〽️ Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 99.5

Messi + Michigan Football Sign-Stealing Scandal

Two overflow items from Volume 99 …

As mentioned in Volume 98, I was in Charlotte last week. While my sister practically put me in a wheelchair and made me contemplate whether I should apply to be a spokesperson for LifeAlert by taking me to Pilates, all was forgiven when she took me to the Saturday night tilt between Charlotte FC and Inter Miami. Messi decided to suit up, which meant that I did not have to engage in any violent acts. Good stuff. Being able to witness Messi (the soccer G.O.A.T.) was bucket-list material, all made possible by my sister, and is something that I will never forget. I do have one minor complaint.

He scored on a pretty filthy move (at least according to my untrained soccer eyes), but the ref negated it by calling him offsides. Mr. Stripes should have counted it as a goal. I know that Charlotte FC’s playoff chances hinged on the game’s outcome, but I and most of the 66k+ people in attendance did not sit our asses in seats inside Bank of America Stadium to see Charlotte FC win a 1-0 game. We were there to see Messi and we were there to see Messi score a goal. Sometimes, cheating gets the people going and is good for business.

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Speaking of which!

The Michigan football program is in a bit of a pickle currently. Let me preface this by acknowledging that I am not a Michigan Man, but I respect the hell out of head football coach Jim Harbaugh. He is an outstanding leader of men and should command the utmost respect from every person in the United States of America. So, what the National Clown Athletic Association (NCAA) is doing to Harbaugh is nothing short of a witch hunt. It feels like we’re back in Salem, Massachusetts, in the late 1600s. Plus, if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.

Those were my feelings late last week, once news trickled out that the NCAA was investigating Harbaugh and the Wolverines for violating NCAA Bylaw 11.6.1, which states: "Off-campus, in-person scouting of future opponents (in the same season) is prohibited." It is important to note that the particular Bylaw in question does not specify a penalty for a program found in violation.

Another NCAA Bylaw involved: "Any attempt to record, either through audio or video means, any signals given by an opposing player, coach or other team personnel is prohibited."

My sentiment shifted a little bit, though, because as Bobbie Dylan once said, the times they are a-changin’. Heaps of new information has come to light that does not exactly paint a Bob Ross-style picture for the Wolverines.

Below are the necessary details. I likely missed some things here or there, but you should walk away with more knowledge than you had before (at least I hope that is the case).

• Connor Stalions, a “low-level staffer” who is a former Marine, has been alleged as the mastermind behind the sign-stealing saga. He was often been seen on the sidelines next to the defensive coaching staff, according to ESPN. Does the NCAA hate the troops? I wouldn’t put it past them. More on Stalions later.

• The sign stealing has reportedly been going on since at least the 2021 season, ironically enough when Michigan started to ascend to its current status among the sport’s elite. That could also be a coincidence. Harbaugh said he has no knowledge of anything that is being alleged. Classic.

• Unbeknownst to me prior to researching everything like a college student hyped up on Red Bull and Adderall, sign stealing is a rampant practice in college football. How rampant? “Ohio State defensive coordinator Jim Knowles told ESPN in December that he estimates 75% of teams do it in some form.” Former Clemson defensive coordinator Brent Venables, now the head coach at Oklahoma, is probably the most well-known coach who has been accused of sign stealing in the past, but he was allegedly stealing signs while at Clemson from his position on the sideline — a radically different practice than what Michigan has been engaging in. Allegedly.

• Here’s how Michigan allegedly went about its business in trying to gain a competitive advantage: Stalions purchased tickets in his name to at least 30 games featuring 12 Big Ten teams and other games featuring a handful of non-Big Ten teams that the Wolverines could face off against in the College Football Playoff, bringing the grand total number of games “scouted” to more than 40 games, according to Yahoo! Sports’ Ross Dellenger, over the last three seasons. The only Big Ten team that Michigan reportedly did not bother to check up on? The Wisconsin Badgers, according to the WI State Journal. Makes sense — there’s no need to spend time, energy, and money on scoping out an opponent that, more often than not, will either run to the left, right, or middle. Better to spend time, energy, and money on Rutgers, a team that will keep ya guessin’!

• Tickets were bought opposite both benches, and Stalions’ little minions would scout and, in some cases, record the sidelines with a smartphone to steal the signals. I would think that “smartphone” means an iPhone, because how dare someone use an Android for a stealth mission such as this one? In fact, I bet that a prerequisite for the job was to have an iPhone.

• One of the minions spilled the beans to ESPN’s Dan Murphy. He attended and recorded the sidelines at three away games — at Rutgers and Penn State in 2022 and at Penn State this season. "I only did a half because it was pouring rain and they were playing UMass. It didn't pay well enough so I was like, 'Yeah, I'm not staying here.'" Penn State won that game two weeks ago, 63-0. He was paid a total of $1,000 for his troubles from Stalion’s personal Venmo account.

• There is one play from last year’s Ohio State-Michigan game in which it is clear that the Wolverines know the play as they point to the sky to indicate a pass. The Buckeyes scored a touchdown on that play anyway. If Michigan knew a handful of plays — say, less than ten — that is one thing. But if the team knew, say, 25+ plays, that’s a totally different story.

• Michigan made the Playoff in 2021, where it was embarrassed by Georgia, and in 2022. It lost to TCU last season, 51-45. The Horned Frogs reportedly caught wind of the Wolverines’ elaborate sign-stealing scheme ahead of the CFP matchup — the scheme was reportedly the worst-kept secret in the industry. According to Dellenger, TCU “mixed in new play-call signals with old ones, using what one TCU staff member described as ‘dummy signals’ in an effort to trick the UM staff.” One narc, cosplaying as a college football coach, told the TCU coaching staff that Michigan “has the most elaborate signal-stealing in the history of the world.” In the history of the world? Damn, shut down the program.

• There was a separate report circulating that Michigan did not even “scout” TCU. Whether that is true, I have no idea.

• Let’s circle back to Stalions. One word that comes to mind for that gentleman is passion. He bleeds maize and blue, so much so that he put together “the Michigan Manifesto,” which was at least 550 pages in length detailing his plan to be the next best general in the military, I mean, the next head coach of the Michigan Wolverines, according to Sports Illustrated’s Richard Johnson. Johnson wrote that Stalions managed the Manifesto daily.

• The 2017 Naval Academy graduate previously said, “I’ve grown up my entire life with a vision to coach football at Michigan.” Some people want to do this on NCAA College Football 14; Stalions wanted to do it in real life. Respect.

• According to Johnson, while Stalions was at the Naval Academy, he “obtained a decade’s worth of high school national standardized test scores and GPAs for approximately 500 Midshipmen football players—data that he should not have been allowed to possess.” He then started to cook. He hypothesized, based on the data, “There is a direct relationship among test scores, GPAs and the work habits of athletes. Stalions’s pet theory was that athletes with lower SAT or ACT scores but high GPAs would be strong performers on the field because while test scores indicate intelligence, GPAs ‘give you work ethic.’” Spot the lie.

• Harbaugh once said, “Attack each day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.” Stalions took that message literally and to the fullest extent. I can’t knock the 28-year-old for doing so because, among other reasons, I respect the troops. If I didn’t respect the troops, I would say that Stalions is an unhinged nut job. But I won’t say that because I respect the troops. Stalions, who reportedly makes $55,000 per year, was suspended with pay on October 20.

• The Washington Post peeled back the curtain even more in a piece published on Wednesday in connection with the Wolverines’ elaborate scheme. According to WaPo, an outside investigative firm tipped the NCAA off about the sign stealing and approached them like they were members of the BestBuy Geek Squad with “files and video from computer drives maintained by the university.” More information is below via CBS Sports, which was able to read the Post article because they presumably have a subscription. (I have enough digital subscriptions as it is.”

The Post's anonymous sources say the firm presented a schedule to the NCAA, detailing Michigan's planned travel for sign-stealing for the rest of the year. The alleged schedule featured a budget of around $15,000 with scouts attending more than 40 games played by 10 opponents. Ohio State led the way with as many as eight trips and more than $3,000 budged for travel and tickets. Potential College Football Playoff opponent Georgia was next with four or five games scheduled at a total of around $3,000. 

• You can’t say that Stalions or any other football personnel involved aren’t detail-oriented, but the reporting paints the picture that the scheme was certainly not off the cuff.

• John U. Bacon, who is an uber-plugged-in individual in Ann Arbor, alleged on a sports radio talk show that Jim Stapleton, a Michigan alum who is a member of the NCAA Infractions Committee, is the kingpin narc and the person behind all of the information being leaked. He allegedly “hates” Harbaugh. Let me tell you this for free: Stapleton won’t be an honorary football captain at a Michigan football game anytime soon!

• The NCAA reportedly visited the Michigan campus to interview suspects this week.

A lot of information obviously, and as you might guess, the story is far from over. Is this Houston Astros-level of cheating? It is definitely possible, but I’m not going to jump to any grandiose conclusions until all of this information has been verified and sussed out. I also can’t jump because I am a five-foot-nine white dude with a bad back in addition to tight hips and hamstrings.

All told, in an ideal world, the NCAA would approach the investigation rationally and not try to fit a square peg into a round hole by being over-aggressive. We do not live in an ideal world, though. So it would not surprise me if Michigan receives a bowl ban and a loss in scholarships, while Stalions receives a show-cause that extends until the day he dies. Whether all of that is warranted or not, time will tell.

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If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz