Happy Tuesday Thursday, y’all
I’m a Bravo guy now. It is what it is. Never thought I would become a Bravo guy, but life is full of surprises. (I don’t watch Bravo by myself, for the record.) For those unfamiliar with Bravo TV, allow me to catch you up to speed. The Bravo shows all follow the same script in the sense that they are trash programming with elite, can-not-look-away drama. I feel better about myself after watching them.
In sticking with the “let’s get to know Tubz a little bit more,” here is my latest Google search:
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Kentucky man known as ‘Cowboy Cody’ released raccoon into packed restaurant in misguided revenge plot: ‘Seen some crazy stuff’
There’s pettiness, and then there’s drunken, meth-might-be-involved, redneck Kentucky pettiness.
Jonathan Mason (peep his mug shot in the article — skincare routine should be implemented ASAP), referred to by Murray, Kentucky locals as “Cowboy Cody,” was charged with second-degree assault and third-degree criminal trespassing, among other charges, after he released a wild raccoon into the Big Apple Grill and Bar.
Mason, who never tasted a Long Island Iced Tea with a splash of moonshine he did not like, reportedly entered the bar last Friday night, despite the bar previously banning the 40-year-old “over a drunken mule incident.” Thus, he was asked to leave the premises.
The guy loves involving animals in his drunken escapades. Can you blame him?
Instead of simply abiding by the order to leave the bar and going on his merry way, he summoned his raccoon friend to turn the tables. “Apparently he had trapped a raccoon earlier in the day on his farm and he had been carrying it around with him.”
The critter was eventually apprehended, but not before an inexperienced raccoon corraler “tried to snatch the furry fiend by his tail. It bit him … and he had to get rabies shots.” Sorry, but that dude has no one to blame but himself. Rule of Nature No. 9: Never grab a raccoon by the tail. Everyone knows that, or at least should.
If Mason were quicker on his feet, he could have simply re-entered the bar later in the night with a Davy Crockett coonskin hat, made with the raccoon he trapped, and everything would have been fine. I think that’s Appalachian law.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
NBA PLAYOFFS
If the Indiana Pacers wind up losing the NBA Finals, their play in the fourth quarter of Game 4 will be to blame. Indiana shot 5-of-18 from the field, including a big ole donut (0/8) from deep.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander finished with 35 points, including 15 in the final quarter, and his jumper with roughly two-and-a-half minutes left gave the Thunder a one-point lead, their first of the second half. (He definitely should not have been called for an offensive foul, seeing as how he practically pushed the defender down to create separation.)
Bennedict Mathurin was the hero in Game 3, but he unintentionally became the villain in Game 4 — in the worst possible way. He missed back-to-back free throws with the Pacers trailing 107-103 and followed that up with an off-ball foul during a side out-of-bounds that gave the Thunder one free throw, which SGA converted. Mathurin had another chance at the line seconds later to cut into the lead, but only made one of two. In sum, he missed three of four free throws in roughly four seconds of game time.
Another headline from this game: ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, a handsomely paid employee who pretends to know what he is talking about on ESPN’s NBA Countdown, was caught playing Solitaire during game action. Instead of saying, “you know what, my bad, I wasn’t locked in on the game,” he lied and said it was during a timeout and can “multitask.” A fan clearly caught him in 4k playing Solitaire while the ball was in play.
I understand it, though. When you’re locked in on Solitaire or Sudoku or any game like those, it doesn’t matter what’s in front of you. It could be the most gorgeous woman in the universe. It could be savory wings and an ice-cold beer. It could be your job. Who cares. When you’re in a groove playing those games and on a heater, the dopamine hit is too intense to resist.
You could say Stephen A. is a clown because of this encounter. I won’t push back against that notion. But here’s the thing with Stephen A.: If you view him solely as a paid actor cosplaying as a sports commentator, most everything he does is pretty funny.
Back to the basketball … In Game 5, OKC Thunder forward Jalen Williams turned in a legendary performance, finishing with 40 points, 6 rebounds, and 4 assists in the 120-109 victory. On the other side, Tyrese Haliburton turned in a stinker of a performance. Although he was hobbled by what has now been diagnosed as a calf strain, he finished with a mere four points and did not register a single made field goal. Overrate that!
OKC’s season-best defense once again showed up down the stretch. As the saying goes, defense wins championships, and the Thunder will look to make that statement come to fruition Thursday as they seek to close the series out on the road in Indiana.
As of early Thursday afternoon, Haliburton “has every intention to go out and try to play in Game 6,” according to ESPN’s Shams Charania. If he does play, a torn Achilles is waiting to happen.
STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS
For the second time in as many years, the Florida Panthers are Stanley Cup Champions. They are the third franchise this century to win back-to-back Cups, joining the Pittsburgh Penguins (2016, 2017) and Tampa Bay Lightning (2020, 2021), after dismantling the Oilers in Game 6, 5-1.
Even though the series went six games, don’t let that fool you because the Panthers dominated. They led for nearly 256 minutes against the Oilers, “a new record for a championship series in NHL history,” and threw Edmonton around like a rag doll in the first period throughout the series, “outscoring the Oilers 9-0 with a 95-53 advantage in shot attempts.”
Sam Bennett took home the Conn Smythe Trophy (read: MVP) after tallying a postseason-leading 15 goals, including five goals in the Stanley Cup Final.
A tip of the cap to Brad Marchand, the team’s engine. Acquired at the deadline from the Boston Bruins, Marchand finished with six goals in the Stanley Cup Final and 10 total goals in 23 games.
“What he's meant to this team ... I truly don't think we win a Stanley Cup without him. His leadership, his will to win, it's inspiring. I was telling him before every game, 'We're going to follow you.' And we did. He was a dog every night. He for sure could have won this trophy," Bennett said, according to ESPN. "He's a better player and person than I ever knew, and I'm grateful that I got to play with him."
U.S. OPEN
J.J. Spaun, who shot five-over on the front nine of the final round of the 125th U.S. Open at Oakmont Country Club, sank a 64-foot birdie putt to capture the title.
The victory was Spaun’s second win on the PGA Tour. And before this year’s U.S. Open, his best major finish was tied for 23rd at the 2022 Masters. Even crazier: 2025 was only his second appearance at the U.S. Open, with the first coming in 2021 when he did not even make the cut.
Spaun hit a bomb off the tee on 17, which landed on the green and led to a birdie. He also scored a birdie on 12 after a stellar approach shot from the thick stuff. In total, he shot three under par on the back nine.
RAFAEL DEVERS TRADED
The Boston Red Sox traded away their franchise cornerstone, Mookie Betts, in 2020 for peanuts, on the heels of the superstar being eligible for a big ole contract extension. Five years later, the Red Sox are back on their bullsh*t, albeit to a lesser extent in my opinion, as the franchise traded away superstar Rafael Devers to the San Francisco Giants for, well, peanuts once again. SP Kyle Harrison, one of the assets the Red Sox received in return, was immediately optioned to Triple-A. (The franchise also received SP Jordan Hicks as well minor league prospects James Tibbs III and Jose Bello.)
Even worse, ESPN’s Buster Olney reported that Craig Breslow, Boston’s President of Baseball Operations, did not shop the superstar to garner the best trade package (h/t Andrew Callahan).
Yikes-o-rama.
On the plus side for the Boston ownership group, the Giants will absorb the remaining $255 million left on Devers’ 10-year, $313.5-million deal signed in 2024, as reported by The Athletic. Bet your bottom dollar they will still raise ticket prices, though! Gotta save up enough money to eventually buy the Las Vegas NBA team.
The groundwork for the trade was, in a way, laid back in Spring Training. The team wanted to move Devers off of third base, to which Devers responded with (and I’m paraphrasing): “Quit smoking crack, I’m a third baseman and not moving.”
The musical chairs continued.
Once 1B Triston Casas got hurt early in the season, the team asked Devers to play first, after the franchise cornerstone was slated to be the permanent designated hitter.
“There was just this lingering resentment that I think went both ways,” ESPN MLB insider Jeff Passon told Rich Eisen. “From Devers’ side, the lack of communication, or [lack] of clear communication, from the organization. And from the organization’s side, it’s like, ‘Dude, we’re paying you thirty-plus million dollars a year, do what we ask.’
“The Red Sox … looked at not just the relationship with Devers, but the fact that he is signed through 2033, when he’s going to be 36 years old, for a quarter billion dollars, and probably looking at mostly DH reps, and felt like that money could be better spent elsewhere.”
The looming question: Will the Red Sox, a franchise notorious for pinching pennies as of late, actually spend it elsewhere?
Ultimately, Northeast residents may be down in the dumps about the loss of yet another Red Sox superstar, but at least Karen Reed is a free woman!
COLLEGE WORLD SERIES
Some fans of the Arkansas Razorbacks baseball team might want to see what the commotion in Iran is all about.
Leading 5-3 in the bottom of the ninth against the LSU Tigers after scoring two in the top half of the frame, the Razorbacks authored one of the all-time choke jobs in the history of the sport and missed a golden opportunity to force a winner-take-all rematch to advance to the MCWS Finals.
First batter: strikeout
Second batter: Ball hit to the first baseman, errant throw (not even in the same stratosphere) to the pitcher covering the base. Batter advances to second.
Third batter: Walk
Fourth batter: Groundball to the shortstop. Tailor-made 6-4-3 double play to end the game. Think again! The shortstop had too much nicotine in his system, so his brain short-circuited and threw to third instead. At least he got the out.
Two outs, runners on first and second.
Fifth batter: Line drive to left field, definitely should have been caught. The game should have been over — again! Narrator: It was not, as the left fielder got a bad jump on the ball, appeared to slip, and had the ball bounce off his shoulder. Both runners scored. Tie game.
Two outs, runner on second. New pitcher.
Sixth batter: Line drive off the second baseman’s glove, trickles into the outfield. Ballgame, blouses. LSU advances to the Finals.
A walk in the park while listening to sappy music is one way to soothe the emotions for Razorback fans; jumping off a bridge in Omaha with traffic underneath is another.
Sports can be cruel as hell.
🤓 BATH TIME PONDERING 🤓
“What’s the most outlandish hill you’re willing to die on?”
My answer: For certain heinous crimes, we should bring back public executions.
A little bit more tame: Semi trucks should never be allowed on highways/interstates.
Let me know your answer by replying to this email, and it could be featured in Volume 175!
— — —
From Volume 171: If you could undo/change the outcome of one moment in sports or pop culture history, what would it be?
One subscriber’s answer: I’m a Pirates fan having grown up there. This whole inning was a disaster.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz