🥇 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 135
Lotta chicken wings stolen; Olympics Recap; Sketchy South Carolina police officers
Happy Tuesday Wednesday, y’all!
I threw a baseball Tuesday night for the first time in, quite possibly, 15 years. I thought I would wake up needing reconstructive surgery on my right shoulder. Instead, I woke up and felt like a million bucks. #BuiltDifferent
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
School employee gets 9 years in prison for stealing $1.5 million worth of chicken wings from district
Holy hell in a handbasket, er, deep fryer, that is a lot of chicken wings.
The food service director for Harvey School District 152 got lost in the sauce and “ordered more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings from the school district’s food provider and picked up the order in a district cargo van” from July 2020 to February 2022. And the kids didn’t get to lick their fingers after eating any of them because the wings were never delivered to the school. She was, quite literally, like:
It is unclear what the culprit did with the wings, and I won’t speculate because Tubz Unfiltered possesses journalistic integrity of the highest order, but I hope with all of my might that the beneficiaries used blue cheese because dipping those bad boys in ranch would be the most heinous crime in this context.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
OLYMPICS
The 2024 Summer Olympics concluded Sunday, and the U.S. of friggin’ A. finished with the most medals, tallying 126. China finished in second with 91, followed by Great Britain (65), France (64), and Australia (53). Let’s collectively put our First Amendment rights in a pipe and smoke it to celebrate.
The Chinese government-owned media might tell a different story in that part of the world, but let the record reflect that the United States tied China for the most gold medals (40). Like kissing your sister, but with a mask on. Congrats to all of the medal winners.
MEN’S BASKETBALL
Wardell Stephen Curry II is the greatest shooter of all time, and his gold medal performance was yet another masterpiece. In fact, people should be calling him an American hero and one of the greatest Americans to ever live, even though he opposed public housing near his mansion in the past.1
In his first and likely only Olympics, Curry (24 PTS & 5 AST) was unconscious in crunch time against France, hitting nothing but nylon shot after shot to lead the Men’s Basketball squad to their fifth consecutive gold medal. After Victor Wembanyama (26 PTS & 7 REB) cut the United States’ lead to three with under three minutes left, Curry went 4/4 from deep, including the ultimate dagger over two defenders with ~30 seconds left. It was like he painted the Mona Lisa with his eyes closed after smoking just a wee bit of peyote. Exquisite.
It is likely the end of an era, with Curry, LeBron James, and Kevin Durant all set to retire from Olympic play. Helluva way to go out because the last two games were all-timers.
Other notes:
Curry became the fifth player in NBA history “to win at least four NBA Championships, two Most Valuable Player Awards, and an Olympic gold medal,” joining LBJ, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Bill Russell.
LeBron James is 39 years old, and he showed no signs of slowing down in Paris. He led the team in minutes played (24.3), assists (8.5), rebounds (6.8), and field goal percentage (66%), and was second in scoring (14.2). He was named the tournament’s MVP.
“Jrue Holiday joins Scottie Pippen as the only players to win an Olympic gold medal and an NBA title in the same summer - twice. Pippen did it in 1992 and 1996. Jrue did it in 2021 and 2024.”
There were a fair amount of questions surrounding Jayson Tatum’s lack of playing time throughout the Olympics. An explanation might exist. He “finished the Olympics and exhibition games 0 for 16 on jump shots, per Synergy (h/t Jason Timpf).” Don’t shoot the messenger!
WOMEN’S BASKETBALL
Don’t call it a dynasty, call it a gotdamn stranglehold of the competition. The United States Women’s Basketball squad won the gold medal once again, outlasting France in the finals, 67-66. It’s their eighth gold medal in a row, an Olympic record. The Women also have now won 61 consecutive games.
A’ja Wilson, the tournament MVP, chipped in 21 points in the deciding game and led the team in points (18.3), rebounds (10.2), and blocks (2.7) per game
With the U.S. Women and Men beating France in their respective title games, do you know what that sound is? It’s the sound of another Statute of Liberty arriving.
WOMEN’S SOCCER
We are so back. After settling for the bronze medal at the last Olympic Games and crapping the bed at the 2023 World Cup (Round of 16 defeat), the Women’s Soccer team knocked the proverbial door down with both feet as they beat Brazil, 1-0, thanks to the foot of Mallory Swanson in the 57th minute. She is married to Chicago Cubs shortstop Dansby Swanson, who is slashing .231/.300/.356/.656 OPS this season. Pretty clear to me who the best athlete is in that household.
Read more about the squad’s triumphant return to national prominence here.
WOMEN’S 400M HURDLES
Imagine Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone doing the sit-and-reach test in gym class during her youthful years. She probably looked like the second coming of Gumby. She broke her own world record in the finals of the 400-meter hurdles, clinching her second gold medal in the process. She won the gold medal at the same event at the 2020 Olympics (in 2021).
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
South Carolina Cops Target Out-of-State Drivers for Highway Robbery
Cash is king when you’re a South Carolina policer looking for a payday.
During Operation Rolling Thunder, “the annual five-day law enforcement blitz that turns a 20-mile stretch of freeway between Charlotte, North Carolina, and Atlanta, Georgia, into a gauntlet for travelers,” it appears that officers have a lot of freedom in deciding what constitutes a traffic violation. In one instance, a blue Tesla with out-of-state plates was pulled over because the driver was “driving in the left lane while not actively passing.”
They searched the car because they claimed they smelt the devil’s lettuce. Of course, the devil’s lettuce was not found “or narcotics of any type, nor did they find stolen merchandise, fake IDs, weapons, or anything else illegal. All the deputies found was an unspecified amount of cash, which is not a crime to carry.”
This situation was not a one-off. In total, $968,611 was confiscated during Operation Rolling Thunder in 2022, an average of $194,000 per day.
How can they do this? Through civil forfeiture, which allows the government — usually police officers — to take, and eventually keep or sell, property “that is allegedly involved in a crime or illegal activity. Owners need not ever be arrested or convicted of a crime for their cash, cars, or even real estate to be taken away permanently by the government.”
And the government almost always wins in court; the Department of Homeland Security has a 98.6% success rate, according to the article.
Civil forfeiture requires property owners to pay for their own attorney, which many cannot afford. Most cannot navigate the system by themselves either. Because of these hurdles, people frequently cut their losses and walk away.
…
Even if property owners make it to trial, they still face long odds. It's their word against that of law enforcement officers, who typically testify that property owners fit the drug courier profile for boilerplate reasons such as carrying cash in envelopes or vacuum-seal pouches.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz