🐻 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 79
Bear attack; Two coaches lose jobs; We're doomed ... eventually
Happy Monday, y’all!
Back in my youth, a neighborhood kid came to my front door one time to tell me that he learned how to ride a bike. Without the training wheels, of course.
I recently thought about what that kid-turned-adult is up to nowadays. If I found out he was a door-to-door salesman selling solar panels that masters at putting himself in awkward conversations, I would say he ought to be natural.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
New York Post: Principal startled after going face-to-face with a dumpster-diving bear
New spokesperson for adult Depends: James Marsh of Zela Elementary.
What is more traumatizing (beyond pooping your pants) — having to deal with little shits day in and day out for nine months as an elementary school principal OR opening up a dumpster and encountering a black bear, jack-in-the-box style. Let’s call it a draw.
Regardless, the sneak attack needs to be dissected. Most importantly, the dumpster was locked. So how did the bear get inside? Did the bear hop in there like it was a bunkbed and then not get startled when someone locked it after the bear was tucked in among the trash? Was the bear lured in there by someone with honey to ultimately set the principal up? That last one seems as crazy as, if not crazier than, going barefoot on the plane, but I guess it is possible.
Going forward, it is West Virginia after all, a state not exactly flush with financial literacy or literacy of any kind really, so hopefully they can cook up some improved locking mechanisms to prevent another Smokey the Bear sneak attack.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
COACH BUD FIRED
After an epic collapse in the first round of the 2023 NBA Playoffs, Mike Budenholzer was shown the door last week. (The Bucks were the first team since the 1968-69 Washington Bullets to finish the regular season with the most wins and win only zero or one playoff game.)
Outside of the 2021 title, which is nothing to scoff at by any means, Coach Bud was notorious for crapping the bed in the playoffs with the Bucks and failing to make the necessary adjustments, so the move was not a complete surprise in my opinion. Buddy Boy leaves Milwaukee as the franchise’s all-time leader in regular season win percentage (.693), and his playoff win percentage (.600) is second in team history behind Larry Costello (.617), who was the head coach from 1968 until 1976 and won the franchise’s first title in 1971.
Interestingly, among the past four NBA champions — the Golden State Warriors, Milwaukee Bucks, Toronto Raptors, and Los Angeles Lakers — only the Warriors still have their championship-winning head coach roaming the sidelines.
Is the Bucks’ championship window completely closed? Maybe not completely, but it is certainly shrinking. Brook Lopez, the 2022-23 runner-up Defensive Player of the Year, is a free agent and is 35. Khris Middleton, who only played in 33 games a season ago and turns 32 in August, has a $40-million player option for next year. His knees also may or may not be made of glass at this point. Jrue Holiday turns 33 next month. And the team isn’t exactly flush with salary cap space nor do they have a first-round selection in the 2023 NBA Draft.
Per ESPN’s Bobby Marks:
Including Middleton's $40.4 million player option, Milwaukee has $157 million in salary, $5 million below the luxury tax threshold. If Middleton opts in by the June 21 deadline and Lopez re-signs, the Bucks will be a tax team for a fourth straight season and will pay a significant penalty because of the repeater tax.
NBA PLAYOFFS UPDATE
The Sixers beat the Celtics in overtime in Game 4 to tie the series at two games apiece. James Harden, who scored the game-winning tre bomb with 19 seconds left Sunday, put up 45 and 42 points in Games 1 and 4, respectively, while he scored 12 points in Game 2 and 16 in Game 3 and shot a combined 18 percent from the field.
After dropping the first two games of the series, the Suns drew even with the Nuggets on Sunday behind 36 PTS, 11 REB, and 6 AST from Kevin Durant and 36 PTS, 12 AST, AND 6 REB from Devin Booker in the 129-124 victory. Jokic, who kind of looks like Dumbo and acted like him by pushing the Suns owner after a whistle, had an insane double-double — 53 PTS and 11 AST — in the loss. In fact, he was the first center in league history to record at least 50 PTS and 10 AST in a playoff game.
The Heat are up, 2-1, on the Knicks, with Game 4 tonight (Monday). Miami has a bunch of undrafted and second-round players (read: borderline bums) on their roster, yet it is two games away from the third trip to the conference finals in four seasons.
The Lakers are also up, 2-1, over the Warriors with Game 4 also tonight (Monday). Los Angeles spanked Golden State in Game 3. With Kerr as the head coach, the Warriors have made the conference finals every single time they have made the playoffs.
BAMA BASEBALL GAMBLING SCANDAL
Love me a good ole juicy sports scandal. The ~former~ University of Alabama head baseball coach Brad Bohannon, who was at the helm since 2017, was in the wrong place at the wrong time as he was linked to suspicious gambling activity in connection with the Crimson Tide’s game against LSU late last month.
Sportsbook surveillance video indicated that the person who placed the bets was communicating with Bohannon at the time, multiple sources with direct information about the investigation told ESPN.
The alleged suspicious activity took place Friday at the sportsbook at the Great American Ball Park, according to the Ohio Casino Control Commission.
The OCCC's investigation is centered on two bets on the Tigers to win from the same unidentified customer, multiple industry sources told ESPN. A source familiar with the investigation told ESPN's Pete Thamel that there's "no reason to believe any student-athletes are involved."
Alabama's scheduled starting pitcher, ace Luke Holman, was scratched before the LSU game because of back tightness and was replaced by sophomore Hagan Banks, who hadn't started since March 16. LSU won the game 8-6.
Based on the information that is out there, here’s the bottom line from my vantage point: EITHER Bohannon directly profited from the bet that the person, a former high school baseball coach, placed with insider information in hand OR he simply tipped off that person about a new starting pitcher merely hours before the game got underway.
Altogether, it is astounding how moronic people act when they are committing something that is going to get them in big trouble. Talking with the guy on the phone while he is at the sportsbook?! If I have said it once, I’ve said it a million times: you always have to have a fall guy.
Hypothetical conversation
“Hey, Brad. About to place a substantial wager on your game against the Tigers. What’s the inside scoop?”
“Well, my stud pitcher is hurt, and the new guy that I’m about to replace him with, which I haven’t told anyone but you and my coaches, hasn’t started since mid-March.”
Hopefully, Home Depot is hiring.
2024 AND 2025 CFB PLAYOFF SCHEDULES RELEASED
The 2024 college football season will mark the start of a new era in the sport as the CFB playoff will expand from four teams to 12 teams. The suits released the playoff schedule for 2024 and 2025, and while I love that the first-round games will be on campuses, it is absolute hogwash that the quarterfinal games will not be on campuses. Instead, they will be hosted by the bowls. Gotdamn capitalism at its worst.
In addition, I would love for the national title games to be on Saturday, but with the season extending this far into January, it does not make sense to compete with the NFL Playoffs on Saturday night.
2024 College Football Playoff schedule
First round (home sites)
Dec. 20, 2024 (Friday): One game
Dec. 21, 2024 (Saturday): Three games
Quarterfinals
Dec. 31, 2024: Fiesta Bowl
Jan. 1, 2025: Peach Bowl; Rose Bowl; Sugar Bowl
Semifinals
Jan. 9, 2025 (Thursday): Orange Bowl
Jan. 10, 2025 (Friday): Cotton Bowl
Championship
Jan. 20, 2025
2025 College Football Playoff schedule
First round (home sites)
Dec. 19, 2025 (Friday): One game
Dec. 20, 2025 (Saturday): Three games
Quarterfinals
Dec. 31, 2025: Cotton Bowl
Jan. 1, 2026: Orange Bowl; Rose Bowl; Sugar Bowl
Semifinals
Jan. 8, 2026 (Thursday): Fiesta Bowl
Jan. 9, 2026 (Friday): Peach Bowl
Championship
Jan. 19, 2026
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
In a First, Scientists Witness a Dying Star Swallowing a Planet
Astrology and that jazz ain’t my thing, but this whole situation seems pretty neat if you’re a science nerd.
For the first time ever, astronomers have witnessed a star swallowing up an entire planet. The stellar snack appeared as a burst of light that MIT astrophysicist Kishalay De spotted in 2020 as he looked at sky scans taken by the California Institute of Technology’s Palomar Observatory.
The research also provides a glimpse into our own planet’s eventual fate: Scientists estimate that, in about five billion years, our aging sun will also expand, swallowing the Earth, Mercury and Venus.
“We are seeing the future of the Earth,” De says in the statement. “If some other civilization was observing us from 10,000 light-years away while the sun was engulfing the Earth, they would see the sun suddenly brighten as it ejects some material, then form dust around it, before settling back to what it was.”
So, if the world is slowly, but surely, coming to an end, should you text that person that has been on your mind lately? Touch some grass first then reevaluate.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
Great article!!!