💰 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 113
Money heist; NFL Recap + Doc Rivers
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I have started watching Below Deck, a Bravo show, as a social experiment. I’ll report back my findings at some point.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Chauffeurs accused of stealing $34M from Oregon publishing magnate in ‘colossal heist’
Money crimes have levels to them. There’s stealing thousands of dollars from old(er) people because you want the adrenaline rush — morally indefensible, in case you are feening for my stance on the issue — and there’s stealing THIRTY-FOUR MILLION DOLLARS OVER SEVEN YEARS. Such a figure is not a rounding error, ladies and gentlemen. Greed and caffeine can make people do crazy things.
The husband drove Win McCormack around town through his Portland limousine service and eventually started doing “daily errands for McCormack. The couple would house-sit for McCormack, fix things in his home and do other errands.” McCormack was the company’s only client. Classic.
So what did the couple do with the money? Of course they kept a little bit of it for themselves for a rainy day — why else would they attempt to pull off a heist of this magnitude? For funsies? — but they at least had somewhat of a conscious and donated some of it to a worthy cause(s), right? Wrong!
They bought a $2 million home in California, a $2.3 million home in central Oregon, “other houses in the Portland metro area for their two adult daughters and for their pastor,” and a $1.5 million jet, among other things. The couple likely thought that buying a home for their pastor would absolve them of all wrongdoing. Good try! On top of those crowned jewels, when the feds raided their homes, they recovered “$100,000 in cash, 150 ounces of gold bullion worth about $300,000 and 12 firearms, according to court records.” Oh, and at least $20 million just disappeared. No trace of it.
I’m not trying to get an aiding and abetting charge, but they should have bought a bunch of car washes, a classic money laundering scheme, instead of flaunting it to keep up with the Joneses.
In 2019 alone, the couple stole $9 million from McCormack, according to the FBI.
A review of the American Express bank statements showed the couple charged McCormack’s American Express card 225 times in a single month -- April 2022 -- for a total of $602,490, though McCormack was in Portland for only seven days of that month, according to the affidavit.
The gentleman who the couple stole from was a major donor to the Democratic party. Safe to say, the couple probably did not vote for Joe Biden in the 2020 election and, if they were allowed to do so, would likely not vote for him in the 2024 election. I could be wrong, though. You don’t want to judge a book by its cover too much.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NFL CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND RECAP
CHIEFS 17 Ravens 10: Patrick Mahomes is headed to his fourth Super Bowl in the last five seasons, an incredible feat considering he has to put up with his wife who looks like she could play a supporting role in Ratatouille (respectfully). Mahomes & Co. scored all of their 17 points in the first half and rode the coattails of their defense in the second half, who shut down to-be-named MVP Lamar Jackson by taking away Jackson’s bread and butter: intermediate throws. But the Ravens also shot themselves in the foot one too many times, a common occurrence in the city of Baltimore.
Wide receiver Zay Flowers extended the ball at the goal line in an attempt to score in the third quarter, only for the ball to get jarred loose by L’Jarius Sneed (awesome name). Flowers was assessed an unsportsmanlike conduct after “taunting” Snead earlier in the drive, so it looks like Sneed got the last laugh.
In addition, Jackson tossed the pigskin into triple coverage in the end zone with under seven minutes left in the final quarter, a big ole no-no that resulted in an interception. Tight end Isaiah Likely put his hand in the air to signal that he was open when, in fact, he was nowhere close to being open. Someone needs to tell Likely that he ain’t 7/11.
While you have to give credit to Kansas City’s defense for their performance in stifling the Ravens’ offensive attack, you have to wonder what kind of Baltimore crack OC Todd Monken smoked before the game, seeing as how he only ran the ball six combined times with Gus Edwards and Justice Hill. Jackson finished with 8 rushes, but most of those were on design pass plays. Kansas City entered the playoffs 18th in opponent rushing yards per game (113.2).
Taylor Swift’s boyfriend finished with 11 receptions for 116 yards and a touchdown. In the process, he became the all-time leader in postseason receptions (156), passing Jerry Rice (151).1 Sunday was Kelce’s eighth playoff game with at least 100 receiving yards, tied for the most in NFL history with Rice.
One more factoid for ya: Super Bowl LVII will be head coach Andy Reid’s fifth Super Bowl appearance, tying him for the third-most appearances in NFL history.
49ERS 34 Lions 31: Detroit was so close, yet so far, from making its first-ever Super Bowl appearance. To say the Lions had the 49ers on the ropes would be an understatement. They were up 24-7 in the third quarter. They then proceeded to collapse worse than the auto industry in 2008. Tough scene for the city.
A drop on fourth down. A ball that could have been intercepted, but instead bounced off a cornerback’s face mask and into the hands of Brandon Aiyuk, eventually leading to a touchdown a few plays later. A fumble by Jahymr Gibbs on the opening play of the next possession. A drop on third down. A booming punt by Jack Fox that should have been downed at the one-yard line, but the coverage team wet the bed. All in the third quarter.
There was a lot of talk about Dan Campbell opting to go for it on two fourth downs in the second half rather than kicking field goals from 48 yards out. Look, there are good people on both sides of the aisle, but Campbell is a big-time vibes guy and has one speed — 100 miles per hour at all times. His ultra-aggressiveness is one of the reasons the Lions were in the NFC Championship Game, to begin with, so why in the world would he slow down?
It is easy to judge a decision in hindsight and pound your fist on the table while shouting that Campbell should have taken the points, but for starters, Michael Badgley, who was on the team’s practice squad all year and elevated to the gameday roster in December, is 9/20 from 48+ for his career, so three points in each situation were far from a guarantee.
In addition, the 49ers were humming on offense in the second half. Field goals were not going to win the game for the Lions. And even if they would have made both field goals, isn’t it likely that San Francisco would have had the ball late in the game anyway with the chance to win the game outright?
Campbell put his plums on the table, just like he has all season. They got smushed, but I will not fault the guy for taking chances.
Also!
The dumb-dumb move that everyone should be talking about instead: running the ball on third and goal with under a minute left and burning a precious timeout. That was a brain-dead, sippin’-from-a-straw move. Inexcusable. At the end of the day, while the Lions have young talent on both sides of the ball, a genuine chance exists that they will not make it back to this point in the postseason in quite a while. Kinda cruel but also kinda funny, considering how much that city has been through.
Nevertheless, kudos to the 49ers for rallying. Brock Purdy turned into Michael Vick Sunday as he picked up 48 yards on the ground, with 21 of those coming on an important third-down conversion late in the game. I hate the 49ers.
BUCKS HIRE DOC RIVERS
Glenn Anton "Doc" Rivers, who “began to serve as an informal consultant to Griffin at the behest of the Bucks,” according to The Athletic, in December after Milwaukee lost to the Pacers in the In-Season Tournament, is the new head coach of the Milwaukee Bucks.
What I Love About Glenn Anton "Doc" Rivers
Marquette Grad. Clearly a smart individual.
1,096 regular-season victories, which puts him in ninth place in NBA history. He is three wins away from passing Larry Brown. Nice!
Voted as one of the 15 best NBA coaches of all time. No election interference with this one.
Has not had a losing season since 2007. Neato!
NBA champion in 2008 over Kobe and the Lakers. One of two coaches to beat Kobe in the Finals 👀😱.
Should improve the Bucks’ piss-poor defense that has been on display this season, at least based on the numbers in Philly. 2020-21: 2nd in defensive efficiency, 21-22: 13th, 22-23: 8th.
Showed immense restraint by not pistol-whipping James Harden and/or Ben Simmons in Philly, even though he would have been justified in doing so.
Far and away the best option for the Bucks right now. Milwaukee could have sought out a well-regarded assistant coach, like the Minnesota Timberwolves did when they canned their coach during the 2020-21 season and hired Toronto Raptors assistant Chris Finch, but that would have been a risky endeavor for a team in a championship-or-bust mode.
What I Don’t Love About Glenn Anton "Doc" Rivers
Massive choke artist in the playoffs. This carries as much weight as the cross on Jesus’ back many moons ago. In other words, that sh*t is heavy. He and his teams have blown 12 series leads in the playoffs, including seven when his team needed to win only one more game to advance (2003, 2009, 2010, 2012, 2015, 2020, and 2023!). In total, Rivers-coached teams are 16-33 “when they have three wins in a seven-game series” and 6-10 in Game 7s.
Oh, you thought I was done outlining how big of a choke artist he has been? Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just starting to cook on the
grillkeyboard.He and his teams have blown three 3-1 leads (versus the Pistons in 2003, Rockets in 2015, and Nuggets in 2020). To put that number into context, there have been 13 occurrences of a team coming back from a 3-1 lead. SBNation did the math: “23.1% of all 3-1 collapses in NBA history have happened under Rivers’ watch.”
In nine seasons in Boston, although he made two appearances in the NBA Finals, he only made three appearances in the Conference Finals. The franchise has made five Conference Finals appearances in the last seven seasons.
He was the head coach of the Clippers during the Lob City era, and thereafter, coached Paul George and Kawhi Leonard. Very good teams, one might even say some of those teams were stacked. From 2013 until 2020, his teams never made the Conference Finals. Los Angeles made the Conference Finals the following season. (But we don’t know about the locker room dynamic! Perhaps toxic personalities held back the team!)
From 2020 to 2023 as coach of the 76ers, his teams went 12-3 in the opening round but 8-12 in the second round. No Philly team of his advanced to the Conference Finals. (But we don’t know about the locker room dynamic! Perhaps toxic personalities held back the team!)
It appears he is already making excuses.
To reiterate, he is now coaching a team in championship-or-bust mode, and yet he hasn’t been to the NBA Finals since 2010 and hasn’t been to the Conference Finals since 2012.
What could go wrong?
I have my doubts about Rivers as a coach in the postseason, but I will ride with my squad and support the decision 1,000%. And based on reports, the defense played much better Monday night against the defending NBA champs — a great sign!
To recap, the Bucks are in this position to begin with because the front office botched the original hire. Massively. They let Giannis drive the Mercedes Benz bus, without him having the requisite CDL, and he crashed it. But the bus is not totaled. After all, the Bucks are 32-15, second in the Eastern Conference. Time will tell whether the mechanic — Glenn Anton "Doc" Rivers — can get the bus back to tip-top shape. Let’s ride.
FORMER LSU WR = A “SHARP,” BUT ALSO A DUMB DUMB
Kayshon Boutte, formerly of LSU and drafted by the New England Patriots in the sixth round of the 2023 NFL Draft, was arrested last week and booked “on a felony count of computer fraud and a misdemeanor count of gaming prohibited by persons under 21.” He placed almost 9,000 bets over two years, including while he was a member of the Tigers. NIL money was right there for the taking, and he was like, “Nah, I’m gonna turn into a degenerate.”
He opened up a FanDuel account in April 2022 with his mom’s credit card under a different person’s name and birthdate. In January 2023, the account’s username was “Kayshonboutte01.” Sly!
$132,147.53 deposited, $556,267.58 won. That is what people in the industry call a sharp. If the NFL does not work out for the LSU product, one of the plethora of gambling shows out there would be a “sharp” to hire Boutte.
Motivational speakers constantly preach the importance of betting on oneself. Boutte took that advice to the extreme. As part of an eight-leg parlay, which is always fun but never a good idea, he bet that he would find the end zone and produce at least 82.5 receiving yards against Florida State in the 2022 season opener. He came up empty! He finished with two receptions for 20 yards.
Computer fraud is punishable by a fine of up to $10,000 and a prison term of five years or less. Illegal gambling carries maximum penalties of a $1,000 fine and six months in jail.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Went waaaaaay too long this week. I know, this section is more inconsistent than someone’s communication with you who is not interested in a romantic relationship. It’ll be back next week (but no promises for the week after).
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
Trivia question: Who is third on the list for the most receptions in the playoffs? Julian Edelman (118).
Great article Rex!!!