Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Tariff this, tariff that. The Costco hot dog is still $1.50.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
North Dakota mayor resigns after texting lunch-break masturbation video to city attorney
The mayor of Minot? More like the mayor of Horny Town, amirite? (workshopping).
Tom Ross voluntarily packed his bags after he accidentally sent “a video of himself masturbating on his lunch break” to Minot City Attorney, Stefanie Stalheim. Stalheim did not respond to Tubz Unfiltered for comment. (I never reached out.)
The video was allegedly intended for the mayor’s girlfriend. Sure, sure. Ross said his girlfriend’s name begins with a ‘C,’ “which is why the vulgar vid was mistakenly sent to a contact saved as ‘City Attorney.’” That very well might be true, that very well might be a crock of sh*t.
Either way, (1) Why is he sending a Jack Mehoff video during his lunch break? Why not just arrange for you and your girlfriend to meet at the crib for some afternoon delight? (2) Who sends a Jack Mehoff video after discussing “a police officer’s suicide just minutes before” with the City Attorney? That is sick and deranged.
The now-former mayor, who in an interesting twist is still listed in the Staff Directory on the City’s website, was in a fraternity, Sigma Tau Gamma, during his collegiate years at Minot State University. Old habits die hard, apparently.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
2025 NCAA MEN’S BASKETBALL TITLE
After pulling off a miraculous comeback in the Final Four against the Duke Blue Devils, erasing a six-point lead with roughly 30 seconds remaining thanks to some clutch buckets of their own and bone-headed mistakes by the Blue Devils, all of which cued a White Lotus meme to run rampant on the internet, the University of Houston Cougars were riding high entering Monday’s contest against the Florida Gators, who mounted a second-half comeback against Auburn in the other national semifinal tilt in which Walter Clayton Jr. (34 points, 5/8 3PT) looked like the second coming of Steph Curry, er, Larry Bird. According to ESPN Stats & Info, Clayton became “the first player with back-to-back 30-point games in the Elite Eight and national semifinals since Larry Bird in 1979.”
There didn’t appear to be any hangover for the Cougars in Monday’s national championship as they largely kept Clayton Jr. in check and were in command for practically the entire game. “Practically” is doing a lot of work there.
Unfortunately, or fortunately if you rooted for Florida, the Cougars pissed the championship down their leg while the Gators’ elite defense showed up in the biggest moments as Houston committed four consecutive turnovers in the final 1:20 and did not attempt a single shot. To reiterate, Houston did not get off a single shot in crunch time. Emanuel Sharp dribbled it off his leg, down one, with 26 seconds left, and with the game on the line down two, he failed to get a three-pointer off after outstanding closing defense from Clayton Jr.
Need further evidence that Houston was in control for practically the entire game? Florida held a lead for a grand total of 64 seconds and took the lead for the first time in the second half with 46 seconds remaining after Alijah Martin sank two free throws.
The Gators looked completely out of sorts in the first half, highlighted by nine turnovers and zero points from Clayton Jr., so head coach Todd Golden and his squad had to have been counting their blessings that they were only down three at the half. If the halftime margin was larger, who knows whether the Gators are wearing the crown …
So credit to them for not only keeping it close in the first half but also for their style versatility. They won plenty of games this season by scoring 80 and 90+ and won the national title by scoring 65 points, their lowest scoring output in a victory all season. That’s the mark of a true champion in my book.
The Cougars’ run to the title game is reminiscent of the 2014-15 Wisconsin team. Both teams navigated their way through a difficult bracket, slayed Goliath in an all-time game in the National Semifinal, and were that close to cutting down the nets, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion. And to boot, the final result *likely* left the faithful thinking, “When are we going to get back? This was our best chance.” Head coach Kelvin Sampson will be 70 in October. They had an ultra-experienced squad. Sure, the Cougars will welcome two five-star recruits next season, but that guarantees nothing. They had their foot on the gas pedal for ~39 minutes Monday night, and yet, are the 2024-25 NCAA Men’s Basketball First Loser. PTSD (sports variety) for years is likely on the horizon.
2025 NCAA WOMEN’S BASKETBALL TITLE
The UConn Huskies are back in the winner’s circle after stomping on South Carolina with steel-toe boots, 82-59, clinching the program’s 12th national title and first since 2016. The Huskies’ average margin of victory in the NCAA Tournament? Nearly 33 points per game.
Senior guard Paige Bueckers, who is expected to be the top pick in the WNBA Draft, averaged 24.8 points, 4.0 rebounds, 3.3 assists, and 2.8 steals throughout the NCAA Tournament, while Azzi Fudd averaged 21.5 points per game in the Final Four en route to earning Most Outstanding Player honors.
Only 3 players all-time have put up the following numbers in a single NCAA Tournament (men's or women's):
100+ points
20+ stocks (steals + blocks)
15+ assists 10+ threes made 10 or fewer turnovers
All 3 did it for the same team in the same year (Bueckers, Fudd, [Sarah] Strong).
ALEX OVECHKIN = GOAL G.O.A.T.
Etch Alex Ovechkin’s name into the hockey record books. In the second period of Sunday’s game against the New York Islanders, Ovechkin snapped off a slick wrister in the second period for his 895th career goal, passing the great Wayne Gretzky for most career goals in NHL history.
An impressive feat, no doubt, but Gretzky is still in a class of his own because no one is touching his career assists record (1,963; 2nd place is 1,249) or his career points record (2,857; 2nd place is 1,921).
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Scientists genetically engineer wolves with white hair and muscular jaws like the extinct dire wolf
Hold up. Are you telling me Planet Earth is getting a wolf back on the ground that resembles the extinct dire wolf before the Chicago Bears have a 4k-yard passer in a single season? That’s crazy!
In all seriousness, the process in which they resurrected the dire wolf, to an extent, is radically cool. Talk about making lemonade out of lemons.
Colossal scientists learned about specific traits that dire wolves possessed by examining ancient DNA from fossils. The researchers studied a 13,000 year-old dire wolf tooth unearthed in Ohio and a 72,000 year-old skull fragment found in Idaho, both part of natural history museum collections.
Then the scientists took blood cells from a living gray wolf and used CRISPR to genetically modify them in 20 different sites, said Colossal’s chief scientist Beth Shapiro. They transferred that genetic material to an egg cell from a domestic dog. When ready, embryos were transferred to surrogates, also domestic dogs, and 62 days later the genetically engineered pups were born.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz