Happy Whatever Day It Is, y’all!
If you’re on your phone and you don’t hear your significant other saying something to you, which prompts them to get annoyed, respond with this: “Sorry, I was researching how to say I love you in a different language.”
Undefeated move.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Orleans Parish Prison Break
10 — count ‘em up! — inmates escaped from a Orleans Parish Prison last Friday through a sinkhole, leaving behind the following message, “To Easy LoL.” I don’t think LoL means Lots of Love in that situation. And while I hate to correct people when they make a grammatical mistake, I feel like it is my civic duty to alert the inmates — via my newsletter, definitely not in person or via snail mail — that they should have written, “Too Easy LoL.” I’m all for trash talk, but let’s ensure we have our English language ducks in a row before doing so. From one writer to another.
Since last Friday, “three other people have been charged with helping them: a maintenance worker who allegedly shut off the water at their request, and two women accused of helping them with transportation or food after the jailbreak.”
Did teamwork make the dream work in this scenario? I don’t think so!
Regrettably, half of the escapees are still on the run as of Thursday morning, according to USA Today.
Allow me to highlight two of the inmates who are headed back to prison.
The first person to be apprehended, Kendall Myles blew his cover after he went on Instagram Live and declared, “I’m fresh out.” Well, he’s fresh back in prison now. This wasn’t the first time he escaped from the slammer, either. He “busted out of Bridge City,” according to Myles’ victim, who was not notified when Myles escaped the most recent time. Myles was initially charged with second-degree attempted murder.
Gary Price was the fourth person to be captured as he reportedly was caught sleeping on a bench. He will now likely be sleeping in solitary confinement. Price was initially charged with, according to a report, “first-degree attempted murder, assault, domestic abuse battery, assault with a weapon, and criminal damage.”
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NBA PLAYOFFS
Did the New York Knicks choke in Game 1, or were the Indiana Pacers on a heater of all heaters?
Karl-Anthony Towns and OG Anunoby missed key free throws down the stretch, Aaron Nesmith was hotter than Pamela Anderson in Baywatch as he nailed five triples in the last four minutes of regulation, and Tyrese Haliburton sunk a game-tying two-pointer that bounced vertically off the rim and dropped in to send the game to overtime as the Pacers snatched Game 1 from the Knicks, 138-135.
Haliburton finished with 31 points and 11 assists. Imagine if his dad was at MSG. He would have confronted every New York player one by one after the final buzzer sounded, saying to KAT, “Who’s Big Papi now?”
Up 14 with just under three minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, the Knicks’ win probability was 99.7%. In fact, “NBA teams were 0-970 when down by 14 or more points in the final 2:50 of regulation in the playoffs over the last 27 postseasons,” according to Keerthika Uthayakumar.
An improbable, wild finish, but it was not the Pacers’ first rodeo this postseason in pulling a rabbit out of their ass. They erased deficits against the Milwaukee Bucks and Cleveland Cavaliers with less than a minute to go in the prior two rounds, and HC Rick Carlisle’s squad was at it again Wednesday night.
Two plays that stood out in crunch time (beyond the barrage of Nesmith threes): (1) Jalen Brunson appeared to put too much mustard on a pass to Anunoby with 30 seconds left in regulation, which ended in a turnover and led to a three on the other end by Nesmith to cut the lead to two; and (2) Obi Toppin converted a double-pump slam in the waning seconds of overtime to give Indiana a three-point lead. The difficulty level of that shot was higher than people probably realize; he did so as if he were in the Dunk Contest.
I have no idea how the Knicks come back from the massive letdown.
— —
On the other side of the bracket, the Oklahoma City Thunder put the Minnesota Timberwolves in a wheelchair and pushed them down the stairs in Game 1 Tuesday night, as the Thunder outscored the Wolves by 30 in the second half. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, who was named MVP on Wednesday, finished with 31 points, 9 assists, and 5 rebounds. Anthony Edwards, on the other hand, finished with 18 points and a plus/minus of minus-23.
OKC was the top defensive team during the regular season. If they keep on applying the same defensive pressure and looks as they did during the second half of Game 1, that series might be over in short order.
STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS
My Dallas Stars are back in the Conference Finals for the third consecutive postseason after taking care of the Winnipeg Jets in six games. They are now facing off against the Edmonton Oilers, who breezed past the Las Vegas Golden Knights in five games. “The Oilers are the first Canadian team to make consecutive conference finals appearances since the Toronto Maple Leafs in 1993 and 1994,” according to ESPN. Edmonton is the much deeper team, while Dallas is top-heavy — 26 of the Stars’ 32 postseason goals have been scored by five players.
In Game 1, the Stars scored five unanswered goals in the third period, with the raucous crowd shouting, “Tariff that,”1 for a 6-3 victory.
— —
The Florida Panthers, the defending champs, tied cinderblocks around the ankles of the Toronto Maple Leafs and pushed them into Lake Ontario, scoring three goals in six minutes in the second period of Game 7 to win 6-1. They continued the scoring barrage against the Carolina Hurricanes in Game 1 of the Conference Finals, totaling five goals.
PGA CHAMPIONSHIP
It’s Scottie Scheffler’s world, and we are living in it. The Highland Park native took home his third career major in runaway fashion at Quail Hollow in Charlotte, North Carolina.
He’s the best golfer we’ve seen since Tiger Woods. No questions asked.
Only three golfers have won three majors and at least 15 PGA Tour tournaments: Scottie, Tiger Woods, and Jack Nicklaus.
Only three golfers have won at least two Masters, at least two Player Championships, and one PGA Championship: Scottie, Tiger, and Nicklaus.
And as far as we know, Scottie doesn’t (and likely won’t) cheat on his wife with a waitress(es) at Denny’s. That’s gotta count for something!
CALEB WILLIAMS
The Chicago Bears have been a quarterback wasteland for eternity, a place where gunslingers go to die, so much so that QB Caleb Williams had no interest in being drafted by the franchise and schemed with attorneys “to figure out a way around the league's collective bargaining agreement while considering signing with the United Football League,” according to ESPN’s Seth Wickersham’s new book, "American Kings: A Biography of the Quarterback.
To pile on the Bears’ sad state affairs, Williams met with Minnesota Vikings head coach Kevin O’Connell at the NFL Combine ahead of that year’s draft and told his dad, “I need to go to the Vikings.”
I have to give credit to Nail Polish Boy, though. He knew then-offensive coordinator Shane Waldron was a mouth-breathing dumb dumb, and he was 100% spot-on. I don’t blame him for wanting any part of Waldron’s ineptitude.
Ultimately, GM Ryan Poles selected Williams with the first overall pick in the 2024 NFL Draft. But last season was not without growing pains, highlighted by the fact that Williams had no idea how to watch film. “No one tells me what to watch,” Williams told his dad. “I just turn it on.”
From Hall of Fame QB Kurt Warner:
I never once had a coach sit down and teach me HOW to watch film!!! I might gleen from watching film with them, but no one walked me through it! I watched, asked questions and developed my own means of prep based on what I needed! Not saying the coaches should not have asked, they are coaches & should def know & help coach this, but I don’t think a class in watching film is a “normal” practice at the NFL level (at least based on anything I’ve witnessed)!
The “savior” of the franchise was initially willing to play for a team like the San Antonio Brahmas rather than the Bears. That’s how much of a joke franchise Chicago is. We’ll see if new head coach Ben Johnson can turn it around.
🤓 BATH TIME PONDERING 🤓
In the spirit of the inmates’ escape, what would be your plan of action after breaking out of the clink?
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz
This is satire. They didn’t actually say that.