🎆Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 42 🎆
If someone asks you what you have been reading lately, please tell them about Tubz Unfiltered.
Happy 4th of July, y’all!
As mentioned in Volume 41, this week’s installment of Tubz Unfiltered will be entirely different from prior installments, because I have had sporadic internet connection the past week, which has been glorious. (I am typing this on Monday, June 27, so maybe it has not been glorious. Maybe, just maybe, I have been feening for internet like a crack addict feens for one more little crack rock. Who is to say at this point.) Regardless, I previously wrote about sports and pop culture — go figure — on this site I created, “Corner of Sports,” during college. This article is from July 2013, so I thought I would re-post the debut of my Five Highly Educated Thoughts and add some commentary (in italics).
I hope y’all enjoy your 4th of July today, but please do not drink and drive. It is never worth it. Uber and Lyft, or whatever other ride shares are out there, are readily available. Use them.
DEBUT OF REX’S FIVE HIGHLY EDUCATED THOUGHTS
5. MLB All-Star Game is the best of all professional leagues. (I am actually not sure whether there is a *best* all-star game among the Big 4 leagues. They are all kind of blah. Notwithstanding that, since the NBA changed the scoring format of its all-star game, that one is probably the best off the type of my head.)
I’ll be perfectly honest — I’m not a huge fan of professional all-star games but, if I am going to watch an all-star game, it’s going to be MLB’s. The Home Run Derby was spectacular with the young guns Oakland A’s outfielder Yoenis Cespedes and Washington Nationals’ outfielder Bryce Harper leading the way. Not to mention, the announcing of Chris Berman makes it even more special, actually it’s annoying, but whatever. (I acknowledged that Chris Berman was special and annoying in the same sentence. Top-tier commentary right there.) Speaking of announcing, Joe Buck kicks some serious ass in the booth for the actual All-Star game, which makes it even more intriguing. (Nine years later, I am still a fan of Joe Buck but will not be able to enjoy his baseball calls on FOX any longer, given that he is now employed by ESPN.)
Alright, enough with the fluff fluff, let’s get on to the two best items of the MLB All-Star Game. First, the game actually matters. (Well, it actually now does not matter, and has not since 2018, so strike that point from the record please.) The Pro Bowl seriously needs to just turn into a week’s vacation to Hawaii and multiple free trips to the strip club of their choice with a $60,000 limit. Some would spend a decent amount and save the rest while others would spend it at the Cheesecake Factory. Not naming any names (cough, Vince Young, cough). The NBA All-Star Game should turn into a weekend’s trip to Las Vegas with a $50,000 limit for some grade-A strippers. (Just an FYI — I wrote the aforementioned article and did not publish it under a disguised name (e.g., Tubz). My naiveness was through the roof. Also, what benefit do the fans receive in exchange for the aforementioned scenarios? Couple laughs, that is about it. Finally, why was I so gun-ho on incorporating strippers into the Pro Bowl and NBA All-Star Game? Bad proposals by me tbh. Very bad, actually. You would think a 15-year-old wrote the article, not a then-21-year-old.) All in all, besides some hypothetical scenarios, the NFL and NBA’s all-star games don’t mean shit. (Sorry for the language, Mom and Dad, nine years later. My b, but that is a factual statement.) It makes it much more enjoyable to watch when professional athletes actually try, let alone they are some of the best in the world. Just remember, too: they are all on steroids. (Nine years later, all baseball players are definitely not on steroids. As for the other leagues, I think it is safe to acknowledge that all players in those leagues, too, are definitely not on steroids.)
Next, the MLB celebrity All-Star game is the real mother f’en deal. Ozzie Smith is still wheelin’ and does not look a day over 65. It’s always great to see hot girls swinging the bat with those hips. Game. Set. Match. (I have no idea when the last time I watched the MLB Celebrity All-Star Game, though if I had to guess it was in 2013, so it clearly is no longer the real mother f’en deal. Plus, while I am cringing at that last sentence, you have to admit it is kind of funny.)
4. Why did Texas not join the SEC?
I’m almost certain would have gone to the SEC if they weren’t such cheap bastards about wanting to keep the Longhorn Network airing on ESPN, but who could blame them. Well, I’m going to blame them. They have been below average the past couple of years in a conference that has been pretty average. Go to the SEC and suck. It’s a perfect good excuse for being below average. If you play Alabama, Florida, South Carolina and Mississippi State and go 7-6, it’s a success. Plus, Mack Brown needs to get the hell out of Dodge. Pay Will Muschamp a poop ton to come back and replace him, move to the SEC, and win another national championship, but this time in a much-tougher conference.
Well, well, well. Nine years later, Texas is set to join the SEC. The Longhorns did not take my advice and pay Will Muschamp a poop ton of money (definitely for the best), but instead paid a poop ton of money for Charlie Strong (fired), Tom Herman (fired), and Steve Sarkisian. Call me skeptical, but I think it is going to be an uphill battle for Texas to win a national championship as a member of the SEC. Then again, with QB Arch Manning committing to Texas recently, never say never. Of note, since the 2013 season, the Longhorns have won at least 10 games once (2018) and have had four losing seasons (2014-16, 2021). One final note: the UT stakeholders and rabid fans alike will, without a doubt, not view a 7-6 season as a success in the SEC.
3. Andy Roddick is going to do great as an analyst for Fox Sports 1.
Let’s set the record straight — Andy Roddick is my favorite tennis player so I am naturally bias to think that Roddick is going to succeed as an analyst for Fox Sports, but I really do believe he possesses the perfect on-air personality. Basically what it boils down to this: he says whatever the hell is on his mind and he’s educated and savvy about his thoughts.
Highly Educated Insider Story
While Andy Roddick only won one major championship, he could have won more if his wife Brooklyn Decker hadn’t refused to have sex with him the last five years of his career, according to sources close to the Roddick-Decker family. The source, who chose to remain anonymous because of fear Roddick would give him a titty twister, said a sexual intercourse interaction after Roddick returned from the bars ended poorly after Roddick couldn’t pop a hard one. It almost forced them to divorce but Decker was too much of a pussy to walk away. Now another source, who will work with Roddick at Fox Sports, told me via Tinder that she overheard around the water cooler that Decker agreed to bang Roddick again before every appearance on Fox Sports 1.
So, yeah, he’s going to haul some serious ass on TV. Literally. You heard it here first.
Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. This entire section has been crossed out because it breaks the inappropriateness scale. In fact, it shatters the inappropriateness scale. Allow me to report two facts, though: (1) Roddick left Fox Sports 1 in August 2015, two years after he was hired, and (2) he is still married to Brooklyn Decker.
2. It’s pointless to watch the first two rounds of a golf tournament.
People get all excited after the first round of a golf tournament, especially a major championship. Holy shit, Zach Johnson is in the lead. He’s got such a great chance to compete on Sunday. Real good, then, peeps because he shit the bed on Friday and Saturday to put himself out of contention. (Note: He did get back into contention on Sunday. Kudos) In fact, anyone who watches on Thursday and Friday are those who have nothing else to do. The real watchers are tuned in like crazy on Saturday and Sunday, only wishing they could hit one shot like that before they depart six-feet under.
If Tiger is in contention, Sunday is TV gold. He’s got the Sunday red on. He’s walking with a swag. Nothing can go wrong, except if he’s not contention. Get me the hell out of here if Tiger is in the basement on Sunday. It’s pretty much worthless.
Okie dokie smokie, I actually stand by this one. It is still pointless to watch the first two rounds of a golf tournament, even the majors. However, despite the fact that Tiger has not been in contention recently on Sunday in major tournaments, I definitely still tune in on Sunday. As I have grown older, I have realized that golf is the perfect sport to have on the TV in the background during the weekend while you are doing stuff around the house and the perfect sport to take a nap during, specifically holes 3-11 or thereabout.
1. It’s great to see Yankees’ third baseman Alex Rodriguez make his way back to the majors. Pause. Not.
He disrespects the game. He’s been associated with steroids endless amounts of time. Just keep him in the minors. He can be a great leader for the young guys on the maturation process. Or Brian Cashman could plant some steroids in his locker room and turn him in to Bud Selig, forever cementing his dismissal from baseball. A-Rod should honestly retire because I’m getting real annoyed of Sportscenter for showing updates him every damn time I turn on the TV.
As an attorney, I retract my statement that Brian Cashman could plant some steroids in A-Rod’s locker and turn him in to then-Commissioner Bud Selig. Clearly did not think that one through when I was typing on my balcony in Madison. That is my bad. Fast forward nine years, Alex Rodriguez is still on the TV, albeit as an announcer, and I am still not watching.