💩 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 95
Person makes horrible decision; Football recap; Google antitrust trial
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I have been walking a lot recently. Forest Gump level. To that end, having someone walk past you while you are walking might be one of the most emasculating things on the planet. Spain, but the s is silent.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Woman rescued from outhouse toilet after climbing in to retrieve Apple Watch, Michigan police say
I’m not trying to money shame anyone, especially in this economy. It ain’t easy nowadays. Layoffs are happening. The McChicken is almost $4. However, I don’t care if the Great Depression 2.0 was right around the corner, forcing me to pawn off my Apple watch to pay for groceries: there is no chance on God’s green earth that I would climb into an outhouse toilet to save my Apple watch, or any possession for that matter.
Wallet slipped through the cracks and is now swimming in shit? Let’s get me a new identity and new credit cards altogether. Oh, shoot, I caught a case of butter fingers and dropped my phone down there? The iPhone 15 just came out, perfecto. Hell, I would even use some outdated Nokia that made people believe I was a drug dealer/about to do a ridicilously illegal activity before I would retrieve my phone out of an outhouse toilet.
The car ride home must have been something else.
This woman, a certified Tubz Unfiltered dumb-dumb.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
CFB WEEK 4 RECAP
OREGON 42 Colorado 6: This wasn’t a school teacher slapping kids on the wrist with a ruler; this was felony assault. Colorado’s players talked some serious trash talk on the field prior to kickoff, and the Ducks shut them up real quick as they raced out to a 35-0 halftime lead. At one point in the first half, Oregon outgained 378 to 23. It did whatever it wanted, when it wanted, and made Colorado look like a JV team in the process. QB Bo Nix finished the first half 19-of-21 for 173 yards and three touchdowns (one INT). Next up for Colorado: USC.
FLORIDA STATE 31 Clemson 24 (OT): Early on, it looked like Dabo Swinney and his Clemson squad were back on track in their quest to be nationally relevant, up 17-7 in the second quarter as an underdog at home for the first time since the 2016 season. The train slowly but surely crashed and burned. A Florida State defender absolutely smoked, and I mean smoked, QB Cade Klubnik in the third quarter, which forced a fumble that FSU scooped up and went the other way for six to tie the game at 24.
Late in the game, Clemson got cute and did a trick play of sorts on second down, which went nowhere. Two plays later, they lined up for a 29-yard field goal that would have given them the lead, but the kicker, who was not on the roster a week prior, missed it. Classic case of a college kicker pissing down his leg.
FSU QB Jordan Travis connected with WR Keon Coleman on the second play of overtime to take the lead. Clemson gained nine yards on a second-down run play to bring up a third-and-one, so what did the Tigers draw up? A wide receiver screen pass. Idiots. They failed on fourth down, snapping the Seminoles’ seven-game losing streak to Clemson.
OHIO STATE 17 Notre Dame 14: I didn’t watch this game because I was preoccupied, so I’ll keep it short and sweet: the Buckeyes scored on a one-yard rush to win the game as time expired. The Fighting Irish only had ten defenders on the field on that play. There are supposed to be 11 players on offense and 11 on defense. If I was a Notre Dame fan, I would have had to go to an all-day Sunday mass to atone for all of the sins I committed after the clock showed triple zeros. Notre Dame’s legendary tongue-tied head coach Lou Holtz said prior to the game that Ohio State was not a physical football team, prompting OSU HC Ryan Day to go scorched earth after the game.
RELEGATION IN CFB?
You have likely heard about relegation, a concept employed by European soccer leagues. Well, could it make its way to American sports, specifically college football? It is an option, however feasible, for the Pac-2 and the Moutain West Conference, two conferences that would form a partnership to make it happen. You can read more here.
NFL WEEK 3 RECAP
PACKERS 18 Saints 17: You can check out my takeaways from the epic comeback here.
DOLPHINS 70 Broncos 20: Broncos Country, let’s ride … off a cliff because y’all suck! Broncos Country, let’s cry .. because, again, y’all suck!
HC Sean Payton said over the summer that the job that former Broncos HC Nathaniel Hackett did last year was “one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL.” Those comments have not aged well in the context of Sunday’s result as Denver now sits 0-3.
Tua was throwing no-look passes and playing on Rookie mode en route to a near perfect passer rating of 155.8 (23/26, 309 yards, 4 touchdowns), while Vape Boy — a/k/a Dolphins HC Mike McDaniel — was scheming guys wide open, as if he was Moses parting the Red Sea. Oh, and rookie running back De’Von Achane and running back Raheem Mostert combined for 31 carries for 285 yards and five touchdowns. All told, the Dolphins’ 70 points were tied for the second-most points in an NFL game by a single team.
The Dolphins are the first team in NFL history to record five passing touchdowns and five rushing touchdowns in the same game, and the second team in history to record more than 700 yards of offense since the Rams did so in 1951. They are also the first team in history to score 70 points with 700 yards of offense, and the second to record 300 rushing yards and 300 passing yards, according to ESPN Stats & Information research.
STEELERS 23 Raiders 18: Raiders WR Davante Adams put the team on his back to the tune of 13 receptions for 172 yards and two touchdowns, but that performance was still not enough to secure the victory because his head coach plays with blocks. On fourth-and-five with just over three minutes left, with the Raiders trailing 23-15, McDaniels opted to kick a field from Pittsburgh’s 29. A questionable decision that was saved by a penalty on Pittsburgh during the kick, giving the Raiders a first down.
Fast forward to later in the drive: fourth-and-four from Pittsburgh’s 8. You gotta go for it, don’t you think? Any reasonable football-minded person would. McDaniels is not a reasonable football-minded person because he kicked the field goal, and to reiterate, plays with blocks.
WHOOPIES BY OAKLAND ATHLETICS
Detroit Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera is retiring at the end of the season, so teams have been giving him gifts prior to his final game in their ballpark. Next up, the poverty franchise known as the Oakland Athletics. The team gifted him a $90 bottle of wine, which is a slap across the face. (Forbes estimated prior to the season that the Athletics are worth $1.18 billion.) After they slapped him, they kicked him in the nuts because Cabrera is a recovering alcoholic.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Meet the Law Geeks Exposing Google’s Secretive Antitrust Trial
You may not have heard of the Google antitrust case — the DOJ has accused Google “of unlawfully monopolizing online search and search ads” — and there’s good reason why you haven’t heard much. Google is doing everything in their power to limit public access to the trial. There are a select few, though, that have gone out of their way to educate the masses about this monumental antitrust trial.
Google’s attorneys argue that the company became the dominant search engine because consumers prefer it—not because they are forced to use it by deals in which Google pays to be the default on phones and browsers, as the US Department of Justice alleges.
Prosecutors and Google chose to forego a jury, so judge Amit Mehta will decide who wins. He denied a request from groups that included Stoller’s American Economic Liberties Project to allow remote public access for the trial after weighing prosecutors’ support for streaming and Google’s opposition. Mehta cited his own “serious concerns” about unauthorized recording of witness testimony. He also worried about accidental leaks from portions of the trial that will be closed to the public to protect the trade secrets of Google and witnesses.
Stoller calls Mehta’s decision elitist.
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Weitzman’s daily dispatches recite and explain the significance of each day’s exchanges between attorneys and witnesses as well as the judge and the attorneys. Among the most striking revelations so far is that Google secretly maneuvered to try to increase search ad pricing without informing advertisers when sales were on pace to miss Wall Street expectations in 2019. Google declined to comment for this story.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz