🍺 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 114
Bud Light rebounds; NCAA is cooked; 23andMe is also cooked
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I had a dream the other night I went back to school to get my MBA. Chalk that one up as a nightmare.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Bud Light partners with comedian Shane Gillis after Dylan Mulvaney fiasco
You love to see a good redemption story. After Bud Light pulled a move that landed them in the Tubz Unfiltered Dumb Dumb Hall of Fame, they recently righted the wrong by striking a partnership with Shane Gillis, the funniest comedian in the game today.
I saw a tweet awhile back that said something along the lines of: Shane Gillis is to the fellas, what Taylor Swift is to the girlies. I can’t necessarily argue with that. Now, there are no friendship bracelets because, well, those are for the girlies, nor is there an army of people who practically live and die on Swift’s every word and move.
Instead, the fellas send each other clips of Gillis on Instagram, declare that Saturday Night Live massively dropped the ball when they fired him in 2019 (“cancel culture at its finest lol”),1 and repeat lines to each other from his various standup routines, among other things. It’s awesome, but we’re cool about it.
Will Bud Light’s partnership with Gillis motivate me to drink Bud Light? Yes, I will have one — and one only — while watching Gillis’ content. Just the way both parties intended.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
CATCHING YOU UP ON NCAA HAPPENINGS (HINT: THEY ARE COOKED)
First things first, Zach Edey is overrated and only produces as big of numbers as he does because he is tall. Plus, he could literally stab an opponent on the court and the ref would likely call a foul on the person who was stabbed. No, of course I am not bitter and only writing the aforementioned statements because the Badgers lost to Purdue Sunday afternoon, with the refs acting as blind as Stevie Wonder down the stretch.
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Do you remember the Alabama baseball coach, Brad Bohannon, who bet on his team and ~shockingly~ was fired as a result? The NCAA provided its investigatory findings last week in connection with the matter and slapped Bohannon with a 15-year show-cause. Even if he is hired during the aforementioned period, which is ridiculously unlikely, he will be suspended for the first five seasons. He better head down to his local Home Depot to see if they’re hiring.2
Bohannon’s fate was sealed in the most embarrassing fashion known to mankind. You cannot teach this level of stupidity. Bohannon texted “HAMMER” to his buddy who was at a sportsbook after Bohannon found out that Alabama’s starting pitcher was out due to injury for the team’s game against LSU. The buddy then tried to put $100,000 on LSU, but the sportsbook was like, “Dude, this is college baseball. Chill out. The max you can put down is 15 large.”
The man was not cool under pressure, let me tell you that for free. “If only you guys knew what I knew.” That would be like sitting at a blackjack table, betting way beyond the max bet, hitting on 18 or 19, and when the dealer questions you, you respond with, “If only you guys knew what I knew.” Yeah dude, that’s gonna draw some extra eyeballs. And the real kicker is that Bozo McGee showed the sportsbook staff messages from the coach!
“Here, officer, this is a text from my drug dealer indicating that he has a bunch more product at the house and is ready to sell.” Talk about a bust waiting to happen!
I understand that the man probably had a mortgage to pay and a family to feed, but he would have been better off buying his way to the top of a pyramid for a multi-level marketing scheme selling knives. Probably a better return on investment. That’s just me, though. Degenerates are a different breed.
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Another week, another NCAA lawsuit.
The association is currently investigating the University of Tennesee in connection with name, image, and likeness (NIL) violations regarding, at a minimum, quarterback Nico Iamaleava.
According to a New York Times report Tuesday, one element of the NCAA’s investigation is a collective using a private jet to fly heralded five-star quarterback recruit Nico Iamaleava to campus during his recruitment. Having a booster group pay for the trip is a violation of NCAA rules.
In direct retaliation to that investigation, the State of Tennessee AG and the State of Virginia AG sued the NCAA’s 🍑 in federal court, alleging that the NCAA’s policies forbidding NIL as an inducement during the recruiting process violate federal antitrust law.
I would not be surprised if pay-for-play is happening all over the country. Too late to stop it at this point in its entirety. The justice system will likely be one to allow it to continue to happen. America!
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Do you recall the Big Ten-ACC-Pac-12 Alliance? There was a handshake-with-great-eye-contact agreement between the three conferences, only for the Big Ten and then-commissioner Kevin Warren to proceed to give them a swirly with crap still in the toilet when the Big Ten plucked UCLA and USC. Well, B1G is at it again, teaming up with the big bad SEC to “take a leadership role in developing solutions for a sustainable future of college sports.”
That is one way of saying: We, the Big Ten and the SEC, are the money overlords in college athletics, so let us, with our big swingin’ 🍆s, decide what is best for the future of college athletics, which likely includes the destruction of the NCAA in its current form. I’m confident the United States federal court system will play a heavy hand in that, too.
Of note, this all may come to a head sooner than later — 2025 is “the final year that the 10 FBS conferences and Notre Dame are contractually bonded together through the CFP’s television deal with media partner ESPN,” per Yahoo! Sports.
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Aaaaand last but not least, the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) Regional Director issued a ruling Monday, finding that the “Dartmouth men’s basketball players are considered university employees under U.S. labor law—and therefore are eligible to unionize.”
Because Dartmouth has the right to control the work performed by the Dartmouth men’s basketball team, and the players perform that work in exchange for compensation, I find that the petitioned-for basketball players are employees within the meaning of the [National Labor Relations] Act.
… …
The profitability of any given business does not affect the employee status of the individuals who perform work for that business.
This is not final by any means, as Dartmouth will appeal the decision to the Board. That is what Northwestern University did when facing a similar ruling back in 2015 involving the Northwestern football program. Northwestern won the case on appeal, largely because a decision in favor of the players “would not promote labor stability.” The NRLB does not have jurisdiction over state entities. While Northwestern is a private university, most NCAA members are public institutions.
Here, though, Dartmouth and the rest of its Ivy League brothers and sisters are private universities, a sign that the men’s basketball team may win on appeal. But even if the Board rules in favor of the players, the decision can be appealed to a U.S. Court of Appeals, and ultimately, the Supreme Court. So, it might be a hot minute until we have a final decision. Buckle up.
If some, if not most, NCAA student-athletes are deemed to be employees in the future, do you know what that sound is you hear? That’s the sound of some good ole union busting! Jeff Bezos on Line 1!
All in all, the NCAA is on the edge of a precipice, there is no doubt about it.3
ENHANCED GAMES
“Drug-friendly sports contest styled as a “modern reinvention of the Olympic Games.” Sign me the hell up. Can’t wait to watch men and women fly around the track like they’re Sonic the Hedgehog on cocaine.
But if the “Enhanced Games” do not have baseball as a featured sport, it’s a massive swing-and-miss.
I’ll certainly watch this competition, but truth be told, the doping Olympics already exists, and it’s called the Olympics. Athletes and coaches just have to be champions in two categories simultaneously: their sport and cat-and-mouse drug testing.
Touché.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
23andMe’s Fall From $6 Billion to Nearly $0
Did you pay a bunch of money to spit in a test tube to find out things about your ancestry and genetic health risks? No judgment, it’s a safe space here. I ask the question, in part, because it appears that not a lot of people are paying to spit in those test tubes anymore!4
Nasdaq has threatened to delist its sub-$1 stock.
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The company has never made a profit and is burning cash so quickly it could run out by 2025.
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At the center of 23andMe’s DNA-testing business are two fundamental challenges. Customers only need to take the test once, and few test-takers get life-altering health results.
I could be wrong on the following assertion, so bear with me: I feel like this newsletter would be way cooler if, beyond the jokes and fun and games, I was a business savant and could dissect failing/failed businesses with ease. “You see, ladies and gentlemen, these are the missteps the company took and this is what I would have done differently to maximize shareholder value.”
Maybe I should go back to school to get my MBA. For the betterment of the newsletter.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
In a full-circle moment, Gillis will host SNL on Feb. 24.
The last coach to get a 15-year show-cause was former UNC Greensboro assistant women’s basketball coach, Phil Collins. He was also a degenerate.
I’m all for the players getting paid, but college football Saturdays, for example, eventually morphing into NFL Lite is going to suck worse than the Great Depression.
Sadly, of course. I will not celebrate a company crashing and burning, or at least on their way to doing so unless they previously wronged me in any way, shape, or form. If they did wrong me, which 23andMe did not, I’d put on face paint, bring the boom box, crack open some cold ones, and have a ball. Take Stitch Fix, for example. I lost a decent amount of money on them after their stock price plummeted. I will organize the parade and do everything I wrote above once they inevitably go belly up. (Their stock price is currently ~$3 per share.)
Another funny AND great article Rex!!