concerning and there is very little room for optimism in that realm going forward. On the other side of the ball, the offense has had no identity since the start of the Longo era, and QB Braedyn Locke skipped passes to his wide receivers like he was a kid on the lake shore. He could not even throw an accurate slant pass. He sucks.
Don’t get me wrong, I did not expect the Badgers to beat Alabama. Huffing paint and spouting outlandish opinions is not my cup of tea. But I hoped they would put their best foot forward and look like a team on the rise, a team worth watching. That did not materialize in any way shape or form. Two fumbles inside their own territory, missed assignments, and an encroachment penalty on third down in the first half that eventually led to a touchdown, among other mishaps, will not cut it against the best of the best.
Going forward, the coaching staff will likely think they can somehow, some way, get this team to six wins, which means they will likely stick with Locke at quarterback for the foreseeable future. They should not do that. It’s delusional. Instead, they should seriously consider treating this as a developmental year and play more of their young talent, particularly those in the 2024 class, including true FR QB Mabrey Mettauer.
What is perhaps most frustrating, from a 10,000-foot view, is that you see Nebraska having a big second-year leap under HC Matt Rhule. There has clearly not been a second-year leap under HC Luke Fickell.
I will withhold judgment on Fickell until after the 2026 season — you have to see how the Class of 2024 develops — but Wisconsin is in danger of joining the likes of Rutgers, Maryland, Minnesota, and others in short order if the train does not get back on the tracks.
(One of the easiest solutions to getting the train back on the tracks is to get a legitimate NIL collective and start makin’ it rain, but that is easier said than done.)
NFL WEEK 2 RECAP
What an exciting, tumultuous Week 2 of the NFL season.
BILLS 31 Dolphins 10: Go figure HC Sean McDermott had his troops ready to go the day after 9/11. The Bills went belt-to-ass on the Dolphins, but the biggest story was yet another concussion suffered by Miami QB Tua Tagovailoa, his third documented one. (He also played like crap before the concussion, chucking balls up for grabs like he was playing “500,” but let’s ignore that because I don’t want to pile on the guy and worsen his concussion symptoms.) Tua has no plans to retire, according to NFL insider Ian Rapaport, but he will likely miss significant time. That’s no bueno for Miami, who doesn’t have another competent quarterback on the roster.
JETS 24 Titans 17: Tennessee QB Will Levis is really bad at football. He committed another inexcusable turnover, this time in the red zone. Mason Rudolph is the backup, so it’s not like the Titans have an easy fix. The star of the game was current Jets and former Wisconsin running back Braelon Allen. He scored a rushing touchdown and a receiving touchdown, becoming “the first 20-year old or younger in NFL history to score a rushing TD and a receiving TD in the same game,” according to ESPN’s Field Yates. Not to mention, he “is the youngest NFL player to score a scrimmage touchdown since Arnie Herber in 1930 at the exact same age (20 years, 239 days).” Herber also went to UW (h/t Pardon My Take) 🤯.
CHARGERS 26 Panthers 3: Do you know who is worse than Levis? Carolina QB Bryce Young — by a pretty significant margin. Airmailing open wide receivers. Too small to successfully navigate the pocket. The former Heisman Trophy winner finished 18/26 for 84 yards (under 4 yards per attempt!) and one interception in the blowout loss. To make matters worse for the Panthers, they became “the first team to have 0 passing TDs AND throw for less than 150 yards in 4 straight games since the 2009 Raiders,” according to ESPN’s David Newton. The quarterback of that Raiders team? Fellow QB bust JaMarcus Russell. At least Russell could say, “Yeah, I sucked in the NFL, but it was largely because I was having too much with the drugs.” I don’t think Young can say the same. That’s tough. As such, he was benched Monday for QB Andy Dalton.
LAC running back J.K. Dobbins continues his resurgence as he finished with 131 rush yards on 17 carries for one touchdown.
PACKERS 16 Colts 10: HC Matt LaFleur put on an offensive masterclass in the victory over Indianapolis, relying heavily on the tree trunks of Josh Jacobs (32 carries for 151 yards) and putting QB Malik Willis (12/14, 122 yards, 1 TD, 126.8 passer rating) in the best positions to succeed time after time. Willis was 7-of-8 for 94 yards for six first downs and one touchdown on third and fourth downs, according to Pro Football Focus. On the other side of the ball, the defense picked off Anthony Richardson three times, upping their season INT total to five. The unit had seven total interceptions in 2023.
SAINTS 44 Dallas 19: New Orleans looks like the second coming of the Greatest Show on Turf under the direction of new offensive coordinator Klint Kubiak. They got chunk plays left and right against new defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer & Co. Alvin Kamara registered four total touchdowns and QB Derek Carr finished with a 125.0 passer rating. What year is it again?
RAIDERS 26 Ravens 23: Baltimore choked away a 10-point lead in the fourth quarter as Las Vegas QB Gardner Minshew woke up from his slumber in the final period and orchestrated three scoring drives. TE Brock Bowers (9 catches for 98 yards) is going to be a problem for opposing defenses all season long.
CHIEFS 26 Bengals 25: People LOVE to say that Kansas City gets alllllll of the calls, but the pass interference penalty called against Cincinnati on fourth down with under two minutes left was, in fact, pass interference. Harrison Butker, whose wife undoubtedly cooked and cleaned for him after the game, nailed a 51-yard field goal (would have been good from 60+) as time expired to seal the victory, despite Kansas City committing three penalties.
TEXANS 19 Bears 13: Da Bears still suck, and their offensive line is even worse than suck. They are booty cheeks trash. QB Caleb Williams was pressured on roughly half of his dropbacks (23 pressures on 48 dropbacks), according to NextGen Stats. Despite the win, Houston might be without RB Joe Mixon for a period of time after he suffered an ankle injury on a clear hip-drop tackle that was not called a penalty during the game. No need to rush him back because the rest of that division has yet to record a victory.
FALCONS 22 Eagles 21: On third-and-three with under two minutes remaining, when Atlanta had zero timeouts remaining, the Eagles cooked up a perfect play call, but Saquon Barkley dropped the pass, stopping the clock. Philly still came away with three points, but their defense could not hold up their end of the bargain as they allowed one-legged Kirk Cousins to march right down the field and find Drake London in the end zone on an out route with 34 seconds left to seal the 22-21 victory. The Eagles opted to go for it in the first quarter on fourth-and-four, instead of kicking a chip shot field goal — those three points would have been beneficial!
All in all, nine teams currently sit winless at 0-2, and history suggests those teams have a shotgun pointed right between their eyes. Since the merger in 1970, only 40 teams (out of 409), or 9.8%, have made the playoffs after starting 0-2, and only two teams (out of 21) have made the playoffs since the playoffs expanded in 2021, according to SB Nation, after laying a goose egg in their first two games.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
P. Diddy Arrested
Sean “P. Diddy” Combs was arrested late Monday by federal authorities in New York City and has been charged with (1) racketeering conspiracy, (2) sex trafficking by force, fraud, or coercion, and (3) transportation to engage in prostitution.
I wonder if the list of names involved in the enterprise is Jeffrey Epstein-esque …
Some highlights from the indictment:
“As part of his pattern of abuse, COMBS manipulated women to participate in highly orchestrated performances of sexual activity with male commercial sex workers. At times, COMBS, and others acting at his direction, made arrangements for women and commercial sex workers to fly to COMBS' location. COMBS ensured participation from the women by, among other things, obtaining and distributing narcotics to them, controlling their careers, leveraging his financial support and threatening to cut off the same, and using intimidation and violence.”
More specifically …
“COMBS, and other members and associates of the Combs Enterprise, wielded the power and prestige of COMBS' role at the Combs Business to intimidate, threaten, and lure female victims into COMBS' orbit, often under the pretense of a romantic relationship. COMBS then used force, threats of force, and coercion, to cause victims to engage in extended sex acts with male commercial sex workers that COMBS referred to as, among other things, ‘Freak Offs.’ Freak Offs were elaborate and produced sex performances that COMBS arranged, directed, masturbated during, and often electronically recorded. In arranging these Freak Offs, COMBS, with the assistance of members and associates of the Combs Enterprise, transported, and caused to be transported, commercial sex workers across state lines and internationally. Freak Offs occurred regularly, sometimes lasted multiple days, and often involved multiple commercial sex workers. During Freak Offs, COMBS distributed a variety of controlled substances to victims, in part to keep the victims obedient and compliant. Sometimes unbeknownst to the victims, COMBS kept videos he filmed of victims engaging in sex acts with commercial sex workers. After Freak Offs, COMBS and the victims typically received IV fluids to recover from the physical exertion and drug use.”
“Members and associates of the Combs Enterprise, including high-ranking supervisors, security staff, household staff, personal assistants, and other Combs Business employees, facilitated the Freak Offs by, among other things, booking hotel rooms for the Freak Offs; stocking the hotel rooms in advance with the required Freak Off supplies, including controlled substances, baby oil, lubricant, extra linens, and lighting; cleaning the hotel rooms after the Freak Offs to try to mitigate room damage; arranging for travel for victims, commercial sex workers, and COMBS to and from Freak Offs; resupplying COMBS with requested supplies; delivering large sums of cash to COMBS to pay the commercial sex workers; and scheduling the delivery of IV fluids. In or about March 2024, during searches of COMBS' residences in Miami, Florida and Los Angeles, California, law enforcement seized various Freak Off supplies, including narcotics and more than 1,000 bottles of baby oil and lubricant.”
What a sick f*ck.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz