🔫 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 85
New variation of Netflix and chill; Sportz; Recent Supreme Court decisions
Happy Monday, y’all!
I went to a local eatery over the weekend, which served ice cream. Nothing wrong with a little treat to get a dopamine hit. The flavors were inside the classic tubs, visible to patrons, rather than listed on an elevated board. Standard. But what was not standard was when one of the people in front of me asked for a sample of COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM. I damn near shit myself.
You can only ask for a sample of the flavor of the day or if the local eatery offers a unique concoction. That’s it. Oh, Double Brownie Chocolate Cake Thunder? One sample, please, don’t mind if I do. Acceptable.
But this person asked for a sample of cookie dough ice cream, which was not the flavor of the day nor is it a unique concoction. How often does that person get out of the house? Do they think that Kraft Mac and Cheese is a gourmet meal?
That person needs to touch some grass and needs to do so ASAP.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
'Come chill': Man robs Indiana woman at gunpoint, then asks her out on Facebook
“Netflix and chill?” Nah. What about “attempt to rob someone at gunpoint and then hit them up on Facebook to chill” instead? Not my personal cup of tea, but Indiana resident Damien Boyce thought it was worth a shot 😏. I suppose there are many ways to skin a cat.
"While pointing the firearm at (the victim), the male asked her to add him as a friend on Facebook so he could pay (the victim) back for the money he stole," the affidavit said. "The male then gave (the victim) the name of Damien Boyce."
Boyce pointed to his Facebook profile, asked the victim to add him as a friend, police said, and she complied.
According to court papers, Boyce accepted the friend request invite and sent messages to the woman.
'You was too pretty to rob,' she told WRTV one read messages read.
She also told the outlet she responded, “I believe you man. I can tell you’re sweet, times just get rough. I know that."
After that, she said, he sent her another message asking her to “come chill.”
The victim, police said, didn’t immediately call police about the robbery but after speaking with her boyfriend decided to report the incident.
Boyce has a fairly extensive rap sheet, but it appears he never tried to hit on someone while in the act of the crime. Maybe he was sick of the dating apps and was like, “f*ck it, I’m here, I’ve got nothing to lose,” or he is getting more delusional.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NBA FREE AGENCY
The start of the NBA free agency period is always a good time, if for no other reason than there are some contracts that make one react in the same way when they read that Hitler was named the TIME Person of the Year in 1938.
Jerami Grant, who averaged 20.5 PTS, 4.5 REB, and 2.4 AST in 63 games last season, agreed to a five-year, $160-million deal with the Portland Trail Blazers. While Grant played in 71 out of a possible 73 games in 2019-20, he played in 54 games, 47 games, and 63 games in each of the past three seasons.
Dillon Brooks, a massive pain in the ass for the Memphis Grizzlies at times last season (which is really saying something when Gun Boy is on the team), agreed to a four-year, $80-million deal with the Houston Rockets. Maybe he’ll use those funds to upgrade his look-at-me, trash-ass wardrobe.
The Dallas Mavericks, competing against absolutely no one in the pursuit of Kyrie Irving, shelled out a three-year, $126-million deal to the Flat Earther.
Jakob Poeltl, a big man that put up modest numbers last season (12.5 PTS and 9.1 REB), inked a four-year deal worth $80 million with the Toronto Raptors.
Bruce Brown played very well in the NBA Finals and throughout the playoffs, but his new contract with the Indiana Pacers — two years for $45 million, with the second year being a team option — made me question whether I can actually read.
Last but not least, Fred VanVleet and his kids (and their kids, possibly) are set for life after the former undrafted player agreed to a three-year, $130-million deal with the Houston Rockets. I spit out my coffee when I initially read those details and I wasn’t even drinking any coffee.
In total, either through free-agent deals or extensions from their current teams, ten players received a contract worth at least $100 million in total value. Bananas.
Get caught up on all of the free agent signings here.
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The Milwaukee Bucks are keeping the band together as they agreed to new deals with Khris Middleton (three years, $102 million, with a player option for the third year) and Brook Lopez (two years, $48 million). No hometown discounts for those two!
Lopez is 35 and I’m convinced that Middleton’s knees are cooked, but hopefully, the squad has one more championship run in them.
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Finally, it wouldn’t be a true NBA offseason without a star player demanding a trade. Trail Blazers star point guard Damian Lillard requested a trade out of Portland over the weekend, and I can’t necessarily blame him. Portland, as a city, is a sewer.
His preferred destination is reportedly Miami. However, unlike Bradley Beal’s contract, Lillard’s contract does not include a no-trade clause, so the Trail Blazers can tell Lillard to shove it if they so choose and trade him to a team that can offer the best assets in return.
MORE NFL SUSPENSIONS BECAUSE OF GAMBLING
Can’t teach stupid, ladies and gentlemen. Four more players — Isaiah Rodgers (Colts), Rashod Berry (Colts), Demetrius Taylor (free agent), and Nicholas Petit-Frere (Titans) — were suspended after violating the NFL’s gambling policy. The first three players were suspended indefinitely, while Petit-Frere was suspended six games “for betting on other sports at the workplace.” The Colts promptly showed Rodgers and Berry the unemployment door.
Rodgers stands out because he placed one thousand smackeroos on a Colts running back’s over/under rushing yards for a particular game, which hit. If he bet the under, not only is he still a dumb-dumb, but he’s a sh*tty teammate. If he bet the over, he’s a great teammate, but again, still a dumb-dumb.
He is now a candidate for the inaugural Tubz Unfiltered Dumb-Dumb Hall of Fame, so at least he’s got that going for him.
ESPN GUTTED
The World Wide Leader in Sports may not be so for much longer after the Mickey Mouse-owned company laid off 20 noteworthy on-air employees last week, including but not limited to Jeff Van Gundy, Suzy Kolber, Keyshawn Johnson, Max Kellerman, Todd McShay, Jalen Rose, David Pollack, Matt Hasselback, and Steve Young.
In the background of this dumpster fire is the fact that ESPN recently signed Pat McAfee to a five-year deal reportedly worth roughly $85 million, according to New York Post sports media reporter Andrew Marchand. McAfee acknowledged as much on Twitter.
He tweeted, in part, that “We’re very pumped to be joining ESPN and our goal is that “Mass exits” are never a thing again.. we hope to help that.. obviously that’s a lofty goal but, that’s how I truly look at life...”
It’s frankly going to be an uphill climb for McAfee to prevent future layoffs at ESPN.
The network was in about 100 million homes a decade ago, and now it’s in around 70-75 million; each home in the cable and satellite bundle pays over $10 a month for ESPN and ESPN2, regardless of whether anyone in the household watches ESPN.
Back-of-the-envelope math reveals this loss of subscribers adds up to several billion dollars in less revenue per year.
IS SAUDI ARABIA ABOUT TO DROP BIG OLE BAGS FOR SOME COLLEGE FOOTBALL PROGRAMS?
Who the hell knows, but one industry source told The Athletic that “I’d say close to 50 percent of schools and athletic department leaders would navigate their way to yes. If you’d asked me before the LIV/PGA Tour came together, I would have said less than 10 percent. Because even the most aggressive and thoughtful athletic directors, everyone is afraid to go first when it comes to the PIF and their involvement in American sports. And the PGA just went first.”
An athletic director, when asked whether Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund could become the next big booster for an athletic department, said: “That’s a great question. We’d make a lot of money.” Love the honesty.
Another athletic director, when asked whether PIF could fork over money to a collective, said: “One-hundred million is a rounding error to the PIF. If you invest $20 million into a collective to help an institution buy or retain talent in football, that’s nothing to them.” That is a true statement.
Look, if PIF offered a boatload of money to UW and/or the Varsity Collective to transition the football program to an elite football program that will legitimately compete for national titles for years to come, I am fully on board with either of those entities accepting the money.
I’ll learn Arabic and proclaim that the Saudi Arabians are misunderstood by the general public, while also saying with my eyes closed that 9/11 was an inside job, if it meant that the Badgers win a national title in football.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Three noteworthy Supreme Courts decisions were handed down last week.
The Court held that affirmative action in college admissions is unconstitutional under the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment. In other words, universities and colleges cannot consider race in a student’s application.
Nine states already had something like this in place, banning “race-conscious admissions, mainly as a result of voter initiatives,” according to the Wall Street Journal.
The Court held that the Secretary of Education does not have the “authority under the Higher Education Relief Opportunities for Students Act of 2003 (HEROES Act) to depart from the existing provisions of the Education Act and establish a student loan forgiveness program that will cancel about $430 billion in debt principal and affect nearly all borrowers.”
The Secretary can “waive or modify” provisions related to financial assistance programs under the Education Act, but he or she cannot go fully nuclear by canceling $430 billion in student loans. So, it looks like I will not have $10k wiped away from my student loan debt. Bummer!
The Court held that the “First Amendment prohibits Colorado from forcing a website designer to create expressive designs speaking messages with which the designer disagrees.”
Lori Smith designs wedding websites for future married couples, but she did not want to offer her services to homosexuals engaged to get married because she believes marriage should only be between a man and a woman. The Court said, no problem!
If you’re a ~passionate~ conservative, you likely thought those three decisions were the cat’s pajamas (read: well decided). If you’re a ~passionate~ liberal, you likely thought those three decisions were all crocks of sh*t. And if you’re in the middle, your opinions were perhaps a mixed bag.
Politics in the U-S-of-A, baby! 🇺🇸
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz