🏆 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 82
ALL THE SPORTZ
Happy Monday Tuesday, y’all!
I decided to go for a run on Sunday to get the juices and the blood flowin’. In the Texas heat at 11:00 AM. Why? Tough to pin down, I guess I woke up and chose violence. I paid the price for it because I was sweating more than the little piggies before they went to the market.
Programming Note: No bath this week! That’s a bizarre way of saying that this week’s volume will exclusively focus on sports because of what all happened in that world. That also means it will be a bit longer in length. “Extra Bubbles” and “Bath Time Reading” will be back in action next week.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
2023 NBA CHAMPIONS: THE DENVER NUGGETS
After the Miami Heat stole Game 2 in Denver, some thought that the Nuggets might f*ck around and find out. They did not — anything but — as they won three consecutive games to win the NBA Finals for the first time in team history. First appearance in the NBA Finals, first NBA title. That’s like someone having sexual intercourse for the first time and immediately getting pregnant (or impregnating someone). Bullseye! Everybody in the Mile High City is presumably cheechin’ and chongin’ in celebration.
The Heat punched the Nuggets in the mouth in the first half of Game 5, but Denver tightened down the hatches defensively in anticipation of an avalanche coming. Actually, neither team could hit water if they fell out of a boat, but I digress.
After the Heat went on an 8-0 run to take a one-point lead with a little over two minutes remaining, it appeared that the Nuggets were going to piss the game down the legs, but they got key contributions from some unsung players down the stretch, guaranteeing that their head coach, Mike Malone, will get fired in two years or so.
Nikola Jokic, the best basketball player in the world, took home MVP honors, the lowest draft pick to ever take home the award (41st overall). In the Game 5 victory, he finished with 28 PTS, 16 REB, and 4 AST in 42 minutes. For the series, he averaged 30.2 points, 14 rebounds, 7.2 assists, and 1.4 blocks per game on 58.3% FG/42.1% 3PT/83.8% FT splits. And, oh by the way, he became the first player in NBA history to lead the entire playoffs in total points, total rebounds, and total assists. A work of art. In his own words, “don’t bet against the fat boy.”
Speaking of white guys! Rookie role player and Kansas alum Christian Braun, who averaged 5.8 points in 16.2 minutes in the NBA Finals (including 15 points in 19 minutes in Game 3), became the fifth player to win the NCAA & NBA titles in back-to-back years.
The others: Bill Russell, San Francisco (1956) + Boston Celtics (1957); Henry Bibby, UCLA (1972) + New York Knicks (1973); Magic Johnson, Michigan State (1979) + Los Angeles Lakers (1980); and Billy Thompson, Louisville (1986) + Lakers (1987).
Owner Stan Kroenke has won four championships in the last two (!!) years — Nuggets, Los Angeles Rams, Colorado Avalanche, and Colorado Mammoth (lacrosse). And while he is worth a bajillon dollars, he did not understand the concept of speaking into the mic when being interviewed by ESPN’s Lisa Salters during the trophy presentation. We’re in the trust tree, right? Ok good, because I thought we were going to have another Suzy Kolber-Joe Namath incident for a second there.
For as well as Jimmy Butler played throughout the 2023 playoffs, he looked beaten and battered in Game 5 (5/18 from the field). He also committed a critical turnover in one of the Heat’s last possessions and took an ill-advised three in the closing seconds. Better luck next year, buddy! Nevertheless, an improbable run to the Finals for Miami — from the play-in game to winning one more game against the Nuggets than LeBron James did.
What’s on tap next for the NBA? The announcement of Ja Morant’s suspension!
OKLAHOMA SOFTBALL IS A WAGON
Let’s stick with the championship theme, shall we? The Oklahoma Softball squad won the Women’s College World Series, the program’s third-straight title. The Sooners became only the second team ever in the history of the sport to win three consecutive titles (UCLA, 1988-90). They have now won 53 games in a row, but what sucks for them is that they have to live in Oklahoma. I’m not afraid to humble them.
FRENCH OPEN
Novak Djokovic won the French Open in straight sets, his 23rd Grand Slam men’s singles title. In the process, he leapfrogged Rafael Nadal atop the leaderboard for the most Grand Slam men’s singles titles in the history of the sport.
However, it is important to keep in mind that Nadal did not play in the Grand Slam, a tournament that he has historically dominated (14 titles), due to an injury, and Carlos Alcaraz suffered cramps in the semifinals against Djokovic. So, unfortunately, it was a Micky Mouse tournament. #TeamFed.
STANLEY CUP FINALS
Another ~possible~ championship … I’m publishing this before Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, so either the Las Vegas Knights will take home Lord Stanley, or the Florida Panthers will force their way to Game 6.
If the Knights win, they would join an exclusive club of expansion teams that have won a title pretty quickly after being incorporated (Cleveland Browns, first season; Milwaukee Bucks, third season; Arizona Diamondbacks, fourth season; Miami Marlins, fifth season; Philadelphia Flyers, seventh season). The Knights joined the NHL in 2017.
LATEST EXAMPLES OF PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES ACTIN’ SILLY
Let’s start with Indianapolis Colts cornerback Isiah Rodgers, who was slated to be one of the team’s starting cornerbacks until he allegedly placed 100 bets — most of which were between $25 and $50 but there was one “low four-figure bet” — under the name of an “associate.” Some of the bets were placed on Colts games. Can’t teach stupid, folks.
I do appreciate that he utilized a fall guy, but in a situation like this, your fall guy has to have a fall guy who also has a fall guy. In other words, it would have been much better to create more degrees of separation. Hopefully, he’ll do better next time.
However, he did not follow the “go big or go home” mantra. Sad, really. As someone who made ~$2.5 million on the field through his first three years, wagering between $25 and $50 on most of the 100 bets screams poor. Again, hopefully, he’ll do better next time.
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Zion Williamson: Fat, injured, and dumb! The Duke product — coached by a man in college that only cares about basketball and clearly does not teach life skills — got a woman pregnant. Congrats to them, but that’s not the story here. The story here is that Zion is like the neighborhood bike, everyone gets a ride apparently.
Not only did he impregnate a female, but he may or may not have been sleeping with two other young ladies as well. Those two young ladies — an Instagram influencer and a porn star (classic Gen Z choices) — came forward and put Zion on blast.
Instagram influencer: “I never gave u a 3 some or never had a OnlyFans or was on Pornhub so I guess I was all play I probably never had a chance u nasty ass sex addict.”
The porn star: “I was with you last week in New Orleans and you couldn’t tell me you had a random thot pregnant after all I’ve done for you (@) Zionwilliamson.”
The porn star: “Better pray I’m not pregnant too because I’m definitely late (@) Zionwilliamson.”
The porn star: “You putting my life in danger f–king all these hoes raw.”
Wait for it — the porn star! “I let you spit in my mouth last week when we f–ked you could of told me you had another whore pregnant how was that gonna work moving us both to New Orleans you think I would have found out @ZionWilliamson.”
According to the New York Post, the porn star “also posted screenshots of an apparent Snapchat exchange with Williamson, one of which seemingly implied an offer to fund a move to New Orleans.”
One word to describe everything: Yikes. Zion needs to get in the gym (and also meet with a licensed professional counselor), if for no other reason than he has only played in roughly a third of his team’s games (114 out of a possible 308) since he entered the league in 2019.
SAUDI ARABIA STRIKES, AND MISSES, GOLD
Saudi Arabia offered international soccer superstar Lionel Messi a three-year, $1.6-billion deal to play for Al-Hilal. And buddy boy rejected it, instead opting to come over to the United States to play for Miami’s MLS team, Inter Miami.
Messi shouldn’t be crying poor while living in Miami, though. His deal is reportedly worth between $125 and $150 million and will also reportedly include profit-sharing agreements with Apple and Adidas (two MLS sponsors) as well as an equity stake in the team.
But when one door closes for those slimeballs, another one opens. And that door potentially leads to world domination of golf. Yeah, I’m burying the lede here.
The Saudi Arabia-backed golf league, LIV, announced a merger with the PGA Tour last week. Jay Monahan, the current PGA Tour commissioner, will still oversee the golf side of things, but Yasir Al-Rumayyan, the governor of Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund (PIF) and chairman of Aramco (big ole oil company), will be the chairman of the new PGA/LIV Golf entity. Plus, PIF, which has roughly $620 billion in assets (read: endless money), will be the new entity’s exclusive investor. So, you tell me who runs professional golf worldwide … Here’s a hint:
Quite the heel turn for Monahan. In an interview with Jim Nantz at last year’s Canadian Open, Monahan said the following. “As it relates to the families of 9/11, I have two families close to me that lost loved ones, so my heart goes out to them. I would ask any player that has left or would consider leaving, ‘Have you ever had to apologize for being a member of the PGA Tour?’”
The golfers invited to join LIV but decided against it are going to have to apologize to their families for bypassing an ungodly amount of money. (For example, Tiger Woods was offered $800 million; Rory McIlroy was offered $500 million; Hideki Matsuyama was offered $300 million; and Will Zalatoris was offered $130 million, according to Front Office Sports.)
Lucky for them, Jimmy Dunne — the man that essentially brokered the merger — told ESPN that the golfers that stayed “would receive equity shares in the new for-profit enterprise.”
The players who left for the LIV Golf League, according to Dunne, would not be able to participate in the new company's equity plan.
If the LIV Golf League folds, Dunne said a committee that includes current PGA Tour members and administrators would determine potential punishment for players who left for it but want to apply for reinstatement to the PGA Tour.
Quite the heel turn for Dunne as well.
Dunne, an independent director on the PGA Tour's policy board, was one of the founders of Sandler O'Neill and Partners, an investment banking firm that lost 40% of its employees when hijackers crashed a plane into the south tower of the World Trade Center in the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. All but four of the 19 hijackers on Sept. 11 were Saudi citizens, and the Saudi kingdom was the birthplace of Osama bin Laden, the head of al-Qaeda and mastermind of the attack.
Dunne would have been in the south tower that day if he hadn't been on the back nine of his Wall Street career. Instead of going to work, Dunne was trying to qualify for the U.S. Mid-Amateur at Bedford Golf and Tennis Club, about 40 miles north of Manhattan. … Of the 171 Sandler O'Neill employees who worked on the 104th floor of the south tower, 66 died that morning, including two of Dunne's partners: his best friend, Chris Quackenbush, and his mentor, Herman Sandler.
Dunne raised eyebrows last week when he told the Golf Channel that he is convinced the Saudis he dealt with weren't involved in the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. "I am quite certain -- and I have had conversations with a lot of very knowledgeable people -- that the people I'm dealing with had nothing to do with it," he said. "If someone can find someone who unequivocally was involved with it, I'll kill them myself."
There are rumblings that the government could block the merger. On what grounds, you ask? I would guess on the grounds of 9/11. OK in my book.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz