🍪 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 67
Girl Scout Cookie SZN; TB12 Retires + More; Your Behavior, Graded
Happy Monday, y’all!
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” ~Anonymous.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
7 Surprising Girl Scout Cookie Secrets
Girl Scout Cookie Season, otherwise known as the annual Diabetes Meet-n-Greet, is upon us. Let’s get this out of the way at the outset, if for no other reason than it may be a controversial take: Thin Mints are best enjoyed frozen, and in that form, vault themselves to the best Girl Scout cookie. Take a deep breath, read it again, and realize it is true. Thank you.
Girl Scout cookies were first sold in 1917 in Oklahoma and the troop used the profits to send gifts to soldiers fighting in World War I. While the state’s casinos have robbed people blind for way too long, it is refreshing to read that at least one group of people from that state decided to do the right thing once upon a time. Put more succinctly, the troop’s generosity has been the only good thing to come out of the state of Oklahoma.
Surprisingly, the names and recipes of Girl Scout cookies are regional “due to a licensing issue,” depending on which bakery makes them. There are two bakeries: Little Brownie Bakers (located in Louisville, KY) and ABC Bakers (located in North Sioux City, SD). Hopefully, they follow US labor laws; the Scouts community cannot afford any more eye sores.
ABC Bakers' Peanut Butter Patties are equivalent to Little Brown Bakers' Tagalongs, but there's a huge difference in flavor and texture. Tagalongs have more peanut butter while Peanut Butter Patties just have one layer. And the Thin Mints from ABC Bakers are thinner and crunchier than the version Little Brownie Bakers produces.
Other cookies with different names include Do-Si-Dos/Peanut Butter Sandwich, Peanut Butter Patties/ Tagalongs and Trefoils/Shortbread.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
TB12 SAYS GOODBYE … AGAIN
Tom Brady stepped away from the game of football for the second-consecutive offseason, though this year’s retirement seems like much more of a sure thing than last year’s retirement. Brady is, without a doubt, the Greatest of All Time, but is he the Best of All Time? I previously thought that Dan Marino or Aaron Rodgers deserved that recognition, but it is difficult to argue that Brady is not the B.O.A.T.
First in NFL history in regular season passing yards (89,214), touchdown passes (649), completions (7,753), attempts (12,050), wins (251), playoff game-winning drives (14), playoff passing yards (13,400), playoff passing touchdowns (88), Super Bowl MVPs (5), and Pro Bowl appearances (15).
Only player in NFL history to produce over 100,000 passing yards (102,614).
7 Super Bowl titles, more than any other NFL franchise.
Third all-time among QBs in MVPs (3).
10th in all-time passer rating (97.2).
Other items to consider:
Only NFL player to undergo more than one plastic surgery operation for funsies. Admittedly, I do not know 100% whether this is true, but I am 99% confident that it is so I’m gonna count it.
Reportedly lost $50 million in the FTX fallout. No other NFL QB came close, to my knowledge, and I seriously doubt any of the other preeminent, all-time QBs have been that aggressive with their investment portfolio. Point, Brady.
Picked football over family last season, showing immense dedication to his craft. Counterpoint: Rodgers picked football over family a long time ago.
— — —
NFL COACHING SZN
Former New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton is headed to the Mile High City. The Denver Broncos traded a 2023 first-round selection and a 2024 second-round selection in exchange for Payton and the Saints’ 2024 third-rounder.
In getting QB Russell Wilson and Payton (plus doling out huge contracts for each), the Broncos said adios to the following assets: three first-round picks, three second-round picks, one fifth-round pick, QB Drew Lock, TE Noah Fant, and DL Shelby Harris.
Altogether, if the Broncos do not consistently make the playoffs and do not seriously contend for the Lombardi Trophy going forward, then those moves will prove to be an atrocious return on investment.
For the Texans and DeMeco Ryans, I have no idea whether the marriage will be a successful one, but a lot of fans, pundits, and those who have been around Ryans seem to be *in Borat voice* very excite! So, we shall see how it plays out, but the bar for success in Houston has been set incredibly low, given how the last few seasons have transpired.
— — —
KYRIE IRVING TRADE
All-NBA nut job Kyrie Irving is headed to my city (Irving is a Dallas suburb, ironically enough), along with Markieff Morris, in exchange for Spencer Dinwiddie, Dorian Finney-Smith, a 2029 first-round pick, a 2027 second-round pick, and a 2029 second-round pick.
The Irving experiment in Brooklyn did not work out well, to put it lightly. Sure, he averaged 27.1 points, 5.8 assists, and 4.8 rebounds per game in four seasons, but he only played in 143 games out of a possible 278 games and he and Kevin Durant only played in 74 games together over that span. The Duke product was also incredibly cancerous by all accounts. No surprise that a Duke guy would act in such a manner.
I get why the Mavs, currently sixth in the West, made the trade and pushed their chips to the middle in the process: they cannot afford to waste any years with a once-in-a-generation player like Luka, and the West seems to be wide open. If, and this is a massive if, Irving can get his head on straight for the rest of the season, the Luka-Kyrie backcourt will be a lethal combination and will have the SMU grads from Highland Park in their Patagonia vests and boat shoes thinking that Dallas can make a run to the NBA Finals.
Still, GM Nico Harrison, whose relationship with Kyrie dates back to their time together at Nike, gave up quite a bit for a player that is potentially a half-season rental and has more baggage than a sorority chick headed to Italy to study abroad.
LITTLE DUSTUP FT. JA MORANT
Following a game between the Indiana Pacers and Memphis Grizzlies on Jan. 29 in Memphis, acquaintances of Grizzlies star Ja Morant aggressively confronted members of the Pacers traveling party near the team’s bus in the loading area of FedExForum, and later someone in a slow-moving SUV — which Morant was riding in — trained a red laser on them.
The two members of the traveling party who spoke to The Athletic said that they did not see who shined the laser from the SUV. They also don’t know if the laser was attached to a gun, but they believed it was. A Pacers security guard in the loading area at the time remarked: “That’s 100 percent a gun.”
“We felt we were in grave danger,” one person who was present said. The two sources who spoke to The Athletic requested anonymity because they fear retribution from those who confronted them. They said they considered filing a report with police but decided against it for the same reason.
During the Jan. 29 game, several Pacers and Grizzlies team members verbally sparred and Morant’s father, Tee, and one of Morant’s longtime friends, Davonte Pack, also directed comments at Pacers players.
After the game, the Pacers players, coaches and support staff entered the loading area to board a team bus. About 30 to 40 yards away from the bus were two parked cars. Pack and four to five other men emerged from the cars, walked to within 30 feet of the Pacers group and began shouting at them.
According to the sources, the remarks directed at them by Pack and others included: “Come get some of this” and “you don’t know how we roll” and “I’ll show you what I got.” Some Pacers players and others yelled back at them, according to the two people present. Pacers, NBA and arena security got between the two groups.
Looks like Will Ferrell’s “Everyone Love Everyone” mantra allegedly got lost in translation for Morant and his entourage. The NBA conducted an investigation and found no corroborating evidence that “any individual threatened others with a weapon.” OK then.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Do You Know How to Behave? Are You Sure? How to text, tip, ghost, host, and generally exist in polite society today
Nothing quite like an article that tells us how to act in public. There are way too many pieces of advice in this article, so I will only highlight a handful.
“6. Never wake up your significant other on purpose, ever.”
Hand up, I don’t have a significant other, but this logic, in my opinion, applies across the board for the most part. Unless you know the person has to wake up at a certain time for something, then no one should ever wake up another person just for shits and giggles. The people that are like, “Well, I’m up, so I’m gonna wake you up,” can step on a nail.
To round this one out, the above No. 6 featured the following tidbit: “Think someone is coming in to kill you? Work it out yourself.” This is crazy talk.
“11. When another human is present, don’t talk to your animal in the private voice you use when alone together.”
Agreed. People who talk to their pets (or any pet, for that matter) in some weird-ass, carton voice in front of friends/acquaintances make me squeamish. In front of family is acceptable, unless the pet sucks.
“37. Don’t feel bad about standing up in the aisle immediately upon the plane landing.”
This ain’t it, chief. If you suffer from an immediate onset of blood clots and need to stand up to shake things out, then sure, by all means. If not, sit your ass down until the few rows ahead of you are starting to shuffle their way to the exit.
“38. Always wink.”
Always? Sure, if you want to be the resident creep.
“40. Do not touch the small of my back to move around me at the bar if you’re ugly.”
Has the writer ever heard of the phrase, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder?” How are you supposed to know that you are ugly to the other person? That being said, if an ugly chick touches the small of my back, I will feel uncomfortable. The safest bet, for anyone that is blind to their own looks, is to touch the middle to upper back IMO.
“55. For group dinners with friends, always split the bill evenly.”
Hell no. A group dinner with friends should not turn into Bernie Sanders’ vision for America.
“110. Saw someone shoplifting? No, you didn’t.”
Correct. Snitches get stitches.
“122. Don’t ever message someone ‘k.’”
122 pieces of advice, and we have finally arrived at the best one.
“136. Read receipts are to be turned on only in cases of a medical emergency.”
Does the writer think he/she is an extra in Cast Away? Having read receipts turned on at all times is a power move.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
Loved your bath time reading, super funny!