Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 122
Chipotle goer gets too angry; March Madness recaps; Solar eclipse
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
So long to Curb Your Enthusiasm, which had its last episode ever Sunday night. We should all strive to be like Larry David, the show’s creator, by never giving a single bleep about what others think.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Detroit man charged with shooting Chipotle employee over skimpy guacamole portion
Apparently not! SMH. As a personal anecdote, I don’t ask for guacamole when I go to Chipotle because (1) I’m not a huge fan of guac, and (2) money does not grow on trees. But if the portion of guacamole served here is anything like the portions of other menu items I receive at my local Chipotle, I wholeheartedly believe this Detroit man overreacted. I mean, he definitely overreacted by shooting a Chipotle employee, but I would still contend he overreacted even if he called an employee the b word (which he did) and only that. Need to take that anger from a 10 to a 2, buddy boy!
From a 30,000-foot view, the potential felon has very poor manners. Not only because he shot someone for one of the dumbest reasons possible (that goes without saying), but also because he “took a cup and filled it with guacamole” while the cash register was unattended. The disrespect is beyond comprehension. He could have easily been equal parts polite and stern, without using any cuss words, and asked for just a smidge more guacamole — yes, even if this economy — but instead he had to pull out his nine once he was denied the extra CUP of guac by the ultimate victim. Is this the Detroit man’s first time in public, or what am I missing here?
Another question: Would this have happened if Chipotle did not charge extra for guacamole? The world may never know. Thankfully, the victim is expected to recover from the gunshot wound. Prayers for a speedy recovery.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
YOUR 2024 MBB NATIONAL CHAMPION IS …
The 2023-24 UConn Huskies, who defeated Purdue Monday night by 15 points, should be considered the best Men’s NCAA Tournament champion of all time. They had the highest average margin of victory (23.3) of any champion in the history of the sport and achieved that feat despite losing three starters, including their top two scorers, and five of their top eight scorers from a season ago.
"To me, it is more impressive than what Florida (repeated in 2007) and Duke (repeated in 1992) did because they brought back their entire teams," head coach Dan Hurley said, according to ESPN. "We lost some major players."
One year of dominance is impressive, like what Villanova did in 2016 (+124 point differential) and North Carolina did in 2009 (+121), but this two-year stretch by UConn may never be replicated. The Huskies outscored their NCAA Tournament opponents by an average of almost 22 (!!) points per game over the last two tournaments, a point differential of +260. For comparison, the Florida Gators outscored their opponents by an average of roughly 14 points (+171) during their two-year title run, while the Blue Devils outscored their opponents by an average of roughly 13 points (+159) during their two-year title run.
No other team in NCAA history has won all six NCAA tournament games by 13 or more. UConn did it back-to-back.
In fact, according to Sports Illustrated’s Pat Forde, they only trailed for 53 (!!) total seconds in the second half of the last 12 tournament games. Dominance when it mattered the most.
Purdue’s Zach Edey, the National Player of the Year, had another insane stat line, finishing with 37 points and 10 rebounds against the Huskies, but that was UConn’s game plan. Let Edey get his, and shut down Braden Smith, Fletcher Loyer, Lance Jones, and Mason Gillis. “Keep that collective group under 18, 20 points as a group, they had no chance to win no matter how well Zach played,” the two-time national champion head coach said after the game. Hurley & Co. limited those four players to 17 total points on 6-of-22 combined shooting.
The Huskies also did an excellent job of running the Boilermakers off the three-point line. Purdue made 41% of their deep balls during the regular season, the second-best mark in the country, and shot 40% during the tournament before Monday night (8.3 3PM, 20.5 3PA). Matt Painter’s squad made only one of their seven attempts, the latter of which was their lowest output of the season. UConn put a plastic bag over their head and did not let them breathe. Ironic, because that is exactly what the Huskies did to every single opponent they faced in March Madness over the last two tournaments.
YOUR 2024 WBB NATIONAL CHAMPION IS …
The South Carolina Gamecocks, a team that lost all five starters from a season ago, became the 10th women’s college basketball team to finish the season undefeated after they took care of the Iowa Hawkeyes, 87-75. Caitlin Clark willed the Hawkeyes to a seven-point lead after the opening frame, thanks to 18 points of her own in the quarter, but she eventually ran out of steam as she only finished with 30 points (10/28 from the field). This game was, without a doubt, won in the painted area. The Gamecocks outrebounded Iowa by 22 (51 to 29), outscored the Hawkeyes by 16 in the paint (48 to 32), and had 30 second-chance points to Iowa’s 16. Kamilla Cardoso, the Final Four Most Outstanding Player, was a brick sh*t house en route to 15 points and 17 rebounds. South Carolina’s bench was also instrumental in the victory, outscoring Iowa by 37. Freshman Tessa Johnson paced that unit with 19 points. Iowa’s bench players did not score a single point. Not ideal!
The 2024 title was head coach Dawn Staley’s third, and second in the last three years. She is now 109-3 in the last three seasons. A 109-3 record coaching fifth-grade basketball on adderall as part of required community service is one thing1, but a 109-3 record coaching high-major Division-1 women’s basketball without adderall (presumably) is even more impressive.
Speaking of impressive numbers … the total viewership for the Sunday afternoon tilt. 18.9 million viewers were begging Clark to knock down more threes and stop complaining to the refs, or at least some of them were. According to an ESPN press release, it was “the most-viewed women’s college basketball game ever and ESPN platforms’ most-viewed college basketball game (men’s or women’s) on record. The showdown peaked at 24.1 million viewers in the game’s final 15 minutes.” It was also “the second most-watched non-Olympic women’s sporting event ever on U.S. television behind the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup Final between the U.S. and Japan.”
The viewership for the men’s title game? 14.8 million.
ATHLETICS MOVING TO SACRAMENTO
The Oakland Athletics, owned by scumbag John Fisher, are very much a trash organization. The team’s lease at the Oakland Coliseum lapses at the end of the 2024 season, and instead of agreeing to a short-term lease with the City of Oakland before they head to Las Vegas, they were like, “F*ck the Oakland faithful, let’s move to a minor league baseball stadium in Sacramento for the next three seasons!” Mind you, that stadium, home to the San Francisco Giants’ Triple-A affiliate, the Sacramento River Cats, seats 14,000 people and only has one shared batting cage. Sounds like a great setup!
It does not seem that the Athletics were in an untenable situation, either, forced to pay money out of their backside to stay in Oakland for the next three seasons.
From ESPN’s Buster Olney:
It appears that the difference between what Oakland offered and what the A's wanted was about $35 million or so over three years. Or about the same that the Angels are paying reliever Robert Stephenson.
So not only are fans of the team in Oakland getting screwed, but so are some of the team workers.
“There will be a reduction in force, unfortunately, that comes with this,” team president and grade-A jabroni Dave Kaval said, according to The Athletic. “Because we’ll need a smaller staff to operate things, and we’re going to be leaning a little more on the Kings and the River Cats up here.”
Kaval, who pees while sitting down, “acknowledged that both the seasonal, gameday staff as well as permanent, front-office employees potentially could be let go.”
The cherry on top that proves the team’s owner is a clown? Fisher told reporters and others on the concourse of the Athletics’ temporary home that “he can't wait to watch the MLB's top stars like Aaron Judge hit home runs here.”
In other words, can’t wait to see our pitchers get absolutely rocked! 🤡
Did he miss the PR 101 meeting(s) in the days leading up to the press conference, or does he simply not care? Sadly, the answer is probably both.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
SOLAR ECLIPSE
Pretty neat little science project! Dallas was home to a total solar eclipse Monday afternoon. Felt like it could have been the end of the world for a second, as the sky went dark at roughly 1:40 p.m. It was not, so that’s cool. But it was almost the end of the world for this young whippersnapper. As of last week, the hotels in downtown Dallas were 99% booked by Bill Nye the Science Guy wannabees for the spectacle, and they sure as heck got their money’s worth.
I thought about looking directly at the sun to see what it would be like to walk a mile in the shoes of Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder, but I’m not a female nor am I black (no offense) so I decided against it, thinking “What the heck is even the point then?”
View pictures of the eclipse here and a time-lapse here.
Altogether, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to witness the total solar eclipse, and being able to spend it with my dad made the experience even better.
When can the United States expect another total solar eclipse? Aug. 23, 2044, according to NASA, with another one coming in 2045. I’ll be 52 years old when the next one comes in hot, and I’ll probably definitely still have back pain.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
You might be wondering: Is this a specific reference? It is not.
I think UConn trailed Alabama for about 5 minutes so Pat Forde was off in his 52 seconds comment.
Love the article, and thanks for sharing the solar eclipse video. Wasn't as dramatic up here in Wisconsin. So glad you got to see such an amazing occurrence!