🦍 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 166
1 Gorilla vs. 100 dudes; NFL Draft, NBA Playoffs, Belichick's relationship; Power outage
Happy Tuesday Wednesday, y’all!
Well, Volume 166 from the Pacific Northwest did not go off as planned because allergies kicked my ass. So, Volume 166 from the Northeast will have to suffice — and as a heads up, it is a plump edition.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Who would win in a fight — 100 dudes or One (1) Gorilla?
This debate would be better suited for Bath Time Pondering ™️, but it has been hot on the Twitter (yes, Twitter) streets over the last few days so I felt it was best to step into the ring and provide a take like the rest of the internet degenerates.
The short answer: 100 dudes would win against one silverback gorilla. There would be human casualties, sadly, but best believe the homo-sapiens would come away victorious.
According to Twitter user cowboyKal3b, who allegedly has “an actual degree specifically in monkeys,” an average male silverback gorilla “weighs in at around 300-400 pounds,” with the largest reportedly weighing in at 600 pounds. A big boy, undoubtedly, with brute strength and a death grip, but two players for the Tampa Bay Buccanneers, star defensive tackle Vita Vea (346 pounds) and 2025 undrafted free agent DT Desmond Watson (464 pounds), weigh more in combination, so they’re on the squad. Accordingly, we’re off to a good start.
As I sit atop my general manager seat, alongside Jane Goodall, the best strategy is to attack the gorilla in four groups of 25, although I have yet to confer with Goodall. Maybe she thinks it would be best to simultaneously attack with all 100 soldiers in a coordinated effort.
Milwaukee Bucks head coach Doc Rivers (more on the team below) will be in the first battalion and the first person leading the charge. Honorable man, but he will be the first one to get his face ripped off because I’m sick and tired of him coaching the Bucks.
An important message to the troops: Low man wins. Do you think Mr. Gorilla ever hit the hole with Fred Warner waiting to pounce? Don’t think so. Has Mr. Gorilla ever had to defend Maxx Crosby coming off the edge? Negative, ghost rider. Throw in some other NFL Thicc Boys as well as NHL enforcers and MMA fighters, and the homo-sapiens are back in time for a home-cooked meal.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NFL DRAFT
The talk of the 2025 NFL Draft was not Cam Ward, the number one overall selection. It was not the Jacksonville Jaguars trading a haul to the Cleveland Browns to draft Travis Hunter. Nope. The talk of the 2025 NFL Draft was the unprecedented freefall of Colorado QB Shedeur Sanders. Projected as a first-round pick by practically every draft analyst, the son of NFL Hall of Famer Deion Sanders did not hear his name called until the fifth round when the Browns selected him with the 144th pick, the second quarterback drafted by the franchise over the weekend.
I initially thought there was some funny business (read: slight collusion) going on within NFL circles regarding Shedeur’s big ole slip in the draft. But as more information was reported, I don’t think any funny business was going on — the farthest thing from.
Many, including but not limited to Colin Cowherd, Brady Quinn, and Todd McShay, reported that Shedeur’s interviews during the pre-draft process did not result in him putting his best foot forward, to put it lightly. The lack of a professional agent bit Shadeur in the ass, too, in hindsight because Deion, during the pre-draft process, essentially tried to dictate where his son was going to get drafted. He overplayed his hand by a wide margin. If Shedeur was God’s gift to earth and was the surefire first-overall pick, then pulling that card likely works out in the Sanders’ camp favor, a la Eli Manning. That was not the case, though. Don’t get me wrong, Shadeur was a productive college quarterback, highlighted by his arm strength and accuracy. He also has glaring faults and was presumably thought to bring unnecessary baggage in the eyes of NFL evaluators, which caused him to fall to the spot that he did even though ESPN’s Mel Kiper felt that was the highest degree of blasphemy as expressed in his tirade Saturday afternoon.
From my perspective, the elephant in the room is the massive disconnect between the draft analysts’ opinions on Shadeur and NFL team evaluators’ opinions on Shedeur. While mock drafts left and right had Shedeur as the second QB off the board, actual NFL team evaluators were seemingly moving him further and further down their boards, or at the very least, did not have him nearly as highly ranked as the public did from the get-go.
Moreover, why did it come out AFTER the fact that Shedeur was awful in interviews with various teams? Why did it come out AFTER the fact that some team owners, according to WFAN’s Boomer Esiason, ordered their respective teams to take Shedeur off their draft boards “‘because I don’t want this entitled person on our team?’” Shouldn’t all of that have been reported in the days and weeks leading up to the draft? Deion is a charismatic, personable dude who knows how to hype someone up, especially his own son, and the media may have fell victim to that.
Mock drafts will never end. In fact, the 2026 NFL Draft mocks are already in full swing. Hopefully, though, one day, draft analysts can paint a more accurate picture.
And in case Shedeur’s actual freefall was not popcorn-worthy enough, there was a story within the story — a prank call initiated by Jax Ulbrich, the 21-year-old son of defensive coordinator Jeff Ulbrich. Jax posed as New Orleans Saints GM Mickey Loomis and told Sanders he intended to select him on Day 2 of the draft. The grade-A dipshit (Jax) “wrote down the number from his father’s open iPad while visiting his parents’ home.”
The prank had serious implications. The NFL assessed the Falcons with a $250k fine and assessed Jeff with a $100k fine. Jeff has gotta be thinking, “I raised a real dumbass of a kid.”
If Adrian Peterson was fined $100k because of his son’s stupidity, AP would beat him six ways to Sunday.
NBA PLAYOFFS
The Cleveland Cavaliers were the first team to advance to the second as they curb-stomped the Miami Heat in four games. The Boston Celtics joined the Cavs in advancing to the second round as the defending champs took care of the Orlando Magic in five games.
The Denver Nuggets appeared to be cruising to an easy victory Saturday night to knot the series up at two games apiece until they blew a 22-point lead. Alas, Aaron Gordon dunked Nikola Jokic’s missed three-point attempt at the buzzer to even the series. The Nuggets followed up that victory with a commanding Game 5 victory, 131-115. After averaging a triple-double during the season, Jokic is keeping pace with that historic stat line, averaging 25.4 points, 12.8 rebounds, and 11 assists per game through the first five contests.
The Milwaukee Bucks’ 2024-25 season is over. When Damian Lillard left Game 4 early with what turned out to be a torn Achilles, I was mentally prepared for the season to be over. They provided me a glimmer of hope when they were (a) up four with 53 seconds left in regulation and (b) up seven with 40 seconds left in overtime, only for Rivers & Co. to piss the game down their legs, thanks to two costly turnovers from Gary Trent Jr. The guard had been better than the Nile up until that point. A.J. Green’s foul on Tyrese Haliburton that resulted in an and-one down the stretch in OT was equally no bueno.
Giannis finished with 30 points, 20 rebounds, and 13 assists. Even more impressive was the restraint he showed when Haliburton’s dad was sh*t-talking him ON THE COURT after the series-clinching victory for the Pacers.
No surprise, Giannis handled himself masterfully in the postgame press conference.
I would like to think Tubz Unfiltered is a PG newsletter, occasionally flirting as a PG-13 newsletter. Momentarily, it will fully turn into a PG-13 newsletter. Giannis could have choke-slammed Haliburton’s dad WWE-style, and I would not have batted an eye. In fact, I would have stood up from my seated position and started clapping, encouraging him to go for more as if I was front row at Wrestlemania.
Let’s look at the Bucks’ future as the franchise faces a pivotal point.
For starters, the Bucks’ playoff injury history since winning the 2021 NBA Finals has been horrific. Since hanging their first banner in 50 years, Khris Middleton, now a member of the Washington Wizards, and Giannis only played three full playoff games together. Not to mention, Dame obviously only played in four games in this playoff series.
Dame, in all likelihood, will miss the entire 2025-26 season, one in which his cap hit of $54.1 million is 35% of the team’s cap. He will also, in all likelihood, accept his player option for the 2026-27 season (his age-36 season) for *drumroll please* $58,456,490, according to Spotrac. (For what it’s worth, HoopsHype says that Dame’s 2025-26 number is $58.5 million and his 2026-27 number is $63.2 million. Either way, lotta money.)
Sticking with team contracts, Kyle Kuzma will make $22.4 million next season and $20.4 million the season after. He is trailer-trash bad at basketball.
And to make matters worse, Milwaukee does not own their first-round selection until 2031. Dead-ass, as the kids say. Their 2025 first-rounder will go to the Brooklyn Nets; 2026 is an unprotected swap pick with the Pelicans; the 2027 first-round pick goes to either the Hawks or the Pelicans; 2028 and 2030 are unprotected swap picks with the Blazers; and 2029 is an unprotected first-round selection to the Blazers.
The easiest path to getting out of his hellscape is to trade Giannis. That is a lot harder said than done, even though it makes sense. I would not be surprised if the team digs their heels in and rides it out because the blowback from the fanbase would be staggering if GM Jon Horst, who was recently rewarded with a contract extension interestingly enough, trades the face of the franchise and city, not to mention the player chiefly responsible for bringing the team their first NBA championship in 50 years.
Long live the 2021 NBA title until the world collapses.
AWKWARD BILL BELICHICK INTERVIEW
Turns out that legendary NFL and current UNC head coach Bill Belichick has a proverbial relationship leash wrapped around his neck by his girlfriend, Jordon Hudson, who could also be his granddaughter.
Belichick is set to release his first book early next month, The Art of Winning: Lessons from My Life in Football, so as one does, he did a sitdown interview on CBS Mornings. It certainly generated publicity! The interviewer asked Belichick how/where he met Hudson, who quickly intervened off camera by replying, “We’re not talking about this.” Where do you think they actually met? Chuck-E-Cheese? The salon (more on that below)?
At another point during the CBS interview, Hudson reportedly “got so heated ... she stood up and walked out and wanted BB to follow. It's unclear if Coach agreed, but the blowup delayed the whole interview for about half an hour,” according to TMZ. TMZ further reported that “folks at UNC are now concerned about Hudson's influence on Belichick's tenure as the head football coach in Chapel Hill ... especially with her, essentially, taking on a role as his manager.”
The horrendous PR tour continued on Instagram.
That kind of statement being posted on the university’s website is batsh*t bonkers.
Ready for more twists in this abnormal relationship? Belichick recently filed 17 new trademark applications, as pointed out by prominent trademark attorney Josh Gerben. The owner listed on the applications was TCE Rights Management LLC, a Massachusetts LLC that lists Hudson as the company’s manager.
A former cosmetologist, Hudson identifies herself as the CEO & Founder of Trouble Cub Enterprises on her LinkedIn profile. The entity is hiring for Administrative Assistant and Media Assistant roles.
Massachusetts business records also show Hudson as the manager of Trouble Cub Enterprises LLC and other entities, including: a company involved with a “multi-platform media project” (Chapel Bill LLC); a production/merchandising group for “The All-Belichick Team” (All BB Team LLC); and a video podcast production firm (Coach Show LLC).
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.
Bill Belichick’s spry girlfriend Jordon Hudson has amassed a New England real estate portfolio worth about $8 million — all within months of the fisherman’s daughter meeting the 73-year-old ex-Patriots coach, according to property records.
Hudson, 24, bought three multi-family homes across the Boston area in December 2023 for about $7.5 million — inking millions of dollars in mortgage agreements within days, documents reviewed by Realtor.com show.
Just two months earlier, Hudson dropped $610,000 on a cottage in the scenic Cape Cod town of Harwich, which she listed as her home address on the mortgage documents.
Bill might have hitched his wagon to the wrong horse. I’ll tell you this for free — Vince Lombardi would never.
This all reminds me of the downfall of Ron Burgundy. Before you know it, Belichick will be drinking milk out of the carton and stuck in a glass case of emotion.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Power returns to Spain and Portugal. The outage’s cause remains a mystery
If I wanted to make a funny, I would write, “Turn off the lights, the party is over in Spain and Portugal,” but I won’t because the lights are largely back on (and five deaths may be related to the blackout, so no need to joke about that).
At any rate, what caused the massive blackout?
In short, as of now (per the Associated Press):
Although one potential explanation … per Reuters:
[Spanish grid operator] Red Electrica said it had identified two incidents of power generation loss, probably from solar plants, in southwestern Spain that caused instability in the electric system and led to a breakdown of its interconnection with France. The electrical system collapsed, affecting both the Spanish and Portuguese systems.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz