🧼 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 171
Extra Bubbles x2; NBA Finals + Stanley Cup Final Previews; Bath Time Pondering
Happy Tuesday Wednesday, y’all!
I'm not proud of this, but I used to pay for some things with spare change. I’m not talking about a piece of candy for 50 cents; I’m talking about buying a soda for $2+ and whipping out quarters and dimes. Simpler times.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Sydney Sweeney is selling soap that contains her actual bathwater
It feels fitting that Tubz Unfiltered is covering a story about a celebrity selling her soul, er, bathwater. Were there extra bubbles in the tub she was bathing in? I would rather not know nor find out.
Horny, deranged, single-as-a-dollar-bill men can now buy “Sydney’s Bathwater Bliss” from Dr. Squatch for $8 per bar. The limited edition bar of soap “contains a touch of Sydney’s very own bathwater,” according to the product description. If you know of a dude who smells like he bunked with a raccoon in a dumpster but after June 6 smells like “the ultimate blend of outdoor serenity with refreshing notes of pine,” there’s a chance he’s a certified horndog and purchased Sweeney’s bathwater.
My thoughts:
Sweeney is selling herself short. I feel disgusted for having researched this, but newsletter duty calls — Belle Delphine, who had 4.2 million followers on Instagram as of July 2019, sold her bathwater for $30 per bottle in 2019, according to the Guardian. “The bottles of bath water sold out immediately.” I don’t know what’s faster than immediately, but let that be the word to describe the time it would take for Sweeney to sell out of her jarred bath water.
A fan reached out to Dr. Squatch via snail mail and wrote, “You sell bathwater soap. Do you have the bathwater for purchase? I am legitimate buyer. The intended purpose of attaining the liquid is to use as eye drops. As my eyes are quite large and prone to drying. I will offer $400,000.00.” My brother in Christ, that’s how you get pink eye. Touch some grass.
The lonely male epidemic is still alive and well.
Teenage boys might be cursing more and hopeful that their mother will wash their mouths out with Sweeney’s soap that their father bought.
Sweeney recently ended her engagement with a non-Hollywood man. This partnership with Dr. Squatch could have been a vindictive move, or perhaps Sweeney’s relationship with her father is not strong so she needs to seek attention from other men any way she can to feel better about herself. I don’t have the answers, I'm just making you think. Not my circus, not my monkey.
No, I will not be purchasing the bar of soap for “research.”
🛁 EXTRA EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Woman’s seven-year nightmare after partner ‘farted in my face’
A two-fer!
Research suggests that farting in front of your partner “can be a sign of trust and comfort in a relationship, indicating a stronger bond and better emotional health.” Some dude took that to the extreme.
Not only did he unintentionally fart in his then-partner’s face, but his fart likely smelt like a used diaper filled with Indiana food — “I couldn’t breathe” — resulting in his-then partner Christine Connell battling sinus infections for seven (!!) years. Her sinus tests revealed E. coli.
However, Franklin Joseph, a consultant physician, noted that “the idea of developing a sinus infection from someone passing gas is, scientifically speaking, extremely unlikely.”
First of all, a wet-blanket observation. Secondly, it was “extremely unlikely” that the United States of America would put a man on the moon back in the day, but guess what? We did. (Yes, we did. Thank you.) So, Doctor Joseph, there’s a non-zero chance that dude’s ass bomb led Connell to have sinus infections for seven years.
Either way, talk about a toxic breakup, amirite?
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NBA PLAYOFFS
And there were two.
In an NBA Finals matchup that will likely not attract many casual viewers nor get them amped up to discuss it around the watercooler, the Indiana Pacers will face off against the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Pacers are searching for their first-ever NBA championship. Sucks to suck for them because they will still be searching after it’s all said and done.
Prediction: Thunder in 6.
Game 1 tips off on Thursday at 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST. The Thunder opened as -750 favorites at one of the major sportsbooks (no free ads, as always).
Noteworthy tidbits:
The Thunder have been blowing teams out left and right this postseason. Of their 12 victories, 4 of them have been by at least 30 points.
Outstanding point guard matchup between OKC’s Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and IND’s Tyrese Haliburton. In terms of combined Win Shares, SGA and Haliburton rank third (27.1 WS) “from the 17 times when All-Star and/or All-NBA point guards faced off in the NBA Finals.”
The Thunder and Pacers were first and second in the NBA, respectively, during the regular season in opponent fastbreak points per game (11.8 points and 12.6 points, respectively). Both teams love to get out in transition, so something has to give.
Speaking of first and second, OKC (53-13) and Indiana (46-18) had the best records in the league since Jan. 1. We are literally getting the two best teams since the turn of the calendar.
IND head coach Rick Carlisle could become the fourth head coach to win a ring with two different organizations (Alex Hannum, Hawks/76ers; Phil Jackson, Bulls/Lakers; and Pat Riley, Lakers/Heat).
Since the NBA luxury tax was first implemented in 2001, this year’s NBA Finals is the first in which neither team is a taxpayer, according to Keith Smith. Superb roster building by Thunder GM Sam Presti and Pacers GM Chad Buchanan. Below is how the rotational players (top-8) by playoff minutes were acquired for both teams.
Thunder
SGA (Acquired via trade with the Los Angeles Clippers, where Paul George was shipped out. Franchise-altering trade for both sides.)
Jalen Williams (Drafted by OKC with the 12th overall pick in the ‘22 NBA Draft)
Chet Holmgren (Drafted by OKC with the 2nd overall pick in the ‘22 NBA Draft)
Lu Dort (Went undrafted, signed a two-way contract with OKC in 2019)
Isaiah Hartenstein (Signed a 3-yr, $87M deal with OKC last offseason)
Alex Caruso (Acquired via trade)
Cason Wallace (Technically drafted by the Dallas Mavericks in 2023, but was traded to OKC on draft night)
Aaron Wiggins (Drafted by OKC with the 55th overall pick in the ‘21 Draft)
Pacers
Haliburton (Acquired via trade with the Sacramento Kings in Feb. 2022)
Pascal Siakam (Acquired via trade with the Toronto Raptors in Jan. 2024)
Andrew Nembhard (Drafted by IND with the 31st overall pick in the ‘22 NBA Draft)
Myles Turner (Drafted by IND with the 11th overall pick in the ‘15 NBA Draft)
Aaron Nesmith (Acquired via trade with the Boston Celtics in July 2022)
Obi Toppin (Acquired via trade with the New York Knicks in July 2023)
T.J. McConnell (Signed as a free agent in 2019)
Bennedict Mathurin (Drafted by IND with the 6th overall pick in the ‘22 NBA Draft)
(No. 9, technically) Ben Sheppard (Drafted by IND with the 26th overall pick in the ‘23 NBA Draft)
STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS
This series is going to rock. A rematch of last year’s Stanley Cup Final, the Edmonton Oilers will have home-ice advantage as they take on the defending champ, the Florida Panthers. Game 1 is Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST.
Since the NHL expanded in 1967, only three teams have lost in the Stanley Cup Final but gone on to win it the following year: the Oilers (1984), the Pittsburgh Penguins (2009), and the Panthers (2024). Will this year’s Edmonton squad become the fourth?
Random but cool: It is the 45th consecutive year in which a teammate of Jaromír Jágr has played in the Stanley Cup Final.
As I have regrettably mentioned previously, I was not locked in on the Stanley Cup Playoffs up until this point, so I’m going to rely on the experts to preview the tilt, who predict it will be a close series.
Of the 16 NHL.com staffers who gave a prediction, eight picked the Oilers while eight picked the Panthers.
The Oilers will be without LW Zach Hyman, a sizable loss as several staffers pointed out. Hyman “leads the playoffs with 111 hits. The Oilers have 648 hits in 16 games this postseason, while the Panthers lead the playoffs with 812 hits in 17 games,” writes Nicholas Cotsonika. In other words, the Panthers lay the boom. Love to see that.
Edmonton superstar Connor McDavid deserves a ring. Canada deserves a ring. In fact, a Canada-based team has not raised the Cup since the Montreal Canadiens did so in 1993.
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL
Soccer! Who woulda thunk it?
The Champions League Final took place over the weekend between PSG and Inter Milan, with PSG spreading Nutella all over the nut-allergic Inter Milan and cruising to a 5-0 victory. Inter Milan ended the contest with a mere two shots on goal and had zero shots on goal at the 68’ mark.
Young phenom Désiré Doué, who turned 20 on June 3, finished with two goals and an assist, becoming the third-youngest goalscorer in Champions League final history. Everyone and their mother in the soccer world talked religiously about Mbappe being only 19 back in the day when he was ascending to superstar status, so it only seems fair to expect they will exert the same energy when they talk about Doué (except that he’s now 20, so that might throw a wrench into things).
Sadly, the PSG faithful celebrated way too aggressively. Chill pills should have been taken. A 17-year-old boy was stabbed to death, “a man in his 20s was killed in Paris when his scooter was hit by a car during PSG celebrations … [and] a police officer was hit accidentally by fireworks at a PSG gathering in Coutances in northwest France and placed in an artificial coma because of grave eye injuries,” as reported by the Associated Press on June 1. “A total of 192 people were injured around the capital.”
Prayers up.
🤓 BATH TIME PONDERING 🤓
If you could undo/change the outcome of one moment in sports or pop culture history, what would it be?
My answer: Brandon Bostick’s botched onside kick recovery in the 2014 NFC Championship Game.
Best answers will be showcased during the next installment of Bath Time Pondering!
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz