📝 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 56
Lost SAT Tests; New Casey Anthony Documentary; Sportz; Deep Dive on FTX
Happy Monday, y’all!
I binged Severance on Apple TV+ over the weekend. 10/10, highly recommend. But make sure that you wear blue light glasses when you inevitably binge to save your eyes. You might also consider employing some deep breathing exercises while you watch to resist the rage-knows-no-bounds urge to yell at your television screen.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
BuzzFeed News: More Than 50 High School Students Might Have To Retake The SAT After Their Tests Flew Out Of A UPS Truck
This would definitely suck. Imagine studying your butt off, or at a bare minimum showing up at the ass crack of dawn, for the SAT, and some ditzy-do-dunkaroo UPS driver was like:
I would presume that some of these kids have set their sights as high as Snoop Dogg on where they want to attend college, imagining that the world is their oyster, but maybe community college is not a bad option after all. For the first year anyway, then they can reassess the situation. Minuses: they have to live with their parents for another year and there is no opportunity to get buck wild in the dorms. Pluses: they save a bunch of money and there is no way in hell that they could get busted by an RA for underage drinking.
However, if the 55 kids that had their ACT tests swept away like Dorothy and Toto wanted to have a more “normal” college experience AND did not want to re-take the SAT, chin up buttercup because there are more than 1,700 colleges and universities that do not require the SAT for Fall 2023 admission.
Or, they could not be like me during high school, and simply re-take the test. Dealer’s choice.
🛁 EXTRA EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Variety: Casey Anthony Shares Her Side of the Story in Trailer for Peacock Docuseries
“What emerges over the course of multiple interviews recorded over six months is a startling psychological portrait of Casey Anthony and a complete narrative of what she says happened to her daughter weighed against multiple sources of potential evidence. I believe the result will surprise many and cause the American public to look at this story in a new light.”
If you assume the American public is deaf, blind, and stupid, then yes, it is entirely possible that we look at the story of Casey Anthony — a tale that consists of Anthony allegedly killing her 2-year-old daughter (reminder: found not guilty) — in a new light.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
COLLEGE FOOTBALL RECAP
Iowa 24 Wisconsin 10: The Badgers’ defense played like grown men, holding the Hawkeyes to 146 yards of total offense. The Badgers’ offense, meanwhile, played like little tykes who still do not have fully developed motor skills, headlined by quarterback Graham Mertz (16-of-35, 176 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs) and running back Braelon Allen (17 carries, 40 yards), who barely averaged over 2 yards a carry though the shoulder injury he suffered against Purdue is clearly bothering him. Two games left to get bowl eligible for Leonhard’s squad.
TCU 17 Texas 10: This one had an upset written all over it as TCU has been playing with fire the past five weeks, despite remaining undefeated. No upset, though, in Austin because the Horned Frogs’ defense, which has been the team’s weak link thus far, rose to the occasion and bottled up QB Quinn Ewers (17-of-39, 171 yards, 1 INT) and RB Bijan Robinson (12 carries, 29 yards).
TCU clinched a spot in the Big 12 title game and has a very good chance to enter that game undefeated, with games remaining against Baylor (6-4) and Iowa State (4-6). Texas remains NOT back. So, to the Longhorn fans:
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NFL RECAP
Vikings 33 Bills 30 (OT): This game was so crunk (read: high and drunk) that even Lil Wayne probably had to stop sippin’ on syrup to watch the end of this bad boy.
With under two minutes remaining in the third quarter, the Bills were up 27-10 and their win probability was 96.8%. The Vikings scratched and clawed their way back, but were faced with a 4th-and-18 with two minutes left, trailing 27-23. WR Justin Jefferson (10 receptions, 193 yards, 1 TD) — who has the most 100-yard and 150-yard receiving games through the first three years of a career in NFL history (20 and 7, respectively), per Pro Football Talk — made a catch so improbable that even the nerds probably could not calculate the probability of a catch like that. Absolutely insane.
Jefferson was stopped short at the 1-yard line on third down, so the Queens turned to Kirk Cousins for a QB sneak on fourth down and he did what he usually does: let down his teammates by getting stuffed. Game over, right? Negative ghost rider, because Josh Allen fumbled the snap and Minnesota recovered in the end zone for six. Luckily, Allen redeemed himself and was able to get Buffalo into field goal range to tie the game.
In overtime, the Vikings scored a field goal on their first possession then Allen an interception in the red zone, his second interception of the game. Ball game, as Minnesota improved to 8-1.
Packers 31 Cowboys 28 (OT): Down 28-14, I was about to go on a walk and stew about the Packers being more trash than a trailer park. I miraculously did not do that and the Packers managed to come away victorious for the first time since Oct. 2, courtesy of rookie stud wideout Christian Watson (4 receptions, 107 yards, 3 TDs), and Aaron Jones (26 touches, 156 yards, 1 TD). Plus, Allen Lazard made a huge reception on third-and-2 in OT that ultimately set up Mason Crosby’s game-winning field goal, and Aaron Rodgers had a season-high 146.7 passer rating.
With the win, Green Bay avoided a six-game losing streak for the first time since 1988. I declared the Packers’ season dead last week. Hand up, that was an overreaction. Still alive!
Colts 25 Raiders 20: Las Vegas head coach Josh McDaniels’ days in Sin City may be numbered after yet another debacle. In particular because Sunday’s L was to interim head coach Jeff Saturday, who was recently employed by ESPN and had ZERO college or NFL coaching experience when hired. Big ole yikes for the Raiders, but ya gotta give some flowers to Saturday for rallying the troops, especially since every sports media analyst and pundit chastised the Colts for naming Saturday the head coach due to his lack of experience.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
FTX was a cryptocurrency exchange, and allegedly one of more “reputable” crypto companies out there, before last week’s shitting of the bed. Actually, I do not believe that even begins to accurately describe what all unfolded.
It was announced last Monday that Binance, the world’s largest crypto exchange, agreed to a non-binding agreement to buy FTX, but Binance walked away from the deal because FTX was an absolute mess.
FTX told investors on Nov. 9 that they needed emergency funding to cover an $8 billion shortfall “due to withdrawal requests received in recent days.”
According to reporting by the Wall Street Journal, FTX lent $10 billion to its sister company, Alameda Research, by tapping into customer accounts, worth roughly $16 billion, “to fund risky bets.” Shady beyond belief.
FTX filed for Ch. 11 bankruptcy on Friday and its CEO Sam Bankman-Fried stepped down, effective immediately. More than 100,000 creditors, according to the bankruptcy filing obtained by CNBC, with liabilities and assets each ranging between $10 billion to $50 billion. Of note, Enron had liabilities of $23 billion.
FTX customers should start buying diapers for themselves because “[a]t least $1 billion of customer funds have vanished from FTX.”
The Ontario Teachers Pension Plan, Canada’s third largest pension fund, took a big ole hit from FTX’s demise as they flushed $95 million down the drain, having made a $75 million investment in FTX International and FTX.US in Oct. 2021 and a $20 million investment in FTX.US in Jan. 2022.
Speaking of flushing money down the drain: Sequoia Capital, one of the most prominent private equity firms, “said it will mark down its investment of $214 million in FTX to zero.”
The firm declared in a post on its website in Sept. 2022, a post that has since been deleted, that “Sam-Bankman-Fried Has A Savior Complex — And Maybe You Should Too.”
Among Wall Street’s financial elite, SBF’s Bitcoin arb is mentioned in the same hushed tones as Paul Tudor Jones’s 1987 shorting of the entire American economy, or George Soros’s 1992 raid on the Bank of England, or John Paulson’s 2008 bet against subprime mortgages.
Nothing is a sure bet in crypto, but just the possibility that FTX could join—or even eclipse—the big four of American banking (JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America, Wells Fargo and Citibank) means it’s already valued at $32 billion.
Massive swing and a miss.
Beyond investments from OTPP and Sequoia, there were a number of celebrities with ties to FTX, including but not limited to: Tom Brady and Gisele, Steph Curry, Trevor Lawrence, Shohei Ohtani, Shaq, David Ortiz, Naomi Osaka, and Shark Tank’s Kevin O’Leary.
The Miami Heat played their home games at FTX Arena, after the company struck a 19-year, $135-million deal with the team and Miami-Dade County for the naming rights in 2021. The Heat and the County, to the surprise of no one, terminated that deal last week.
FTX is facing investigations from the DOJ and SEC for potential violations of securities law and any criminal law violations.
Insult to injury, per Local10.com: “The Royal Bahamas Police Force said Sunday it is investigating FTX, adding to the company’s woes. The police force said in a statement Sunday it was working with Bahamas securities regulators to ‘investigate if any criminal misconduct occurred’ involving the exchange, which had moved its headquarters to the Caribbean country last year.”
As of Friday, the price of bitcoin was below $18,000. Roughly a year ago, the price was above $68,000.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed, make sure to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz