🤦 Tubz 🛀 Unfiltered - Volume 37 🤦
Nancy Drew Wannabe; NBA Finals Matchup Set; Fantasy Football Disagreement
Happy Monday, y’all!
I failed to publish last week, for the first time since this newsletter’s inception. I could make up an excuse, but I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith, as there’s a drive into deep left field by Castellanos and that’ll be a home run. And so that’ll make it a 4-0 ballgame.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
‘How to Murder Your Husband’ author Nancy Crampton Brophy guilty of hubby’s murder
If it bleeds, it leads, folks. Journalism 101. Anywho, what a sad story all around. Not only is someone deceased because of such a heinous act, but all of the warning signs were there for everyone, including the husband, in plain sight. I am as single as a dollar bill, but if my significant other wrote a piece of content titled, “How to Murder Your Husband (or Boyfriend),” I would quietly pack up my belongings while she was getting an overpriced haircut (especially in this economy), give her a small kiss on the forehead when she returned, tell her I am going to the grocery store for some milk, and never return.
Let’s address the elephant in the room before going any further — Nancy lost a lot of credibility as an author. The essay, in part, read as follows:
As a romantic suspense writer, I spend a lot of time thinking about murder and, consequently, about police procedure. After all, if the murder is supposed to set me free, I certainly don’t want to spend any time in jail. And let me say clearly for the record, I don’t like jumpsuits and orange isn’t my color.1
Well, whether she likes it or not, let me say clearly for the record that orange is going to have to be her new color. On the plus side, orange is the new black.
Crampton-Brophy followed her husband to work and shot him with a Glock 9mm handgun. Investigators found two 9mm shell casings at the scene. She had also bought a “ghost gun” assembly kit that investigators later found at a storage facility. “Ghost guns” are unregistered and untraceable firearms.
On why she had bought a gun and a ghost-gun kit, she said it was part of research for a new book.
“What I can tell you is it was for writing,” she said. “It was not, as you would believe, to murder my husband.”
This is so messed up. In the eyes of Tubz Unfiltered, she is now a certified psycho, a designation that people want to avoid at all costs.
Since she is set to face a minimum of 25 years in prison, she will have ample time to write more shitty essays. Maybe one can be, “How To Escape From Prison.”
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
Boston Celtics 100 Miami Heat 96: Despite the final score being close, this was a wire-to-wire victory for the Celtics as they clinched a spot in the NBA Finals for the first time since 2010. The Heat almost pulled off an insane comeback, down by 13 with 3:35 left, yet Jimmy Butler missed a three-pointer with 17 seconds remaining that would have put them by one. All of that effort to get back into it, only to fall short. Marcus Smart (24 PTS, 9 REB, 5 AST) then iced the game with two made free throws, which sent the Miami fans exiting the arena to head back to their cocaine-filled condominiums. (As an aside, how many people in the stands do you think were donning multiple chains? At least 40%, right?)
Jayson Tatum (26 PTS, 10 REB, 6 AST), who played 46 minutes in Game 7, took home the inaugural Larry Bird MVP trophy. He had a kid out of wedlock, but I will see past that because he played some phenomenal basketball throughout the series. The Duke product averaged 25 points, 8.3 rebounds, and 5.6 assists per game, which for Duke fans almost makes up for the fact that the Blue Devils lost to UNC in Coach K’s last home game and lost to them in Coach K’s last game ever.
The Warriors took care of the Mavs in five games and will be making their sixth appearance in the last eight years. Game 1 is set for Thursday. Warriors in 6.
Tommy Pham-Joc Pederson Kitty Fight (open up article in incognito mode)
Lots to break down here. Tommy Pham of the Cincinnati Reds and Joc Pederson of the San Francisco Giants used to be in a fantasy football league together. Said league had multiple injured reserve (IR) spots, so when one of Joc’s players (the oft-injured running back Jeff Wilson) was ruled out for a contest, Joc placed him in one of the IR spots. Totally normal, and smart, move by Joc.2
“There was some (expletive) that went on in fantasy, but what he forgot to tell you guys, too, is he said some disrespectful (expletive) in a text message,” Pham said. “I called him out on it.”
The disrespectful (expletive) that Joc sent? Allegedly, a gif (FYI — it is pronounced with a “g” sound, not a “j” sound) of three weight lifters. One weight lifter had the Giants logo above it. One weight lifter had the Dodgers logo above it. And one weight lifter had the Padres above it. The weight lifter with the Padres logo above it collapsed, as the gif was supposed to represent the team’s late-season shitting of the bed.3
There has to be more to the story, right? There is no way that a sane person would slap another human being because of fantasy football and an innocent gif, right? Looks like Pham slapped Joc largely because there was a lot of money at stake.
“We’ve got too much money on the line,” Pham said. “I look at it like, there’s a code. If you’re (messing) with my money, you’re going to say some disrespectful (stuff), there’s a code to this. … This was strictly about winning some money, gambling. … There’s a lot of money on the line. I’m a big dog in Vegas. I’m a high roller at many casinos. … If you lost, you had to pay double, so I looked at it like he was (messing) with my money, along with the disrespect.”
Pham is not quite on Nancy Drew wannabe’s level of being a certified psycho, but he is inching closer. While Pham was not suspended from everyday life for a minimum of 25 years, MLB suspended him for three games.
Altogether, Pham acted like a sensitive baby back female dog. He is a loser and will remain one. If you play fantasy football (or are a living, breathing human being), do not be a Tommy Pham.
If you chuckled, make sure to forward to others and/or share on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
“The circuit judge Christopher Ramras had excluded the essay from the trial, noting it had been published several years ago. Jurors were not allowed to consider it in their judgment.”
After the incident, Pham bowed out of the league because he is a loser.
While the Padres were expected to compete for a World Series title heading into the 2021 season, they went 13-34 to close out the season and finished with a 79-83 record. Pham was a member of that team, appearing in 155 games for the squad while hitting .229 with an OPS of .724.