📱Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 97

Amish people get shunned; Football Recap

Happy Tuesday, y’all!

What is your vision of an ideal life? What is stopping you from living that ideal life?

I have stopped drinking caffeine for the past two days, which has given me horrible headaches but also prompted some deep thinking evidently. I’m miserable altogether, but I’ll live to fight another day.

Let’s break bread.

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🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁

Amish Community Members Exposed for Having Secret Cell Phones During Emergency Alert Test

Like Mormons caught having sexual intercourse, some badass Amish community members, who likely have wished they were members/groupies of NWA in a different life, were caught with cell phones and were “shunned” accordingly — “an Amish term for exclusion or isolation from community life and activities.”

Let’s call a spade a spade: they were put in solitary confinement, which is ironic because to someone like me, it seems like they’re already in solitary confinement to begin with.

I occasionally think my life is a bit boring from time to time, which is fine and probably normal. My brothers and sisters, the Amish’s lives are ALWAYS boring. And when the community members want to spice things up and own a cell phone, most likely a flip phone, they are practically exiled. You would have to pay me at least $250k — cold hard cash, no taxes taken out — to become a member of the Amish community for a period of time. What’s your price?

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🏆 SPORTZ 🏆

CFB WEEK 6 RECAP

OKLAHOMA 34 Texas 30: Yet another classic game in the Red River Rivalry, the first time that both squads came in undefeated since 2011 and the last time the two teams will meet as members of the Big 12. (The rivalry will live on when they move to the SEC.)

The Sooners avenged last year’s 49-0 kick to the nuts as quarterback Dillon Gabriel connected with Nic Anderson with 15 seconds left for the game-winning touchdown. Gabriel finished with 398 total yards and two touchdowns, while his quarterback counterpart threw two interceptions and lost one fumble. Based on my 20/20 vision, it appeared that the Longhorns were playing particularly soft coverage throughout the five-play, 75-yard game-winning drive. I’m not a football savant, but that was a bit confusing to witness.

Texas played with its food a bit too much early on as it found itself trailing 27-17 in the second half. Down 27-20 early in the fourth, Texas had first-and-goal at the one-yard line, but Oklahoma got a huge stop on fourth-and-goal, a turning point in the game without a doubt.

Even though Oklahoma won, the state is still trash, and I will stand by that take as long as my brain is functional.

GEORGIA TECH 23 Miami 20: Georgia Tech took its last timeout of the game with 1:18 remaining after a run on first down by Miami. That left second down, third down, and fourth down. There’s a 40-second play clock, so all the Hurricanes needed to do was take two knees and the game would be over.

The Hurricanes did not do that because their head coach, Mario Cristobal, must have got hit by a dump truck when he was young and/or has math skills of a first grader. Donald Chaney, Jr. fumbled on third down (there’s some question whether it was actually a fumble), which was recovered by Georgia Tech. On the ensuing drive, Haynes King tossed a rainbow pass to Christian Leary for a 44-yard touchdown with mere seconds left. Game over. Worst of all, this wasn’t the first time that Cristobal committed malpractice by failing to utilize basic math skills to secure his team the win! The Miami administration should be able to fire Cristobal for cause, or at least light his ass on fire (metaphorically speaking, of course).

NFL WEEK 5 RECAP

STEELERS 17 Ravens 10: This one was a good ole fashioned suck-off until the end. Pittsburgh, in classic fashion, could not move the ball all game, and Baltimore’s wide receivers looked like they were playing PeeWee football seeing as how they had at least seven (!!) dropped passes.

But the tide changed for the Steelers when my boy wide receiver George Pickens cooked Marlon Humphries at the outdoor BBQ party for a 41-yard touchdown to take a 14-10 lead with just over a minute left. Pittsburgh tacked on a field goal after Lamar Jackson coughed it up, which was recovered by TJ Watt. On the game’s final full possession, the Ravens turned the ball over on downs.

49ERS 42 Cowboys 10: Hello, 9-1-1 operator, I would like to report a murder. Brock Purdy established himself as Dak Prescott’s daddy after the second-year quarterback completed 17-of-24 passes for 252 yards and four touchdowns (144.4 passer rating). Prescott threw three interceptions. Whoops! At this point in the season, the Niners are the best team in the NFL, and I don’t think the second-best team is particularly close. Case in point: “The 49ers are now the 6th team in NFL history to score 30+ points in each of their first 5 games,” per ESPN’s Field Yates.

RAIDERS 17 Packers 13: Do the Packers suck? Allow me to present an analogy: you can be bad at golf while playing at the local municipal course, but you can’t be bad AND slow. No one wants to see that. Green Bay, right now, is bad and slow (also: boring). The defense had LINEBACKER Preston Smith lined up against ALL-PRO WIDE RECEIVER Davante Adams last night; safety Rudy Ford lined up in the end zone while covering Jakobi Meyers in the slot on a goal-to-go play; and Jordan Love is an awful quarterback when throwing the ball downfield. Not fun! Long season, though.

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🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓

I’ll keep the Volume short this week, and take a shower. But I encourage y’all to read up on the heinous acts being committed by Hamas against Israel.

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If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz