🐭 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 142
Disney Adults busted by Government; CFB, NFL, MLB Recaps; Pondering
Happy Tuesday, y’all!
My neighbor has been blowing his leaves at the ass crack of dawn in recent days. I will be marching my way to the Town Hall of ********, CT, to advocate for a mandatory minimum sentence for such a heinous act.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
A couple took 31 trips to Orlando and vacationed at Walt Disney World using government funds, prosecutors say*
You see, this is why Disney Adults are deranged individuals (respectfully). That conclusion is not based off the fact they committed fraud — that’ll happen to the best of America (hopefully not any of you). Instead, it is based off the fact they committed fraud and carried it out by taking 31 trips to Orlando gotdamn Florida and sit their asses on rides that were designed for young children and have breakfast with cartoon characters.
A federal judge sentenced Chantelle Boyd, 53, on October 2 to six months of home confinement and two years of supervised release. Her sentencing came four years after police arrested her and her partner, 61-year-old Thomas Bouchard, in 2020.
Bouchard oversaw the US Army Natick Contracting Division in Massachusetts, a contracting service for the Defense Department. He used his connections to get Boyd hired for a "no-show job" as an assistant, prosecutors said.
Chantelle “also traveled to Maryland, Virginia, Alabama, and Clearwater, Florida.” If you’re going to defraud the government, you need to go big or go home, with “go home” meaning don’t be a criminal. Maryland, Virginia, Alabama, Clearwater (FL), and Orlando (FL) don’t exactly scream luxury. It screams, for the most part, trailer park trash with a side of Cracker Barrel, but that’s just me.
Bouchard was ordered to pay $487,658.87 in restitution. Anything that helps us cut into the national debt.
*You can read the story for free by entering the above link on this website.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
CFB WEEK 6 RECAP
A week full of upsets. Before we get to them, I would like to put on the record that I’m all the way back on the Badgers (unless they lose to Rutgers on Saturday; in which case, I will go right back to saying they are worse than a poopy diaper). Wisconsin dismantled Purdue, 52-6. The Boilermakers are one of the worst teams in the FBS, bar none, but the type of offensive performance the Badgers had makes me believe offensive coordinator Phil Longo no longer crafts the playbook with crayons. Put more professionally, that is the Air Raid offense we were all promised. The 589 yards of total offense were the program’s highest yardage output since the 2001 season.
In other games … Saturday was like a toxic ex for over a fourth of the ranked teams — something you wish you never experienced. Seven ranked teams collected an L over the weekend, the most in a weekend since the 2018 season, according to Ben Stevens. Not to mention, three top-ten teams lost to unranked teams; the last instance of that was on November 12, 2016. Saturday was also “the first day multiple AP top-5 SEC teams lost to unranked opponents. Ever,” according to ESPN’s Cole Cubelic.
(1) Alabama lost to Vanderbilt, 40-35, at a construction site. Kalen DeBoer’s honeymoon is so over, and Alabama’s defense is in shambles. The Crimson Tide, according to a video I watched on Twitter, played Cover-1 Robber defense over and over again. As a result, Vandy knew exactly what was coming. Back to the drawing board!
(4) Tennessee lost to Arkansas, 19-14, in Fayetteville, and Tennessee star quarterback Nico Iamaleava ran out of bounds on the game’s final play, instead of attempting a throw to the end zone. And that’s why it’s important to go to class.
(25) Texas A&M spanked (9) Missouri with a belt on its bare ass, 41-10. The Cult Aggies produced 512 yards of total offense.
(10) Michigan traveled to Washington and forgot that a football game is four quarters as the Wolverines were outscored 13-0 in the final period, dropping their first B1G game of the season, 27-17.
Minnesota hit pretty boy Lincoln Riley and (11) USC with an oar and put the clamps on the Trojans in the fourth quarter, clinching a 24-17 victory at home thanks to two fourth-quarter runs by QB Max Brosmer and a game-sealing interception in the red zone. P.J. Fleck probably thinks he can now solve the homeless problem in Los Angeles.
(22) Louisville lost to my beloved SMU Mustangs, 34-27. SMU, led by QB Kevin Jennings (21/27, 281 passing yards; 10 carries, 113 rushing yards, 1 touchdown), scored the game-winning touchdown with under seven minutes and picked off the Cardinals on the ensuing possession. Sucks to suck, Louisville.
And (25) UNLV — I guess UNLV and Texas A&M were both ranked 25th, don’t shoot the messenger — lost to Syracuse in overtime, 44-41.
And there would have been eight ranked teams to pick up an L as if it was an apple at an overpriced farm, had (8) Miami not erased a 25-point deficit against Cal.
BOISE STATE RUNNING BACK IS A CHEAT CODE
Get to know Ashton Jeanty, who is putting up video game numbers for the Broncos. The junior running back, through five games, has amassed 1,031 yards on 95 carries, an average of 10.9 yards per carry. He already has 16 touchdowns, two more than he had all of last year. Mind you, he only played in the first half against Portland State (11 carries for 127 yards) and against Utah State this past weekend (13 carries for 186 yards, three touchdowns).
Barry Sanders holds the record for the most rushing yards in a single season (2,628), set in 1988 when Oklahoma State was a member of the Big 8. Through five games, Sanders had 1,002 yards, so Jeanty is technically on pace to break Sanders’ record.
Only two running backs have come close to breaking Sanders’ records in the last 25 years: Wisconsin’s Melvin Gordon in 2014 (2,587, which includes his bowl game) and UCF’s Kevin Smith in 2007 (2,567, which includes his bowl game).
Jerry Jones is foaming at the mouth to draft Jeanty.
NFL WEEK 5 RECAP
COMMANDERS 34 BROWNS 13: What a stretch it has been for Washington fans. They are no longer terrorized by former scumbag owner Dan Synder. The team is 4-1. And QB Jayden Daniels is an electric factory. He totaled 238 passing yards and added 82 yards with his feet in yet another convincing dub, becoming “the first player in league history to have at least 1,000 passing yards and 250 rushing yards in his first five career games,” per ProFootballTalk. Daniels’ QB counterpart in this one, No. 4, is really bad and was really bad on Sunday. Tubz Unfiltered will no longer refer to No. 4 as Massage Boy. Instead, he will be known as DeSucksAtFootball (workshopping, standby).
I know the offensive line is banged up, but his accuracy has been god-awful through the first five weeks and his body language is that of a toddler who was told he can’t have ice cream for breakfast. It is abundantly clear to everyone with half a brain and one good eye that Watson is not a quarterback worthy of being a starter in the National Football League, and yet the Browns will reportedly continue to trot him out there, instead of turning to QB2 Jameis Winston, which would unequivocally put more asses in the seats. Such a decision is likely coming from ownership/the front office due to Watson’s fully guaranteed contract that will torpedo the team’s roster construction plans for years to come. I would be shocked to find out Kevin Stefanski, a two-time NFL Coach of the Year honoree, looks at the tape week after week and says to himself and the offensive coaching staff, “We can work with this.” They have the 8th-worst Offensive DVOA through the first five games since 1979! Watson STINKS. He doesn’t have it anymore.
DeSucksAtFootball’s Adjusted Yards Per Pass Attempt (AY/A)1 through the first five weeks: 4.54 (30th in the NFL among qualified quarterbacks)
DeSucksAtFootball’s AY/A in 2020: 9.50 (2nd, 18th all-time)
Deshaun Watson has more settled lawsuits (23) than touchdown passes (19) since being traded to the Browns
Put his lawyer in at QB
RAVENS 41 BENGALS 38 (OT): On second and goal, with Cincinnati up by 10 with under six minutes remaining, QB Lamar Jackson showed why he is the reigning MVP. He bobbled the shotgun snap, stiff-armed DE Sam Hubbard, scrambled to his right, and threw a dart across his body off one leg to TE Isaiah Likely for six. Jackson finished the rivalry game with 348 passing yards (26-of-42) for four touchdowns and 55 rushing yards. The Bengals had a chance to win the game in overtime, but the holder completely botched the snap, leading Evan McPherson to shank the kick. On the first play from scrimmage on the following drive, Derrick Henry ripped off a 51-yard rush to the Bengals’ six-yard line. Justin Tucker nailed the game-winning chip shot to improve Baltimore to 3-2.
After amassing 92 yards on the ground, Tractercito became the fifth player in NFL history to accumulate 10,000 rushing yards and 100 scrimmage touchdowns in their first 125 games. With running back workhorses becoming a dying breed, we might not see a back like Henry in a very long time, possibly ever. Joe Burrow balled out in the loss, which dropped the Bengals to 1-4. He was 30/39 for 392 yards and five touchdowns (1 INT), with a 137.0 passer rating. Love that for him, but he’s gotta fix his hair because he looks like a high schooler who sells crappy marijuana to students while wearing a hump necklace and cargo shorts (derogatory).
VIKINGS 23 Jets 17: Two weeks ago against the New England Patriots, Aaron Rodgers looked like vintage Aaron Rodgers. In London against Minnesota, he looked like a washed old man who needs to retire and find some hobbies. He threw three interceptions, including one in Minnesota territory with under a minute left to seal the victory for the Vikings. (In his defense, he threw his patented back-shoulder pass to WR Mike Williams, albeit slightly underthrown, but Williams didn’t turn his head in time.) Earlier in that drive, Rodgers pump-faked and had Garrett Wilson open down the sideline, only to overthrow him.
Sunday turned out to be the last game of HC Robert Saleh’s tenure. He is the first coach that owner Woody Johnson has fired during the season, which is really saying something because Adam Gase, a certified dumb-dumb, was once the head coach in the Meadowlands. Johnson said the decision was “my decision and mine alone,” according to ESPN, but you and I both know Rodgers had a heavy hand in that decision.
Saleh had a 20-36 record over three-plus seasons. Great defensive mind, awful head coach. My question: why didn’t the Jets make a move after last season, when the head coaching crop was as strong as it has been in recent memory? Evidence that J&J vaccine distorts minds.
MLB PLAYOFFS
GUARDIANS V. TIGERS - SERIES TIED, 1-1
Those gotdamn pesky Tigers. SP Tarik Skubal gave the Guardians a swirly in Game 2, tossing seven shutout innings while striking out eight. And while Cleveland closer Emmanuel Clase is the best at what he does (he allowed five earned runs during the regular season, per ESPN’s Jeff Passan), the clock struck midnight, at least for one game. He gave up a three-run ding-dong in the top of the ninth to Kerry Carpenter that proved to be the game-winner. I don’t like Kerry as a first name whatsoever, but Jesus was a carpenter so he’s got that going for him.
ROYALS V. YANKEES - SERIES TIED, 1-1
NYY SP Carlos Rodón was cruising in Game 2 until clamps were put on the wheels and the car was taken to a sketchy impound in the top of the fourth. Salvador Pérez hit a solo shot to tie the game at 1 apiece, and the Royals added four more hits in the inning to take a 4-1 lead. Jazz Chisholm socked a homer in the bottom of the ninth, but that was it for the Bronx Bombers.
It may be in the best interest of the sport for Commissioner Rob Manfred to divert the Royals’ plane to the Middle East and spend some time with the troops because the ratings would sink worse than the Titanic without the Yankees in the ALCS.
PHILLIES V. METS - SERIES TIED, 1-1
I hate the Mets, for obvious reasons. They scored five runs in the top of the 8th in Game 1 on the back of five singles to win 6-2, but the Phillies avenged the loss with a walk-off win in Game 2. Bryce Harper hit a two-run bomb shot in the bottom of the 6th and Nick Castellanos followed with another homer to tie the game at 3. Brandon Ninmo hit a solo shot in the top of the 7th to give the Mets a one-run lead, but that was erased when Bryson Stott hit a two-run triple. J.T. Realmuto tacked on another run in the following AB to give Philly a 6-4 lead. Of course, the Mets responded, courtesy of a two-run homer by Mark Vientos in the top of 9th. But Castellanos sent the Philly Psychos home happy after hitting a two-out single in the bottom of the inning.
Game 3 is 2-0 Mets in the bottom of the 6th inning as of publication (~6:45 p.m. EST). These mofos are going to make it to the NLCS, aren’t they?
DODGERS V. PADRES - SERIES TIED, 1-1
Live look at the Padres against LAD in Game 2. San Diego emptied the clip on Los Angeles, 10-2.
In the last three postseason series (9 games), Mookie Betts has two hits in 39 plate appearances (31 ABs) and one RBI, including zero hits in his last 22 ABs. No need to be an analytics nerd to know that ain’t gonna cut it.
🤓 BATH TIME PONDERING 🤓
I've been watching Season 7 of Love is Blind. One of male contestants is an uber rich art dealer based on his own admissions, but he experienced immense tragedy as he lost several members, including both parents and grandparents, to cancer over a three-year span. He is an only child. So …
Would you rather be very wealthy — read: millions and millions of dollars — but have no immediate family (hey, kind of like Aaron Rodgers, sort of!), or live paycheck to paycheck but have your immediate family alive and well?
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
It is essentially a quarterback efficiency stat. The formula: (pass yards + 20*(pass TD) - 45*(interceptions thrown))/(passing attempts)