🎾 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 132
Assassination attempt; Wimbledon; Botched National Anthem Performance
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
The United States of America may be falling apart at the seams, but at least EA SPORTS College Football 25 is here to cure the scaries.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
TRUMP SURVIVES ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT
Let me start off by writing that there could be a lot of jokes to be made about this situation, but you will not read those from me. If I were a full-time comedy writer, I would be firing those bad boys off like Steph Curry from three, like a drunk male college student shootin’ out 2am Hail Mary “U up?” texts to his sneaky link(s) and/or any female he’s remotely interested in. But I’m not a full-time comedy writer and have a job to protect.
With that out of the way, I have two points.
First, the Secret Service and law enforcement appeared asleep at the wheel. It’s 2024, with political divisiveness at an all-time, which equates to a whole bunch of nut jobs running around thinking they should take matters into their own hands. As a result, the Secret Service and law enforcement must always be locked in. Head on a swivel. Thinking on their feet at lightning speed. Instead, they appeared to be thinking and reacting like the love child of Patrick Star and Eyore.
From an active duty military member, with more than 20 years of experience:
I have no fucking clue what they are doing. I'm still trying to wrap my head around a building being 150 yards away that was outside the security perimeter and had rooftop access. I've trained with and completed against the SS snipers and they are the fastest and most accurate shooters I've ever seen. The fact they let this happen makes less than ZERO SENSE!
It could have been a breakdown in communication between the local/ state police and SS. It could have been poor planning due to campaign fatigue. It could have been DHS not assigning enough assets. One heard theories that the shooter was using subsonic ammo which is less accurate at distance and might have had a bad zero on the weapon.
Plus, the Walmart version of the Mayor of Flavortown, with a fat wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth, and some compadres allegedly saw the 20-year-old gunman and notified the authorities.
“We were like, ‘Hey, man, there’s a guy on the roof with a rifle.’ And the police were like, ‘Huh?’ Like they didn’t know what was going on. We were like, ‘Hey, right here, on the roof. We can see him from right here. He’s crawling.’”
Yikes.
Second, I’m curious if the assassination attempt will be one of the guiding reasons behind a Trump victory in November.1 On one hand, it’s the ultimate rallying cry and campaign message: They impeached me, but I was acquitted; someone tried to kill me, but I’m still here. Not to mention, after Ronald Reagan was shot in 1981, almost three months into his presidency, he saw his approval rating increase by eight percent immediately after the assassination attempt. On the other hand, people seem to have short memories. We’ll see how it plays out.
🛁 EXTRA EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
‘Nailed the guy’: Nudists tackle ‘pirate’ after random attack on tourist in the Castro
OK, now on to the funny stuff! Would you rather take straight flames to the face via a flamethrower and have your face look like an overly charred, dirty grill, or have the meal ticket stay intact but be saved by two naked guys?
Depends on a lot of things, really.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
WIMBLEDON
Was Sunday’s match a changing of the guard? Carlos Alcaraz toyed with Novak Djokovic, beating the seven-time Wimbledon champion in straight sets, 6-2, 6-2, 7-6 (4). It was the Spaniard’s fourth Grand Slam title, and homeboy is only 21 years old. Rafael Nadal, Rodger Federer, and Djokovic — the Big Three in tennis lore — did not achieve their fourth major title until they were 22, 23, and 24, respectively.
Alcaraz also became the sixth player in the Open Era to win the French Open and Wimbledon in the same season. The five other players are tennis legends (Rod Laver, Bjorn Borg, Nadal, Federer, and Djokovic).
One final piece of history for Alcaraz: he is now the second men’s tennis player to start his career with a 4-0 record in Grand Slam Finals. The other? Federer. Here’s to Alcaraz staying healthy for the long haul …
On the women’s side, Barbora Krejcikova, the 31st seed out of 32, survived a three-set match in the opening round and went on a heater in the subsequent rounds en route to her second major title, as she defeated someone who I’ve never heard of (nor have you, in all likelihood), 6-2, 2-6, 6-4.
BOTCHED NATIONAL ANTHEM
Fergie’s national anthem performance at the 2018 NBA All-Star Game walked, so Monday’s national anthem performance ahead of the 2024 MLB Home Run Derby could run like Usain Bolt.
Ingrid Andress, a country music artist and four-time Grammy nominee, completely and utterly bombed the assignment. She literally could not have performed any worse. She sounded like a 12-year-old girl doing karaoke in front of her family and friends at a birthday party. You don’t want to laugh because you don’t want to be mean, but you know deep down you would rather listen to nails on a chalkboard.
Well, sadly, Andress was under the influence of alcohol, per a social media announcement posted from her accounts Tuesday, and will check into rehab. I sincerely hope she gets the help she is seeking.
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
For transparency purposes, I will not cast a vote for either presidential candidate in November. I will still exercise my right to vote in connection with state and local matters.