🧀 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 123
Lunchables; Masters recap; Ohtani update
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
Dog owners should walk their dogs with a leash strapped on the neck (loosely, of course; I do not support animal cruelty) and all four paws on the ground. Full stop. Putting dogs in strollers, while e’ryone gets some Vitamin D, might be one of the dumbest concepts in the history of mankind. What’s next? Is a dog owner going to wipe the dog’s ass after he or she goes No. 2? Diapers on dogs to make clean-up easier for owners?
Spread the word before this gets out of hand — #PawsOnThePavement.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Consumer Reports asks USDA to remove Lunchables from schools' lunch menus
Consumer Reports going woke??!! Lunchables have been an American staple for as long as I can remember, but this sham organization is calling for them to be removed from the National School Lunch Program “after an analysis found high amounts of sodium and elevated levels of heavy metals.”
First off, there are studies — maybe just one, idk — out there that showed high amounts of sodium aren’t nearly as bad for us as we once thought, so jot that down, Consumer Reports. I will concede, but only slightly, that elevated levels of heavy metals do sound bad, as does “the presence of phthalates, which can impact reproductive health and the human hormonal system.” No bueno.
But, and I know I’m not someone with a science background, it seems to me that only real bad stuff could happen to the kiddos if they are having Lunchables each and every day for lunch for years on end.1 Looks like Consumer Reports is using scare tactics; I’m not falling for them.
And neither is the U.S. Department of Agriculture.
A USDA spokesperson said the department doesn't allow or disallow individual food items, but rather sets requirements for the overall nutritional content of meals on a daily or weekly basis.
"So, the Lunchables described in the article would need to be paired with fruit, vegetables and milk," the spokesperson said. "In addition, a school who wanted to serve a higher sodium product one day has to balance that with lower sodium items on others."
Quiet your mind and kick rocks, Consumer Reports.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
THE MASTERS
It’s Scottie Scheffler’s golf world, and every other pro golfer is livin’ in it.
The Dallas native snatched his second Green Jacket in only his fifth start at the Masters and became, at age 27, the fourth-youngest wacker of the ball in the history of the sport to win two Masters. In only six and a half years as a pro, Scheffler has now amassed over $82 million in career earnings, the sixth most in history. The direct deposit of $3.6 million for winning the Masters would hit like one hella powerful drug.
Scottie Scheffler's last 4 tournaments: WIN-WIN-T2-WIN.
Scheffler ultimately ran away with it on the back nine, punking the competition by making four birdies, en route to a four-shot victory. Another reason why Scheffler was victorious at 11-under par? He was nine-under par on Par 5s. I’m not a golf savant by any means, but that seems pretty good.
Ricky Bobby once said if you’re not first, you’re last, but Ludvig Åberg from Sweden (-7) should still be pumped with his second-place finish. This year’s Masters was the 24-year-old’s first major tournament and he had only won once on the PGA Tour. He’ll take home $2.16 million buckaroos (minus taxes, obvi). Still, the young whippersnapper was in contention until he sank one in the drink on the 11th hole, resulting in a double bogey.
Speaking of whoopsie daisies, the two players who finished in a tie for third (-4), Max Homa and Collin Morikawa, each made crucial mistakes that solidified Scheffler’s big dub. Homa hit into some vegetation on Hole 12, which forced him to take a one-stroke penalty and resulted in a double bogey. Morikawa, meanwhile, had two double bogies in a three-hole span (9 and 11).
Finally, a special S/O to Verne Lundquist. He covered his 40th and final Masters on Sunday, putting to bed his legendary broadcasting career. Lundquist is known for so many great calls in so many different events: Christian Laettner’s turnaround buzzer-beating shot against Kentucky in the 1992 Regional Finals, figure skating in the 1994 Winter Olympics (Tonya Harding), the 2005 Masters when Woods sunk that chip for birdie, George Mason’s upset over UConn in the 2006 Regional Finals, and the Kick Six in 2013, among others. And yet, we shall never forget his commentary in Happy Gilmore.
OHTANI’S INTERPRETER HEADED TO THE SLAMMER
So after all of the theories, what-ifs, and funny memes, it turns out Shoei Ohtani actually did get swindled by his interpreter and confidant, Ippei Mizuhara. The final tally? More than $16 million was stolen between November 2021 and January 2024 to fund Mizuhara’s degeneracy.
Text messages inspected by the authorities between Ohtani and Mizuhara showed no mention of gambling.
So how did Ohtani get got? Mizuhara linked Ohtani’s bank account to Mizuhara’s phone number and email address, and he falsely identified himself as Ohtani to bank employees in order to wire transfer money to his bookie several times. For example, on June 20, 2023, Mizuhara accessed Ohtani’s account and wired $500k to “an associate of Bookmaker 1.” Moreover, in February 2022, Mizuhara called Ohtani’s bank, identifying himself as Ohtani and attempted to wire funds to one of the bookies for a “car loan.” No dice and a freeze was put on the account. Later that same day, though, Mizuhara successfully answered a security question, lifting the freeze/suspension.
Mizuhara had plenty of “aha” opportunities to make his gambling frenzy a one-time endeavor after several wires did not go through early on — he started placing bets in Sept. 2021 — but he locked in and preserved. And not in a good way.
On or about Jan. 2, 2022, Mizuhara asked one of the bookies if he could reload his account because he “lost it all.” Did he learn his lesson? Not a chance, because two weeks later, he texted one of the bookies, “Fuck I lost it all lol … can you ask [Bookmaker 1] if he can bump me 50k? That will be my last one for a while if I lost.”
“Bumps” = increases to Mizuhara’s line of credit
Narrator: that was not the last one for a while. He asked for one in March and more throughout 2022.
For example, he messaged one of the bookies in November, “I’m terrible at this sport betting thing huh? lol … Any chance u can bump me again?? As you know, you don’t have to worry about me not paying.” When Ohtani is bankrolling you (without his knowledge, mind you), anything is possible! He asked for another “bump” in December, writing “I swear on my mom this will be the last ask before I pay it off once I get back to the states.” Mizuhara asked for more “bumps” in 2023; you would think he was a cocaine addict with all of those bumps, not a gambling addict.
Fast forward to November 2023, and one of the bookies was about to swing at Ohtani’s kneecaps because he could not get ahold of Mizuhara. “I’m here in Newport Beach and I see [Ohtani] walking his dog. I’m just gonna go up and talk to him and ask how I can get in touch with you since you’re not responding?”
Mizuhara wasn’t just losing his shirt at sports gambling, he was also losing it at crypto, according to the complaint. A gambler through and through. He was down so bad, he messaged one of the bookies in November 2023, “Just wanted to ask, is there any way we can settle on an amount? I’ve lost way too much on the site already.”
Make no mistake about it: Mizuhara had ants in his pants in regard to sports gambling. Fire ants that make you sting while you pee (don’t quote me on that, though, please). He placed an average of 25 bets per day between Dec. 2021 and Jan. 2024, with the dollar amounts ranging from $10 to $160k per bet. The $10 bet was definitely one he thought was going to get him back in the win column. He lost a total of $40,678,436.94 (~$142 million winning bets and ~$183 million losing bets).
That’s a lot of dough flushed right down the drain. Imagine if he invested in some index funds instead. He wouldn’t be headed to prison, that’s for sure.
To top it all off, in classic “he did what exactly?” fashion, Mizuhara texted one of the bookies on March 20, 2024 “admitting that he had stolen funds from [Ohtani],” according to the complaint. “Technically I did steal from him,” Mizuhara wrote, presumably with an Eeyore face. “It’s all over for me.” Damn right it is, buddy boy. He faces “a maximum fine of up to $1 million and/or up to 30 years in prison, according to federal sentencing guidelines.”
If you’re wondering how all of this got past Ohtani’s team, which includes his agent and financial advisors, Mizuhara told them that Ohtani’s account was “‘private’ and that [Ohtani] did not want anyone else to monitor that account,” according to the complaint. “[Ohtani’s agent] stated that he did not confirm these representations directly with [Ohtani] but stated that he had no reason not to believe Mizuhara.”
Due diligence is important - who woulda thought!
ALL OUT OF OJ
OJ Simpson, a helluva football player who was a five-time All-Pro honoree and rushed for over 2k yards in only 14 games in 1973.
Also an awful human being. Even though was found not guilty in the well-covered and known murder trial, I think we, or at least most of us, know he murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman. Nevertheless, he was later sentenced in 2008 to 33 years in prison for armed robbery and kidnapping. He was released in December 2021.
In a wild coincidence, over 22,000 Ford Broncos were recalled the same day that Simpson left Planet Earth.
SHAKEUP AT KENTUCKY
The University of Kentucky, one of the college basketball bluebloods, will have one of its own manning the sidelines next season. Mark Pope, the former coach of the Fightin’ Joseph Smiths and captain of the 1996 title team, takes over for John Calipari, who took his talents to Arkansas.
It seems like most Wildcat fans were up in arms about the hire initially, which makes sense when the rumored candidates included Danny Hurley, Scott Drew, Billy Donovan, and Nate Oats. But I think they have decided to wrap their arms around Pope and his three wives2, as evidenced by a sold-out Rupp Arena for Pope’s opening press conference. Pope also helped his case by having players from the ‘96 team walk out of a bus, like they did after they won the title, in Rupp Arena. Electric factory.
Pope asked the hillbillies in attendance what they thought of playing a home-and-home with St. John’s, coached by Rick Pitino, the orchestrator of the ‘96 team. It is now in the works.
NBA PLAYOFFS SET
Still with me? Cool, cool. I’m a casual NBA fan — the most casual, to be frank — so here goes nothing.
The Oklahoma City Thunder and the Boston Celtics are the No. 1 seeds in their respective conferences. And with that designation, OKC became the youngest team in NBA history to clinch a No. 1 seed, with an average age of 23.9 years. The Thunder are led by guard Shai-Gilgeous-Alexander, who averaged 30.1 PTS, 6.2 AST, 5.5 REB, and 2.0 STL per game this season.
The Los Angeles Lakers play the New Orleans Pelicans in one of the Western Conference Play-In games (Tuesday, 6:30 p.m. CST on TNT) to decide the No. 7 seed, with the loser playing the winner of Golden State-Sacramento (Tuesday, 9:00 p.m. CST on TNT) to decide the No. 8 seed. The two seed is the reigning champ, the Denver Nuggets.
Nikola Jokić & Co. will look to become the fifth team since the turn of the century to win back-to-back titles (Los Angeles Lakers, 2000-02; Lakers, 2009-10; Miami Heat, 2012-13; Golden State Warriors, 2016-17).
The NBA’s 2023-24 scoring leader was Dallas Mavericks superstar, and my homie, Luka Doncic, who finished with a scoring average of 33.9 points per game. His squad, the No. 5 seed, will face off against a common playoff foe, the Los Angeles Clippers. The two squads met in the first round in 2020 and 2021, with the Clippers winning both series. Kawhi Leonard is reportedly battling “knee inflammation” and has missed the last eight games. Another knee injury for Leonard — go figure!
The Minnesota Timberwolves earned the No. 3 seed after winning 56 games, the most they have won since the 2003-04 season. That season is also the last time they won a playoff series. They’ll have to get past Kevin Durant and the Phoenix Suns.
Let’s discuss the crummy Eastern Conference, which is surely the Celtics to lose! The Orlando Magic are back in the postseason for the first time since the 2020 NBA Bubble and will look for their first series victory since the 2010 Playoffs as they take on the Cleveland Cavaliers, the No. 4 seed.
The Bucks, the No. 3 seed, might be cooked. ESPN’s Adrian Wojnarowski reported Tuesday that the team is “preparing to be without two-time MVP Giannis Antetokounmpo for the start of their Eastern Conference first-round series against the Indiana Pacers, but are hopeful treatment on his left calf strain will allow him to return sometime later in the series.” This series will be all offense and not a lick of defense. In Doc We Trust!
The New York Knicks, led by Jalen Brunson (28.7 pts, 6.7 AST, and 3.6 REB per game), are the No. 2 seed after putting up a 50 burger in the win column this season, the most wins in franchise history since the 2012-13 season. They will face the winner of Philadelphia-Miami (Wednesday, 6:00 p.m. CST on ESPN) in the opening round. The loser of the first Play-In contest will meet the winner of Atlanta-Chicago (Wednesday, 8:30 p.m. CST on ESPN) to decide the No. 8 seed. The Hawks finished 10 games below .500. Pee-ew. For comparison sake, the Kings and Warriors, the bottom two seeds in the West, each finished 10 games over .500.
Let the games begin.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
Ugh, back next week.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
I could be way off with such an assertion.
He actually only has one wife, but it’s funnier to lean into the BYU/Mormon connection.