🧃 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 137
New Capri Sun; NFC Preview
Happy Tuesday Thursday, y’all!
A bit late, but I can explain. I have been in a wheelchair since Wednesday morning after doing yoga Tuesday night for the first time since the US of A ended its combat mission in Iraq. Actually a big-brain move on my part to request a wheelchair when I went into my work office because they now can’t fire me as I’m disabled.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
CAPRI SUN SET TO INTRODUCE STRAWLESS DRINKS
What is going on? We used to be a proper country. Trying to fit the yellow straw into a narrow hole was one of the hallmarks of my youth — similar to burning myself on a metal slide and getting whiplash on the monkey bars — and now Capri Sun thinks they get people like me back in the game by introducing a bottle full of Capri Sun? What are they smoking?
The bottles will come in three flavors: Fruit Punch, Strawberry Kiwi, and Pacific Cooler, with potential room for additional flavors, according to Snackolator.
Thankfully, it appears the OG pouch will not go to the wayside, so some of us can put down our proverbial pitchforks and stand by for now. But if the introduction of the bottle eventually means the OG pouch gets discontinued, I hope Capri Sun goes bankrupt. Harsh, perhaps. Justified, you betcha.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NFC PREVIEW
I predicted the over/under win totals for each AFC team in Volume 136, so it’s only fair and just that I do so for each NFC team.
In 2022, I acted as if I needed a seeing eye dog, going 5-11, but I bounced back last season and showed y’all I have 20/20 vision because I was seeing the board well, finishing with a 9-6 record. (I skipped predicting the over/under win total for the New York Giants, but there will be no such skips this year.)
Reminder No. 1: Please email your complaints to takealap@gmail.com.
Reminder No. 2: I have never crunched the numbers to see if the win totals add up correctly, and I won’t start this year. I’m not auditioning for a role in Good Will Hunting or Rain Man.
Over/under win totals are via FanDuel as of last Tuesday.
Carolina Panthers (over/under 5.5 wins)
I really like the addition of head coach Dave Canales, who should be able to maximize the play of second-year quarterback Bryce Young. Then again, there’s nowhere to go but up for Young, who had one of the worst rookie seasons for a QB in NFL history.
The Panthers also beefed up their interior offensive line, but rookie running back Jonathan Brooks is sidelined for at least the first four games of the season as he recovers from a torn ACL and Chuba Hubbard ain’t HIM (as the kids say). Not ideal!
On the other side of the ball, the defense lost star edge rusher Brian Burns. Also not ideal! Their defense could easily be the worst in the league.
Prediction: Under 5.5 wins
Washington Commanders (over/under 6.5 wins)
I’m going to put my stake in the ground and predict that QB Jayden Daniels is going to be the Rookie of the Year. Does QB Caleb Williams (more on him later), the ‘24 Draft first overall pick, have better weapons than Daniels? Sure, but Daniels is going to create a bunch more plays with his legs, and he has a cannon for an arm. He’s electric. Plus, running backs Brian “Many Men” Robinson and Austin Ekeler could be pass-catching machines, easing the burden for the ‘23 Heisman Trophy winner.
Full disclosure: I’m pretty much putting this into the universe because it would be hilarious to see Williams not win the award as Bears fans believe he is their savior and the best thing since, well, the last quarterback they drafted.
At any rate, head coach Dan Quinn should be able to work his magic on the defensive side of the ball. This team is going to compete and play hard in 2024.
Prediction: Over 6.5 wins
New York Giants (over/under 6.5 wins)
Ever since winning Super Bowl XLVI against Tom Brady and the New England Patriots in 2012 (2011 season), the Giants have been one of the worst teams in the NFL, averaging roughly six wins per season over that stretch. They also only have one playoff win (2022). This year, Daniel Jones, who is coming off a torn ACL, re-assumes the QB1 responsibilities, and he is like the quarterbacks cast in movies (read: he can’t throw the football well). The team also lost do-it-all running back Saquon Barkley.
Simple math play.
Prediction: Under 6.5 wins
Minnesota Vikings (over/under 7.5 wins)
I know quarterback Sam Darnold saw ghosts at one point in his career and has been a fairly bad gunslinger since arriving in the NFL, but I’m high on Darnold and this offense. Solid offensive line, one of the best wide receivers in the league in Justin Jefferson, a poor decisionmaker outside of the building but a good wide receiver on the field in Jordan Addison, a nice one-two punch in Aaron Jones and Ty Chandler, and a top-end tight end in T.J. Hockenson once he returns from the IR. Altogether, Darnold is gonna sling it around the yard; it might be to the other team more times than Minnesota fans would like, but that’s the Sam Darnold Experience.
Defensively, the secondary won’t be able to stop a nosebleed whatsoever, but the front seven has enough quality dudes to get after the quarterback.
Prediction: Over 7.5 wins
New Orleans Saints (over/under 7.5 wins)
The Saints are pretty booty cheeks, and while they did enough down the stretch last season to get into playoff contention, only to miss the postseason by one game, I don’t think that will be the case this season. They have one good wide receiver. Running back Alvin Kamara is likely washed like a dude’s underwear after he accidentally poops himself. The offensive line is a mess. And the defense has pretty much zero pass rush. Oh, and their head coach, Dennis Allen, is a complete and utter moron.
I would hate to be a Saints fan.
Prediction: Under 7.5 wins
Seattle Seahawks (over/under 7.5 wins)
Out is legendary head coach Pete Carroll, in is defensive savant Mike Macdonald. And as a result, I believe the Seahawks will return to being a shutdown defense. The squad also welcomes Ryan Grubb as offensive coordinator, the architect of the prolific University of Washington offense that made the national title game last season.
QB Geno Smith is good enough, and I expect a big second-year jump for WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba.
Prediction: Over 7.5 wins
Arizona Cardinals (over/under 7.5 wins)
I love the additions of wide receiver Marvin Harrison Jr. and running back Trey Benson in the draft to surround QB Kyler Murray with more talent, and while I do think they will improve upon their four-win campaign in 2023, I don’t see them winning eight games.
Six of their first eight games are against 2023 playoff teams, and they also host the New York Jets in Week 10. The schedule gets easier from there, but they still have to play the Rams and 49ers in Week 17 and 18, respectively.
Prediction: Under 7.5 wins
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (over/under 7.5 wins)
How much did QB Baker Mayfield benefit from the tutelage of Canales? Is he due for a major regression? Count me as a fan of his weapons — WR Chris Godwin and Mike Evans, and RBs Rachaad White and Bucky Irving — so we’ll see how it shakes out.
The defense’s pass rush was dog water last season, and I don’t think they did enough to improve it this offseason. I haven’t played Madden 25 yet, but even I know that a lack of a pass rush is a problem. The defense also lost OLB Shaquil Barrett and ILB Devin White. I can’t see them getting to eight wins.
Prediction: Under 7.5 wins
Los Angeles Rams (over/under 8.5 wins)
Future Hall of Fame DT Aaron Donald retired over the offseason, and the team traded starting MLB Ernest Jones earlier this week. But they at least replenished their secondary, so the defense has that going for them.
The biggest question mark is whether QB Matthew Stafford stays healthy. If he does, the Rams are easily a playoff team. I’m banking on Stafford’s health, which could turn out to be very silly in hindsight.
Prediction: Over 8.5 wins
Chicago Bears (over/under 8.5 wins)
The Bears still suck. They could have hit this new era out of the park and established themselves as a potential NFC contender for years to come if they fired head coach Matt Eberflus at the end of the 2023 season, but they didn’t do that because they’re the Bears and they’ve been tripping over themselves for the past decade-plus. So instead, they’ll get to eight wins in 2024, leading to Eberflus and his entire staff joining the unemployment line and Williams going through another coordinator change, his third in as many years, stunting his development. Because they’re the Bears and they’ve been tripping over themselves for the past decade-plus.1
Prediction: Under 8.5 wins
Green Bay Packers (over/under 9.5 wins)
If the Packers’ defense is as inconsistent in 2024 as they were under former defensive coordinator Joe Barry, I might get hooked on prescription drugs to numb the pain (kidding). In all seriousness, the defense should be better, thanks in large part to the arrival of safety Xavier McKinney. The offense also has the potential to be one of the best units in the league. There has been a lot of off-season chatter about the lack of a true WR1, but the fact of the matter is that the wide receiver room is deep as hell. Everything else will sort itself out.
Back to the defense. I swear to all that is holy if the defense lets me and other Packer fans down again this year, I’m going to lose it and laser off what little hair I have remaining on my head to send a message that enough is enough.
Prediction: Over 9.5 wins
Atlanta Falcons (over/under 9.5 wins)
I’m all about the Falcons this year. That’s not to say they will go to the NFC Championship — new QB Kirk Cousins is allergic to those games — but they will easily win the NFC South. They got rid of mush-brain Arthur Smith, who was the head coach and called the plays, and I fully expect new offensive coordinator Zac Robinson to utilize the talent on that side of the ball. The only thing that concerns me is Cousins coming off an Achilles injury, but thankfully they drafted QB Michael Penix with a top-ten pick!
Prediction: Over 9.5 wins
Dallas Cowboys (over/under 9.5 wins)
In roughly two weeks (read: after Week 1), I will retire my Cowboys fandom, so I’m going to go out guns a-blazin’ and predict that, yes, they will lose before the Conference Championship Game yet again, but they will at least win the division because they still have QB Dak Prescott, WR CeeDee Lamb, and edge rusher Micah Parsons on the squad, with Fat Mike calling the plays.
Prediction: Over 9.5 wins
Detroit Lions (over/under 10.5 wins)
I didn’t buy the hype last season, but I will not make the same mistake again this season. HC Dan Campbell has plums of steel. They arguably have the best offensive line in the game. Offensive coordinator Ben Johnson is a Michelin-star chef. Helluva 1-2 punch at running back. And it turns out that Jared Goff is far better than the game manager tag he was previously assigned.
The secondary was Swiss cheese in 2023, but they used their first two drafts to address the deficiency. Putting your faith in two rookies isn’t a bullet-proof strategy, but defensive coordinator Aaron Glenn will put the pieces together and make it work.
Prediction: Over 10.5 wins
Philadelphia Eagles (over/under 10.5 wins)
There reportedly was some drama brewing in Philadelphia last season between head coach Nick Sirianni and QB Jalen Hurts. You can read the full story here. As a result of that, coupled with the fact that the Eagles were awful in the latter part of the 2023 season, this could be a do-or-die season for the head coach.
Regardless, I love the Eagles’ offense, as they added Barkley, and A.J. Brown and Devonta Smith form one of the best receiving duos in the entire league. And even though the offensive line lost Jason Kelce, one of the best centers in the game, to retirement, that unit should be more than fine.
The defense frightens me, though. Their secondary STINKS.
Prediction: Under 10.5 wins
San Francisco 49ers (over/under 11.5 wins)
They have the best roster in football, although there is roster turmoil as the best left tackle in the game, Trent Williams, is currently holding out, and wide receiver Brandon Aiyuk has been traded 6,000 times on the internet. Assuming those guys suit up for the Niners in 2024, they will be the best team in the NFC. This is likely the last year of the Super Bowl window, too, given that QB Brock Purdy is due for a massive extension, leading to a big ole cap conundrum in 2025. Thus, I would think that would create a heightened sense of urgency.
Prediction: Over 11.5 wins
🤓 BATH TIME PONDERING 🤓
Your salary increases by 50%, but you can’t watch sports (for the sports watchers) or (for the non-sports watchers) watch your favorite genre of TV for an entire 12 months. Do you take that deal?
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
It would not surprise me if Chicago won 10 games. But it won’t because they’re the Bears and they’ve been tripping over themselves for the past decade-plus.