⛽ Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 126
Kwik Trip the GOAT; NBA, NHL, and PGA Championship Recaps; New Section!
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
I got a massage over the weekend (non-DeShaun Watson variety). The masseuse wasn’t a yapper, but she liked to talk. That didn’t turn out well for her. She asked me if I was going to play some pickleball later in the day due to the nice weather. I thought about responding with: “what a preposterous question, I wouldn’t dare play that ‘sport.’”
I did not respond that way because I have respect. Rather, I didn’t tip her.1 Important to send a message when you are greeted with a silly — nay, stupid — question.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Kwik Trip named 2024 Best Gas Station Brand in the country by USA TODAY 10Best
In related news, water is wet. No #FakeNews by USA TODAY!
Here are three things I miss the most about Wisconsin: (1) Family, (2) Friends, and (3) Kwik Trip. The climate in Wisconsin could change to Antarctica or Kenya, and I would be elated — comparable to how Bill Clinton felt after he found out he could stay in office after his sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky — to return to the Dairy State as long as I was able to walk into Kwik Trip and get a small chocolate milk (diet started Monday) and cheese-filled breadsticks.
I don’t ask for much. Yet, Kwik Trip exceeds my expectations every single damn time. The bathrooms are cleaned by someone who took too much adderall. Love to see that. Every other gas station bathroom looks like a trailer park, with piss stains on the floor. The food, of which there are practically countless options, is always hot and fresh. The employees are some of the most personable people I have ever come across in my 32 years of life. The gas is great (OK, that’s a stretch). Finally, the Rewards are elite.
State and/or federal personnel could launch an investigation into heinous acts by Kwik Trip. My immediate response:
Because Kwik Trip is the best and can do no wrong in my eyes.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NBA PLAYOFFS
And then there were four. The Indiana Pacers, by far the most unlikeable team remaining in the playoffs, played Pop-A-Shot against the injury-riddled Knicks in Game 7. They shot 67.1% from the field, an NBA playoff record. The Knicks cut into the lead in the third quarter, only for Jalen Brunson to leave the game with an injury. Tough to make a comeback when your best player is in the locker room. Hard-hitting analysis you won’t see anywhere else.
I hope the Boston Celtics demoralize the Pacers — snap them in two like they’re breaking kindling to make a fire — but I think it will be a close series. Indiana cooks offensively and they have legitimate depth. Meanwhile, it is unclear when Celtics forward Kristaps Porziņģis will return to the lineup, and Boston’s bench depth leaves a lot to be desired. Nevertheless, put me down for having the Celtics reach the NBA Finals for the second time in three years.
Over in the West, where they play high-level basketball and not Pop-A-Shot, the Dallas Mavericks are headed to the Western Conference Finals for the second time in three years. Is it time to change the narrative on head coach Jason Kidd?
There were undoubtedly some question marks about whether Shai Gilgeous-Alexander fouled P.J. Washington on a three-point attempt with seconds remaining in Game 6, which lead to three made free throws that clinched the 117-116 victory. I’ll be short and sweet: I respect the refs’ calls when they benefit my team.
At any rate, Luka and Kyrie dominate the headlines, and rightfully so, but a big reason why Dallas is headed to the WCF is the stellar play of the role/secondary players. Dereck Lively II finished with 12 points and 15 rebounds (+26) in the series-clinching Game 6 victory, becoming the third rookie in an elimination win since 1980 to produce at least 10 points and 15 rebounds, according to ESPN’s Tim MacMahon. The other two rookies: Magic Johnson and David Robinson. Good company! Derrick Jones Jr. was also huge (22 PTS, +18), hitting a tough shot with a little over a minute left to give the Mavs a five-point lead. P.J. Washington, a midseason acquisition, shot almost 50% from deep for the entire series and averaged nearly 18 points per game.
The Mavs will meet the Minnesota Timberwolves and their ‘85 Bears defense. It appeared that the Denver Nuggets were well on their way to making the WCF for the second consecutive year, clinging to a 20-point lead with under 11 minutes left in the third quarter. The Timberwolves went on a 28-9 in the rest of the quarter. A Stone Cold stunner. Minnesota got clutch baskets down the home stretch by a lot of guys not named Anthony Edwards. Non-star players, ladies and gentlemen. They matter, and because of them (and Ant), the T-Wolves are back in the WCF for the first time since 2004. Good for them and the entire state because the fanbase has suffered long enough.
Since 2000, the four Minnesota pro sports teams — Timberwolves, Vikings, Twins, and Wild — have made seven Conference Championship appearances (Twins in 2002, Wild in 2003, Timberwolves in 2004 and 2024, and Vikings in the 2000 season, 2009 season, and 2017 season). Zero championships. Maybe this is the year for a title. Over my dead body. Mavs in 7.
PGA CHAMPIONSHIP
At the ass crack of dawn on Friday (read: around 5 AM local time), a Louisville PD detective — a certified dumb dumb — presumably felt he didn’t have enough power and macho energy in his life, so he decided to be the star of the show and arrest Scottie Scheffler. The police report made it seem like Scheffler had a need for speed and did not #BackTheBlue, as Scheffler navigated the road closure by refusing to comply with orders from the try-hard “and accelerated forward, dragging Detective Gillis to the ground.” (Police reports are inadmissible in court, by the way.) Worst of all: Detective Dipshit’s $80 pants “were damaged beyond repair.” The audacity of Scheffler, a God-fearing man. He was charged with second-degree assault of a police officer, a felony, and three misdemeanors.
Conveniently, Gillis “either wasn’t wearing a body camera Friday morning or didn’t have it activated when he encountered Scottie Scheffler outside Valhalla,” according to WDRB News. Kevin Van Valkenburg reported Sunday that “Jefferson County prosecutors are planning, as of now, to drop the charges against Scottie Scheffler.” That has not happened. Yet. An arraignment was scheduled for Monday but was rescheduled for June at the request of Scheffler’s attorney.
Despite the coo-coo-for-cocoa-puffs arrest, Scheffler shot 66 on Friday, proving that inmates can successfully reintegrate into society (if they’re rich and uber-talented). The Dallas native did not wear an orange polo, though, for his Friday round or in the last two rounds. He and/or his marketing team should have been quicker on their feet. I mean, Scheffler had plenty of time in his jail cell to cook up ideas to capitalize on the arrest. Instead, he did some light stretching in his jail cell. Phew that it didn’t take place anywhere else, which could have presented a whole new set of problems.
Okie dokie, let’s discuss the actual golf! I understand that golf purists might have a differing opinion, but I do not care — the 2024 PGA Championship was a Mickey Mouse tournament, not only because the world’s best golfer got arrested by a glorified mall cop but because of the stupidly low scores. I won’t be a complete dick, though, so I’ll first congratulate Xander Schauffele, the wire-to-wire tournament champion at -21,2 who finally broke through after nine career top-10 finishes in major championships. Let’s head back to Disney World — the field’s combined score was TWO HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN UNDER PAR (-214), the lowest combined score in PGA Championship history. The next lowest combined score in PGA Championship history? +40! I’m a lawyer, not a mathematician, but that’s a 254-stroke difference for those keeping track at home. Xander, with his zipper collar that would have got him roasted worse than a hen at the hen house in the event he lost, went to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Sunday to turn in his scorecard.
Again, congrats to Xander, and also S/O to second-place finisher Bryson DeChambeau, who all of a sudden is way more likable. Had Schauffele not made a birdie on 18, there would have been a playoff between the two golfers. Let the record reflect that I would not have thought for a second to call it a Mickey Mouse tournament if there was a playoff.
NHL PLAYOFFS
Here’s what I got: the Florida Panthers and New York Rangers, who had an insane comeback in Game 6 of the semifinals, were the top two playoff seeds in the Eastern Conference. They will meet in the Conference Finals. There should be fireworks. I will always opt in for that.
Florida and New York are the third and fourth top offenses in the entire playoff field, averaging 3.70 and 3.50 goals per game respectively. Their power plays are excellent (31.4% for New York and 23.7% for Florida) and the Panthers are second in shots on net (34.0 per game) which would only add to the potential firepower these two teams could generate on one sheet.
On the other side of the bracket, the Dallas Stars (#TooBlessedToBeStressed as a sports fan here in Dallas), who beat the Colorado Avalanche in double-overtime to clinch the series, will face off against the Edmonton Oilers. The Oilers’ offense is humming — led by Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl — while Dallas goalie Jake Oettinger has allowed an average of 2.27 goals per game, with a save percentage of .914 during the postseason.
🤓 BATH TIME PONDERING 🤓
New section alert! Bath Time Reading is not getting the ax completely. Instead, I want to shake things up a little bit. Humbly, I have been told by many I ask really good questions, so I figured I would ask y’all a question every so often that you can ponder for the week ahead. Watch me royally screw up this first question, leaving many of you wondering whether I’m blowing smoke up your keister.
Which would you choose: (A) $100k salary at your current (or last) job for the next one (1) year, or (B) $200k working at a morgue, where you may have to handle dead bodies every week and constantly deal with grieving people, for the next one (1) year?
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
Calm down, I tipped her. I’m not a monster.
It was the lowest score ever in a major tournament.