Happy Tuesday Thursday, y’all!
Dogs should not be allowed in indoor gathering places (e.g. coffee shops, restaurants, etc.). I appreciate a good doggo as much as the next person, but let’s keep in mind the people with severe allergies (me; let’s keep me in mind).
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
NEW POPE
White smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel chimney last week, signaling that a new pope had been selected. The smoke should have been red, white, and blue because THE NEW POPE IS AN AMERICAN, BABYYYYY, the first time that has happened in history.
Pope Leo XIV, previously known as Robert Francis Prevost, has Midwest ties. He was born in Chicago and raised in nearby Dolton, IL. Prevost also has a connection to my hometown as he “served as a teacher at the Augustinian Novitiate in Oconomowoc,” according to WISN. If he has never had a concrete mixer, though, he’s #NotMyPope.
A few thoughts on Pope Leo XIV:
1. “Ope, let me squeeze right past ya” makes its way to the Vatican. Huge for the Midwest brand.
2. He’s celibate, but at least he witnessed the White Sox win the World Series in 2005. Pretty much the equivalent to getting laid.
3. Call me naive, but I have no idea what the Pope does — besides dress like it’s Halloween more times than not. (He’s essentially the CEO of the Catholic Church, per the Worldwide Web.)
4. Will the new Body of Christ be Deep Dish Pizza or an Italian Beef?
5. Just a hunch: he probably secretly condemns Caleb Williams for wearing nail polish.
6. He is reportedly a Knicks fan. No wonder why Jayson Tatum snapped his Achilles in half in Game 4 (more on that below).
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NBA PLAYOFFS
The Indiana Pacers were the first team to punch their ticket to the Conference Finals after they took care of the banged-up Cavs in five games. Tyrese Haliburton finished with 31 points, 8 assists, and 6 rebounds in the series-clinching victory. While I despise the Pacers, I respect their grit, tenacity, and offensive prowess. Just can’t have them in the NBA Finals under any circumstances.
The Denver Nuggets trail the Oklahoma City Thunder 3-2 in the series, and unless Nikola Jokic pulls a rabbit out of his butt or the team’s secondary players start playing better, Denver is going home. Jokic hasn’t been great this series — he shot less than 40% from the field in Games 2, 3, and 4 — but he finished with 44 points in Game 5 and still took the L because everyone else besides Jamal Murray (28 points) looked like Carlton Banks. That ain’t gonna cut it.
The Minnesota Timberwolves were big ole beneficiaries of Steph Curry’s hamstring injury as they breezed past the Warriors to clinch a spot in the Conference Finals for the second straight postseason. It is the first time the Timberwolves have gone to back-to-back Conference Finals.
The Boston Celtics didn’t hear no stinkin’ bell. After Tatum suffered a season-ending Achilles injury in Game 4, all hope was lost, and the chance to repeat as NBA champions was flushed down the drain — no plunger needed. Nevertheless, the Celtics opened the floodgates in the third quarter of Game 5 with a barrage of three-pointers, their bread and butter, to force a Game 6 in New York on Friday night.
NBA DRAFT LOTTERY
Months after trading away their franchise cornerstone, Dallas Mavericks GM Nico Harrison found a horseshoe in his ass as the Mavericks secured the rights to the first overall pick in the 2025 NBA Draft. Dallas had a 1.80% chance to land the pick, the fourth lowest odds in lottery history to secure the No. 1 selection. They are expected to select Cooper Flagg, but Harrison might do so reluctantly. After all, Flagg signed a shoe deal with New Balance last year, and Harrison loves his Nike guys (e.g., Anthony Davis, Kyrie Irving, and P.J. Washington).
In all seriousness, if Flagg wants to embrace being the face of the franchise, jersey No. 77 is available. He should think twice, though, because while it may seem inconceivable now (and will likely remain inconceivable), there’s a non-zero chance that Luka opts not to re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers next offseason and is a free agent. 0.1% chance, but …
Let’s discuss the NBA Draft lottery from a 30,000-foot view. Everyone and their mother think the NBA lottery is rigged, a sentiment that started in 1985 with the frozen envelope conspiracy that led the New York Knicks to land Patrick Ewing and has persisted ever since.
Let me be very clear: The lottery is not rigged. At all. There would be serious — and I mean serious — legal ramifications for the NBA and Ernst & Young, which essentially audits the lottery process. If word comes out at some point in the future that at least one of the lotteries from 2000 until now was rigged, I’ll pull a Vanessa Carlton and hitchhike or walk (take a bus in all likelihood) 1,000 miles. Nevertheless, I believe the lottery needs to be tweaked. Dallas was a Play-In participant and landed the top pick. Meanwhile, a team like the Utah Jazz, who have found it practically impossible to sign big-name free agents year in and year out because not many players would willingly sign up to live in Mormonville, had one of the highest probabilities of landing the first overall selection in this year’s draft, and they ended up with the fifth pick.
That ain’t right nor fair.
My suggestions: Take the three worst teams based on their regular season record and put them in a lottery, where the worst pick that one of them can get is third overall; the remaining lottery teams claim No. 4 through No. 14. Alternatively, get rid of the lottery system altogether so that teams pick in the order of their regular season record (worst to first), but a team can only pick in the top three for two consecutive seasons; after that, if they still suck, their first-round pick will be No. 11. Major League Baseball institutes something similar.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
ProPublica: This Lender Said Its Loans Would Help Tennesseans. It Has Sued More Than 110,000 of Them.
Payday loans walked, so that Flex Loans could run. Predatory behavior to the nth degree, allowed by Tennessee politicians.
Advance Financial, a Tennessee corporation, has sued at least 110,000 consumers since 2015, with a high number of those consumers, if not all, essentially being poor. That equates to one lawsuit for every 50 residents “[a]cross the 59 counties where electronic court records are available” in the state.
Flex Loans, which became legal in the state in 2015, are distinct from payday loans in the sense that they have a higher cap ($4k vs $425), a much higher interest rate — “the company charges the equivalent of a 279.5% annual interest rate” — and allow a company like Advance Financial to recoup attorney fees, “a practice that can add up to a third of the loan amount.” Put another way, they’re payday loans on steroids, er, the Barry Bonds of payday loans, and they have brought forth financial ruin to countless Tennessee residents.
As someone who used to work as a debt collection attorney — the worst professional experience of my life that, if I’m being frank, I would wish upon my enemies — getting a judgment is, more times than not, as easy as finding drugs in a homeless encampment. Consumers rarely showed up to the court hearing; even if they did, they were without counsel. That also appeared to be the case for Advance. As a result, they have “won over $200 million in judgments since the start of 2015.”
A staggering amount, but it’s easy to understand when you consider the following example.
Over 10 months, Hansen paid Advance nearly $2,200 more than she borrowed, records show.
She still owed almost $3,000 when she stopped paying Advance. The company waited around three months before declaring her in default, letting her debt grow before it sued her several months later. With the addition of attorneys fees and court-added interest, the company sued her for $6,000.
Hansen, who asked to use her maiden name because she’s no longer married, lost her home in 2022, moving into an apartment, which she said costs more than her mortgage had.
Hansen said she plans to pay Advance by the summer. A February bonus check, which the company garnished 25% of, has helped.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz