⚰️ Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 83
Worst dad/friend of the Year; Sportz; First Amendment
Happy Monday, y’all!
I have been lucky enough to be a groomsman on a few different occasions, all of which were great experiences. And because of the vibes and laughs I provide, I would say, humbly of course, that I was a good addition to the groom’s lineup.
I don’t think Ahmad Rashad, the former NBA sportscaster, can say the same about his groomsmen. His groomsmen were OJ Simpson and Bill Cosby.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Father fakes his own death to teach family a lesson — then shows up at funeral in helicopter
Narcissism at its peak! You have to be so gotdamn insecure to fake your own death because you “felt underappreciated. That’s why I wanted to give them a life lesson and show them that you shouldn’t wait until someone is dead to meet up with them.”
The dude is on TikTok, with 165,000 followers, so the real reason why he might have done it is for the internet clout. And that’s why you always leave a note.
All that aside, did the man get an ego boost when he showed up at his own funeral and saw that many people celebrating him? You betcha.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Copyright infringement is an expensive endeavor, so I’m going to post pictures like the above going forward. In the words of Jeb Bush, please clap.
US Open Champion Crowned
Wyndham Clark, the 31st-ranked player in the world who had to have been conceived in a hotel room (RIP to his mother 🙏), secured his second-ever PGA Tour victory on Sunday, shooting even-par 70 in the final round and 10-under for the tournament, to win the US Open over Rory McIlroy.
Clark was 100-to-1 to win it all prior to the start of our country’s championship and became the first Colorado-born player to win the US Open.
The 2023 US Open was Clark’s seventh appearance in a major. He missed the cut in four of his last six majors, including the last two US Open tournaments. His best major finishes before Sunday’s victory? Tied for 75th at the 2021 PGA Championship and tied for 76th at the 2022 Open Championship.
He earned $19,050 for his 2021 PGA Championship finish and $31,450 for his 2022 Open Championship finish. He’ll walk away with $3.6 million for his 2023 US Open finish.
McIlroy’s second-place finish was his third in a major (2018 Open Championship, 2022 Masters, 2023 US Open). If buddy boy would have putted better on Sunday — he did not make a single putt over eight feet and had an average of two putts per hole, per ESPN — he would have hoisted the trophy and secured his first major since the 2014 PGA Championship. Too bad, so sad.
The environment at golf tournaments can be a snooze fest occasionally, but the environment at major championships usually gets a bit rowdy. Not as rowdy as a college darty (as the college kids say nowadays), but there’s a buzz in the air. It butters the biscuits.
For the better part of the weekend, there was no buttering of the biscuits at the Los Angeles Country Club (LACC) for this year’s US Open. Why? Golf Digest outlined the reasons.
The LACC landscape. It is small; therefore, the daily attendance figure has been 23k. At last year’s US Open, the daily attendance figure was 30k.
The ticket allotment. Roughly 14k of the 23k tickets went to the rich snob corporate shells for suites and hospitality tents, leaving only — wait for it — 9k for the general public. And among the 9k, 4k tickets went to LACC members, leaving only 5k tickets for the golf die-hards that are not LACC members. That is a sports war crime.
Traveling in and around LA sucks donkey you-know-what.
The LACC will host the US Open again in 2039.
Michigan State Education Will Only Take One So Far
When Mat Ishbia, a former walk-on player on the Michigan State basketball team under Tom Izzo, bought the Phoenix Suns, he made a big ole splash by acquiring superstar Kevin Durant at the trade deadline for practically all of the team’s future assets. The Suns lost in the second round of the playoffs.
So, what did Ishbia and President of Basketball Operations James Jones do? They doubled down and acquired Bradley Beal, Jordan Goodwin, and Isaiah Todd from the Washington Wizards for Chris Paul, Landry Shamet, some second-round picks, and multiple pick swaps. Washington will reportedly work with Paul to reroute him to another team; the Clippers are the frontrunners, according to Chris Haynes of TNT/Bleacher Report.
The Wizards, league sources told The Athletic, had offers from Phoenix, Miami and Milwaukee but they — and Beal — ultimately chose the Suns.
Ultimately, Beal picked the Suns over multiple other trade scenarios, including Miami, Milwaukee and Sacramento, sources said. The Wizards entered serious negotiations with the Suns and Heat on Saturday, as The Athletic reported, and that’s when the Bucks re-entered the picture. Milwaukee officials spoke with Beal on Saturday to pitch him on the Bucks, league sources said.
First off, why did the Wizards get so little in return? Because the Wizards are a poorly run franchise, or at least they used to be. The team included a no-trade clause in Beal’s 2022 supermax deal (5 years, $251 million), meaning that Beal could veto any trade and therefore had all of the leverage.
Moreover, Washington is in rebuild mode, and the team’s new general manager seemed eager to get away from Beal’s expensive contract that includes a ~$57 million player option for the 2026-27 season. The end result? Pennies on the dollar in return.
It is funny, maybe even suspicious, that Beal’s agent, Mark Bartelstein, is the dad of the Suns’ CEO, Josh Bartelstein. Quite a Father’s Day for them!
From the Suns’ perspective, they have a star-studded starting lineup, but their bench will likely consist of members of the Toons squad for the foreseeable future. They are projected to be a second apron team (second apron = $17.5 million over the luxury tax line) for at least the next three seasons, per ESPN’s Bobby Marks.
Being a second apron team under the new CBA is no bueno because it severely handicaps the team in how they build out their roster beyond their star players. And to make matters worse, as Marks pointed out, the Nets own the Suns’ first-round picks in 2023, 2025, 2027, and 2029.
In a way, the new CBA aimed to curb NBA franchises from assembling super teams. The Suns apparently either did not get the memo or do not give a flying f*ck. We’ll see how it plays out for ‘em.
Two final notes: Beal has averaged 23.2 points per game in each of the last two seasons, but he has missed 74 total games over that stretch. And Durant hasn’t played even close to a full season since the 2018-19 campaign when he appeared in 78 games.
Bob Huggins Steps Down
Oh, Huggie Bear. Roughly a month after he used an anti-gay slur on a radio program that was directed toward Xavier fans, West Virginia head men’s basketball coach Bob Huggins was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence on Friday. It was his second DUI.
His BAC was 0.21 (that is nearing wet-the-bed level intoxication), his car was littered with empty beer cans, and he thought he was in Columbus, Ohio. The arrest occurred at 8:30 PM local time in Pittsburgh, PA, after his SUV stopped in the middle of the road. The driver’s-side door was ajar and one of the vehicle’s tires was shredded.
Huggins submitted his resignation letter on Saturday. Tough look all around for the sport’s third-winningest coach (935 career wins), and it is sad that Huggins is going out this way. Hopefully, he gets the help he needs.
Ja Morant Suspended 25 Games
Will Ja Morant learn from this suspension, which will cost him roughly $7.5 million? Probably not because it’s a slap on the wrist. I previously wrote that I expected the NBA to suspend Morant for at least 40 games. Hand up (with no gun), I missed the mark.
Michael Jordan Sells Majority Stake in Hornets
Michael Jordan is, at a minimum, the second-best basketball player of all time. People who know ball rightfully consider MJ the 🐐.
Regardless, he is now in the conversation as one of the best businessmen, if not the best, that played in the NBA after he sold his majority stake in the Charlotte Hornets at a valuation of $3 billion, though he’ll still be around the team and will keep a minority stake. The ~alleged~ gambling addict paid $275 million for a majority stake in the team in 2010.
While Jordan amassed six NBA titles as a player, he won so little as an owner that one would have thought the games were rigged against him. His 423-600 record in 13 seasons as the majority owner was the fourth-worst record over that span. The Hornets made the playoffs twice and never advanced past the first round.
Shohei Ohtani is a Wizard
Before Shohei Ohtani signed with the Angels, there were a lot of people that compared him to Babe Ruth, almost exclusively because he could pitch and bat at a high level.
Five years later, he might be better than Babe Ruth as he leads the Angels — mind you, a team with Mike Trout as well — in the following categories this season (h/t Ben Fawkes): runs, hits, home runs, batting average, OPS, RBIs, stolen bases, runs created, earned run average, wins, strikeouts (as a pitcher), and batting average allowed.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
This week’s volume is running long, so I’ll keep this section somewhat brief. I’m not saying any of my educated readers need a refresher on the First Amendment, but it seems like a lot of Americans need a refresher on the First Amendment.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
Hate speech and yelling “fire” in a theater, contrary to popular belief, are generally protected by the First Amendment.
By virtue of the Fourteenth Amendment, the First Amendment's constitutional right of free speech and intellectual freedom also applies to state and local governments. Government agencies and government officials are forbidden from regulating or restricting speech or other expression based on its content or viewpoint.
Criticism of the government, political dissatisfaction, and advocacy of unpopular ideas that people may find distasteful or against public policy are nearly always protected by the First Amendment.
Only that expression that is shown to belong to a few narrow categories of speech is not protected by the First Amendment. The categories of unprotected speech include obscenity, child pornography, defamatory speech, false advertising, true threats, and fighting words. Deciding what is and is not protected speech is reserved to courts of law.
The First Amendment only prevents government restrictions on speech. It does not prevent restrictions on speech imposed by private individuals or businesses.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz