🥞 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 118
IHOP-Applebees; NFL Free Agency + Rodgers for VP?
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Life can be hard sometimes. Take a deep breath and realize that the ultimate medicine is laughter, so you should continue reading.
(Trying to be Gandhi over here, and I think I’m coming up a bit short. Tough start to Volume 118, I’ll be better next time.)
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
IHOP and Applebee’s shared restaurants could be coming to a neighborhood near you
This ain’t it, Chief. The only shared fast-food restaurant experience that America wants, and that America needs, is some combination of KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut — all Yum! Brands companies. They all make sense together. The trio, or duo, are American staples.
IHOP and Applebees, owned by Dine Brands Global, just don’t jive. I suppose you could eat breakfast at IHOP and then waddle your ass over to Applebees for lunch, or have them both at the same time, but that sounds gross. Frankly, that sounds childish — like having ranch with your buffalo wings instead of blue cheese.1
“If you’re a fan of IHOP and Applebee’s, you could soon get your pancake stack with boneless wings on the side.” I’m sorry, but put these people on a watchlist and monitor them closely. The chicken and waffles combo is the only one like this for me.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NFL FREE AGENCY
Some NFL fans love the NFL Draft the most, while others love free agency the most. I love them equally because I’m an NFL junkie. But enough about drugs! The legal free agency tampering period began Monday and a slew of players arranged for moving companies as they found a new home.
It is important to note that the initial free agency numbers, while flashy and gaudy, are rarely the actual reality. Instead, those figures are given to the media by the player’s agent to boost the prestige of the player and agent, generally speaking. The devil at work, quite frankly, and it drives me bonkers.
You may have read something like “X years, worth up to $Ymillion,” but the guaranteed money is what is important. For instance, running back Josh Jacobs signed with the Green Bay Packers. Four years, $48 million. In reality, it’s a one-year, $14.8-million deal (2024 base salary + $12.5 million signing bonus), with three option years for the Packers.
QB Kirk Cousins was sick of the cold and playing for a sad-ass franchise, so he took his talents to the Atlanta Falcons. Warmer weather, for sure, but still a sad-ass franchise! His deal: Four years, $180 million. $90 million guaranteed at signing ($50 million signing bonus + $12.5 million 2024 base salary + $27.5 million 2025 base salary) and $100 million total guaranteed ($90 million + a 2026 roster bonus of $10 million that fully guarantees on the fifth league day of 2025). So, it’s essentially a two-year deal for $100 million. More evidence it is a two-year deal: his cap hit jumps to $57.5 million in 2026 and 2027, while his cap hit is $25 million for this season and $40 million for 2025, both respectable numbers.
At the end of his career, Cousins will go down as one of the all-time swindlers. If he plays two more seasons, his on-the-field earnings will be over $330 million. Playoff victories as of today: One (1).
— — —
From 2020 to 2023, the Packers spent the least amount of money on free agents — by a considerable margin. The Cowboys ranked 31st, spending ~$54 million. The Packers spent ~$21 million. Well, well, well, how the turn tables … because they went on a spending spree on the first day of free agency. They scooped up the best safety on the free agent market in Xavier McKinney (four years, $68 million), who will turn 25 in August, and Jacobs, one of the best free agent running backs. No exact details for McKinney’s contract (as of publication), but Spotrac has his signing bonus as $25 million.
For a minute, the Packers had the best backfield in the entire league after signing Jacobs. But then the news broke that the team released Aaron Jones. So the “best backfield in the entire league” lasted as long as Kim K’s marriage to Kris Humphries.
The move sucks, there’s no other way to shake it, but I understand it. Simply put, Jones is entering his age-30 season, which is ancient for a running back, and is coming off an injury-riddled season. Tough to argue with Gutekunst for pulling the move off.
No. 33 will play next season with the, uh, Minnesota Vikings. So be it. Notable players who played for the Packers and later joined the Vikings: Brett Favre (allegedly sent unsolicited dick pics), Ryan Longwell (wasn’t he kind of a weirdo?), Darren Sharper (definitely a weirdo and is currently behind bars because he is a disgusting human being), and Za’Darius Smith (couple screws loose). Suffice to say, Jones is by far the coolest dude to switch sides.
According to Matt Schneidman of The Athletic, Gutekunst offered a pay cut to Jones, who was slated to make $12 million in 2024, to the tune of $4 million with $2 million in incentives. When that offer was declined, the Packers kicked him to the curb. The Vikings offered him $6 million with $1 million in incentives. I know many will say, or have said, that it’s not that much of a difference. Well, let’s say he doesn’t hit whatever the incentives are. $2 million is a big difference!
Other notable free agent signings:
DT Christian Wilkins —> Raiders (4 years, $110 million)
OL Robert Hunt —> Panthers (5 years, $100 million)
DE Jonathan Greenard —> Vikings (4 years, $76 million)
DE Danielle Hunter —> Texans (2 years, $49 million)
LB Patrick Queen —> Steelers (3 years, $41 million)
WR Gabe Davis —> Jaguars (3 years, $39 million)
RB Saquon Barkley —> Eagles (3 years, $37.75 million)
RB Derrick Henry —> Ravens (2 years, $16 million)
AARON RODGERS STEPPING INTO THE POLITICAL SPHERE?
Aaron Rodgers, an unofficial epidemiologist who has been immunized, is considering parlaying his “wait, is he on drugs?” political ramblings on the Pat McAfee Show into running for political office, according to the New York Times.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a conspiratorial nut job in his own right (I am writing that, not the NY Times), has recently approached the N.F.L. quarterback Aaron Rodgers and the former Minnesota governor and professional wrestler Jesse Ventura about serving as his running mate on an independent presidential ticket, and both have welcomed the overtures, two people familiar with the discussions said.
RFK and Rodgers have been speaking “pretty continuously for the past month.” RFK is expected to announce his decision in the coming weeks, “ahead of deadlines in states that require him to have a vice-presidential pick to petition for ballot access.”
Yet another way for Rodgers to always stay in the news. Helluva football player, but a unique cat. (I’m trying to be nice. But if I weren’t being nice, I would say he’s talked to RFK more in the past month — hell, the past year — than he’s talked to his family in the last handful of years.)
And oh, by the way, Rodgers had some interesting thoughts earlier this year.
"Anything in this building that we're doing that has nothing to do with winning needs to be assessed," Rodgers said. "Everything that we do has to have a purpose ... the (expletive) that has nothing to do with winning has to get out of the building."
Hmmm. Jets fans have suffered for decades upon decades, and their dreams were finally fulfilled when the franchise traded for Rodgers. Only for him to snap his Achilles four plays into the 2023 season and entertain running for Vice President.
MY CHEESEHEADTV VIDEO DEBUT
I joined Aaron Nagler of CheeseheadTV to discuss Relative Athletic Score and the impact that it will have on the Packers’ upcoming draft. You can — should 😉— watch it here.
If you have any complaints, please note that my back has been in shambles for the past week, which has been affecting my brainwaves.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
It’s cold shower time. Be back next week.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
If I were to sprinkle patriotism into the article, I would point out that the combination of IHOP and Applebees is unpatriotic. It’s INTERNATIONAL House of Pancakes, after all, but I’m not going to sprinkle patriotism into this article. That’s why it’s a footnote.