🚢 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 84
Battle of the nerds; NBA Draft + CWS Recap, Women's Bowling Cheating Scandal; Titanic strikes again
Happy Monday, y’all!
I am gearing up to reveal the Tubz Unfiltered Dumb-Dumb Hall of Fame, set to debut at some point this summer. Comment below or reply to this email with your submission(s).
On an unrelated note, if you don’t think Christian Yelich is BACK, you have a big dump in your pants. Respectfully, as always.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
USA Today: Billionaire brawl? Techies suit up! Elon Musk tweet challenges Mark Zuckerberg to a fight
I don’t know which programming I would rather watch: (a) the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest, with disgusting faces fully on display as participants inject themselves with as much salt as is needed to help soothe icy roads, or (b) nerds Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk engage in hand-to-hand combat.
For purposes of this week’s Volume, I’ll choose the latter. So who would win if this sissy octagon bout goes through? It’s hard not to pick Musk because of the size advantage. Looking at online pictures — I have 20/20 vision for what it’s worth — I thought Tesla boy was extra thicc. Reports do not confirm that. He is reportedly 6-foot-1 and weighs between 185 and 200 pounds. Meanwhile, the soft-spoken, destroyer of the free world stands at 5-foot-7 and reportedly weighs 155 pounds.
Yes, Zuckerberg does jiu-jitsu, reportedly earning gold and silver medals in a recent tournament, but I feel like those results are akin to Putin scoring seven goals in a local hockey game. In other words, Zuckerberg probably had a lot of influence over said tournament and the results. In that same tournament I believe, it appears that Zuck went night-night in a match as a result of a chokehold, but of course, the Facebook stealer “immediately did a full-court press to deny this happened and deployed not just his press people but his jiu-jitsu coach—an absolute killer, by the way—Dave Camarillo.”
At the end of the day, does Zuck have a move known as the Walrus, as Musk does? No, no he does not.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
MEN’S COLLEGE WORLD SERIES FINAL
The LSU Tigers came into the finals like a bat outta hell, fresh off a two-run walk-off homer by Tommy “Tanks” White in the bottom of the 11th inning against Wake Forest. They carried that momentum into Game 1, as White hit a game-tying home run in the top of the eighth inning against the Florida Gators and Cade Beloso, a Louisiana native who could be 22 years old or 42 years old, hit a bomb in the top of the 11th inning to clinch a 4-3 victory.
But then, in Game 2, Florida pulled a page out of Will Ferrell’s playbook in The Other Guys and pronounced that “Gator Don’t Play No Shit.” The Gators scored an MCWS-record 24 runs on an MCWS record-tying 23 hits.
LSU avenged its Game 2 loss, though, violating the Gators by a score of 18-4, and put their d*cks on the table to capture the program’s seventh national championship and first since 2009. The Tigers finished with 24 hits in the win, an MCWS record. An SEC team has won the MCWS the last four years and five of the last six.
NBA DRAFT
Gradey Dick, drafted by the Toronto Raptors with the 13th overall pick, stole the show with his bright red bedazzled suit. He looked like he was preparing to work in tandem with Chazz Michael Michaels on the rink. But I have to give credit where credit is due — While he looked like a fool, it was a stealthy marketing move.
Amen Thompson and Ausar Thompson, brothers from the same mother that played in the Overtime Elite last season, were drafted 4th and 5th overall, respectively. They became the first brothers to be drafted in the top 10 in the same draft.
ANGELS-ROCKIES SLUGFEST
Didn’t think I was going to highlight baseball this much in one volume, did you? Regular season baseball games are a bit of a snore fest, except when there are runs galore. And that was the case on Saturday night between the Angels and the Rockies at Coors Field as the Angels beat the Rockies, 25-1, like they just emerged from a long stay in the clink and wanted to do hood rat things with their friends.
LAA scored 23 runs through the first four innings — 2 in the second inning, 13 in the third inning, and 8 in the fourth inning — and became the first team in the modern era to score at least 20 runs across two innings. The team’s 23 runs in the first four innings of an MLB game are now in third place in the record books, trailing the Pittsburgh Pirates (24 runs; June 6, 1894) and the Chicago Cubs (25 runs; August 25, 1922).
Not only did the Angels curb stomp Colorado, but they also stole the Rockies’ lunch money after the game, acquiring COL 3B Mike Moustakas for a minor leaguer.
However, while the Angels might have won the battle, they did not win the war (read: the series).
CHEATING SCANDAL IN COLLEGE BOWLING
Papa Bear, the now-former assistant coach for Stephen F. Austin women’s bowling team, was fed up with his wife, the head coach, because she was not putting respect on his name, so he cheated on her with one of the bowlers. That’s the long and short of it. The best part, by a Texas country mile, was when he opened his mouth to The Lufkin Daily News. (Hall-of-Fame title, by the way.)
He took a page out of Constanza’s playbook and was essentially like, “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?”
I knew it was kind of a no-no, but there’s not a rule saying it can’t happen. There’s not a law saying I’m going to go to jail for doing something like this. There’s nothing in stone. I guess it’s just an ethics code, like we frown upon it, but there’s no rule, there’s no law broken.
I was the stay-at-home dad for five years with the kids while Amber got to go off and coach the team, and when she’d get back, I’d run practices on top of taking care of the kids while she was back. When they’d travel again, I would sit back and take care of the kids. Then when I got hired on, she almost forced me to run practices. I was a volunteer the entire time before that trying to help out Amber. Once I got hired on, one thing stemmed from another. I felt like I was doing too much for what I was being valued at.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
A SUBMARINE’S UNSUCCESSFUL JOURNEY TO VISIT THE TITANIC
Would you pay $250,000 to go in a sketchy submarine that only opens from the outside and includes a part bought from Camping World in order to visit the remains of the Titanic over two miles below the surface of the ocean? Let’s hope not, because if you were on this particular OceanGate submarine, you would be swimming with the fishies sadly.
Suleman, so damn young, reportedly “informed a relative that he ‘wasn't very up for it’ and felt ‘terrified’ about the trip to explore the wreckage of the Titanic,” as his aunt told NBC News. However, he obliged “because the trip fell over Father's Day weekend and he was eager to please his dad, who was passionate about the lore of the Titanic.” RIP to all.
There is no way on God’s green earth that this submarine should have ever gone on the trip. An OceanGate employee previously raised concerns about the submarine’s overall safety and quality and refused “to greenlight manned tests of the early models of the submersible over safety concerns.” That employee was terminated as a result in 2018.
Given the prevalent flaws in the previously tested 1/3 scale model, and the visible flaws in the carbon end samples for the Titan, Lochridge again stressed the potential danger to passengers of the Titan as the submersible reached extreme depths. The constant pressure cycling weakens existing flaws resulting in large tears of the carbon. Non-destructive testing was critical to detect such potentially existing flaws in order to ensure a solid and safe product for the safety of the passengers and crew.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz