🥢 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 105
Chopsticks brain; CFB Playoff + NFL Recap; George Santos
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
As of December 1, it is acceptable to start decorating your dwelling in the Christmas spirit and blasting Christmas music. Carry on.
Programming note: You will likely not see an email from Tubz Unfiltered next Tuesday. I will be in Mexico for a wedding this weekend and, therefore, will probably be out of commission the following week because the country does not have sanitary drinking water, so how else am I supposed to hydrate?
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Man who suffered headaches for 5 months learns he had chopsticks stuck in his brain
This is a classic case of a guy being a dude. First, the gentleman was suffering from severe headaches but only went to the doctor after five months. Should he have got that checked out sooner? Yes, but then he would be a chick. Generally speaking, guys don’t go to the doctor until they realize, “[Expletive], this really hurts.”
Secondly, it would be one thing if he was saving those chopsticks in the dome for a rainy day, yet another example of a guy being a dude. Nope. He was tossing a few brewskis back with the boys and got into a little scuffle, one which resulted in him getting stabbed up the nostril(s) with chopsticks. Hopefully, he kept those chopsticks to show others that he truly is #BuiltDifferent.
Dudes rock.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF IS SET
What a wild weekend of college football. Washington beat Oregon in an instant classic and the last PAC-12 conference championship game. Texas embarrassed Oklahoma State and clinched the program’s first conference title since 2009. Alabama pulled off a stunner and was in control for the majority of the game against Georgia, winning the SEC crown for the ninth time under Nick Saban. Michigan could have played its third-string players against Iowa and probably still would have won. Finally, Florida State improved to 13-0 with a win over Louisville in a defensive masterpiece by the Seminoles.
And yet, FSU was left on read by the College Football Playoff Committee. There was no way that the Committee was going to leave out the SEC champion. So once Alabama beat Georgia, the Tide punched their ticket. Since Texas beat Alabama in Tuscaloosa by double digits, it would be a low-level sports felony — perhaps a high-level misdemeanor — to then exclude Texas.
You can also argue that excluding an undefeated Power-5 team is a low-level sports felony, but the Committee obviously did not see it that way because FSU is without its starting quarterback, and, therefore, is a completely different team. Maybe the Seminoles should have protected Jordan Travis better by not playing him in a glorified scrimmage against the School of the Blind (read: North Alabama). Maybe the Seminoles should have better backup quarterbacks who know ball. Those two things highlight what is wrong with today’s society: we are quick to blame others for our problems.
Regardless, if it was not clear before, it should be clear now: college football is in the entertainment and money-generating business. Alabama, playing at full strength, against Michigan at the Rose Bowl is better for business than Florida State playing against Michigan.
It is ironic, and perhaps diabolical, that the Committee rewarded Liberty, an undefeated Group of Five team with one of the worst strength of schedules in the country, with a NY6 bid, but was like, “Oh, Florida State, you’re undefeated? Well …”
So, how many FSU fans will send, or have sent, anthrax-infested mail to CFP Committee Executive Director Bill Hancock and other decision-makers? How many FSU fans have committed heinous crimes in the last few days?
(If you the Badgers were in the same spot as the Seminoles, I would figuratively storm the CFP headquarters, Jan. 6th style.)
What a way for the four-team playoff format to go out.
Rose Bowl (Jan. 1): (1) Michigan vs. (4) Alabama
Sugar Bowl (Jan. 1): (2) Washington vs. (3) Texas
If the 12-team playoff had been implemented this year, this is how it would have shaken out:
Penn State only beat one top-25 team based on the most recent CFP rankings (Iowa, and the Hawkeyes STINK). Ole Miss also only beat one top-25 team based on the most recent CFP rankings (LSU).
An eight-team playoff would have been fine going forward. A 12-team playoff was purely a money grab. Go figure.
NFL WEEK 13 RECAP
COWBOYS 41 Seahawks 35: SO. MANY. DAMN. FLAGS. My goodness, what a ref show this game turned into. But in the end, the Dallas defense forced the Seahawks into three TODs in as many possessions to end the game, and the Cowboys scored 11 unanswered points to clinch their 14th straight home win.
You may think this is a biased take, but I do not care: Dak Prescott should be the MVP frontrunner at this point in the season. Here are his passer ratings in each of the last seven weeks, starting with Week 6.
LAC: 109.3
LAR: 133.7
PHI: 115.2
NYG: 138.3
CAR: 95.2
WSH: 142.1
SEA: 115.8
For the season, he leads the league in touchdown passes (26) and has only thrown six interceptions. He’s also third in completion percentage, fifth in yards, and fourth in Adjusted Net Yards per Pass Attempt. Go beyond the stats and watch the games: the man is ballin’. The reality, though, is that for him to win it, the Cowboys will need to win the division. Massive SNF matchup this weekend between Dallas and Philadelphia in Arlington, TX.
49ERS 42 Eagles 19: The Eagles started relatively strong, but could not cash in on the red zone opportunities and instead settled for two field goals in the opening frame. San Francisco beat the living snot of Philly the rest of the way. If the 49ers are at full strength, they are the best team in the NFL hands down.
Speaking of hands, SF linebacker Dre Greenlaw and Eagles Chief Security Officer Dom DiSandro got into it on the sidelines, with both men being ejected from the game. DiSandro, who is the most Italian Philly man I have ever seen in my life, is also apparently the Senior Advisor to the General Manager. What does Senior Advisor to the General Manager mean? I’m fairly confident it means DiSandro helps the team cook the books.1
Where do you think he learned how to cook the books? From the mob, most likely.2
PACKERS 27 Chiefs 19: Excuse me for a second, I’m trying to delete the negative things I previously wrote about the Packers and Jordan Love. In the meantime, let’s get weird: Watching Love over the last five games has made my pants fit funny. The former first-round pick outdueled Patrick Mahomes on Sunday night in front of a national audience, Anders Carlson hit two huge field goals, and the defense bent but did not break. All three phases were clicking in the wire-to-wire victory. Who would have thought that was a possible outcome six weeks ago?
Running back A.J. Dillon, who chipped in 73 yards on 18 carries, started the season as bad as one could, especially in a contract year. However, buddy boy has turned it around and then some as of late. Read more here.
MARK CUBAN IS OUT
… As majority owner of the Dallas Mavericks, but he will still retain shares of the franchise and will maintain control of basketball operations.
Cuban, who bought the team in 2000 for $285 million and also recently announced that he will step away from “Shark Tank” after 16 years, sold his majority stake in the Mavericks to Miriam Adelson, the 35th richest person in the world and the widow of the late casino mogul Sheldon Adelson, who founded Las Vegas Sands Corporation, the fourth-largest casino company based on 2022 revenue. The deal valued the franchise at $3.5 billion.
I originally thought when the deal was announced that the Mavs would be Las Vegas-bound at some point in the future. Never say never, but that is an increasingly unlikely proposition. Instead, it is far more likely that the Adelson family will now lobby the state of Texas like never before to legalize gambling. (They have tried in the past, but so far have been unsuccessful. Big money talks, though.)
As for Sands Corp.’s involvement? Cuban explained the company is “coming in to upgrade and hopefully build a new area, which will hopefully be a Venetian like resort here in Dallas. That’s the goal.”
Cuban said last year he wanted to build a new arena that would also be “in the middle of a resort and casino” in Dallas — if the state of Texas legalized gambling.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
George Santos Has Pivoted to Video
We all had at least one kid in our high school who was expelled (or at least was on the verge of getting expelled). Respectfully, that person was the scum of the earth. That is George Santos, except instead of getting expelled from high school as a juvenile, he got expelled from Congress as a grown-ass adult for “a litany of alleged campaign-finance violations and outright lies (as well as for allegedly defrauding a fellow congressman and his mom).”
But the grind does not stop for the unemployed fella, who may soon enough be donning an orange jumpsuit. He is now on Cameo as a means to pay his future legal bills. He started by charging $75 per video but has since increased his fee to $150 per video. He will allegedly only record 150 videos — like we’re supposed to believe that — so “if he sells out all the videos at $150 a pop, he would make $16,875 after Cameo’s 25 percent cut.”
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
For legal reasons, that assertion is a joke.
For legal reasons, that assertion is also a joke.