🐶 Tubz Unfiltered - Volume 90
Dog eats passport prior to overseas wedding; 'The Blind Side' back in the news; AFC over/under predictions
Happy Monday, y’all!
Do you, from time to time, listen to the same song or the same few songs continuously for an ungodly amount of time until you snap out of the trance because, in a weird way, it’s comforting? Asking for a friend.
🛁 EXTRA BUBBLES 🛁
Days before Boston couple set to marry in Italy, their dog ate the groom's passport
If Michael Vick was the dog’s owner, the Air Bud lookalike would have SADLY been in the ring in no time.
Here’s the deal: I like dogs, even though I am allergic and they turn me into Wheezy from Toy Story. Allow me to be blunt, though: sometimes, you gotta put a dog in the kennel to show him or her who the boss is. Not in an inhumane way obviously, but in a way to teach the dog discipline.
I don’t think this dog, Chickie, was taught any discipline. She was probably allowed to (a) eat human food from a plate; (b) be on the furniture at all times; and (c) sleep in the bed alongside the future married couple with a gotdamn pillow. Can’t be having any of that.
The end result? The future groom’s passport gets eaten like it’s beef jerky.
I hope the couple is able to make it to Italy for their wedding, but if they aren’t, I bet Olive Garden and the local Italian community center are accepting last-minute reservations.
🏆 SPORTZ 🏆
ESPN: 'Blind Side' subject Oher alleges Tuohys made millions off lie
This story made its rounds throughout the NFL sphere last week, and I can see why — it turns out that The Blind Side was Fake News Central. It depicted, if my mush brain remembers correctly, this wealthy, generous, do-good-for-the-world family bringing in this homeless boy and making him part of the family while giving him all of the necessary skills — and comfortable living quarters — to succeed in life and football.
In reality, Oher was a five-star offensive tackle in high school on his own, and the family may have pulled a big ole scumbag move by swindling him into signing up for a conservatorship, when they legally could have adopted him instead, and profiting from a movie that depicted his life, with zero money allegedly being directed toward Oher. If what is being alleged is all true:
The family recently told TMZ that Oher “tried to shake them down for $15 million … and threatened them, saying if they didn’t pony up an eight-figure check, he’d ‘plant a negative story about them in the press.’”
Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy will enter into a consent order to end the conservatorship, their lawyer Randall Fishman said at a news conference Wednesday.
It is interesting that Oher just now filed a lawsuit after finding out in February 2023 about the conservatorship, much “to his chagrin and embarrassment.” More specifically, the gap between when he originally signed the conservatorship documents and when he found out he allegedly got taken to the cleaners is what stands out, especially when the family’s attorney pointed out that Oher “mentioned that the couple was his conservators three times in … Oher’s 2011 memoir.”
Altogether, I’m pretty confident the truth lies somewhere in the middle of this fiasco; we’ll find out soon enough.
AFC Preview
In last week’s Volume, I predicted the over or under win totals for each NFC team.
This week, yep you guessed it, I will predict the same for each AFC team. You may recall that I crapped the bed with my 2022 NFC predictions. However, with the AFC, I went to the bathroom and used the toilet, finishing with a 7-8-1 record.
Reminder: Please email your complaints to takealap@gmail.com.
Over/under win totals are via FanDuel as of Sunday.
— — —
Las Vegas Raiders (over/under 6.5 wins)
Out is QB Derek Carr, in is QB Jimmy Garoppolo. They’re pretty much the same quarterbacks, yet Jimmy G struggled to stay healthy during his time in San Francisco and is coming off foot surgery. It’s a plus that Jimmy G and his new head coach, Josh McDaniels, spent time together in New England, but I think that McDaniels is someone that has tried to put gas in a Tesla.
All told, though, this roster has too much talent on the roster to finish with six (or fewer) wins.
Prediction: Over 6.5 wins
Houston Texans (over/under 6.5 wins)
The Texans have a rookie head coach that I’m very high on in DeMeco Ryans, a new quarterback in rookie CJ Stroud, and a new defensive playmaker in rookie Will Anderson, but I think they are a year away from being competitive.
Prediction: Under 6.5 wins
Indianapolis Colts (over/under 6.5 wins)
Like the Texans, the Colts have a rookie head coach, former Philadelphia Eagles OC Shane Steichen, and a rookie quarterback, Anthony Richardson, who has massive upside — he’s an athletic freak and Cam Newton 2.0 — but also plenty of risk. He only started 13 games at Florida and finished with a career completion percentage of 54.7% (53.8% in 2022).
Steichen will rally Richardson and the rest of the troops.
Prediction: Over 6.5 wins
New England Patriots (over/under 7.5 wins)
New England’s defense is experienced and talented, but the offense has very few playmakers. Case in point, WR1 is either JuJu Smith-Schuster or DeVante Parker.
However, the team welcomed OC Bill O’Brien back into the fold, which is a huge upgrade over Tweedledum (Matt Patricia) and Tweedledee (Joe Judge), who handled the offensive game planning last season.
Call me crazy, but it sounds like Billy Boy Belichick might be on the hot seat, expeditiously increasing the sense of urgency for this team in 2023.
Prediction: Over 7.5 wins
Tennessee Titans (over/under 7.5 wins)
This team is competing for 2024 and beyond. Outside of RB Derrick Henry, the offensive skill players featured in The Longest Yard might just be better than what the Titans will trot out there in Week 1. (Yes, I know they signed DeAndre Hopkins, but I think he’s past his prime and has lost a step.) I wouldn’t be surprised if second-round QB Will Levis sees the field at some point this season.
Prediction: Under 7.5 wins
Denver Broncos (over/under 8.5 wins)
They literally cannot be as bad as last year’s dumpster fire. Beyond that …
Prediction: No idea
Pittsburgh Steelers (over/under 8.5 wins)
Mike Tomlin is still the head coach, correct? Looks like he is. He has never had a losing season since taking over at the helm in 2007. I have no reason to believe this season will deviate from that because the standard is the standard.
A future breakout star for the Black and Gold: WR George Pickens.
Prediction: Over 8.5 wins
Cleveland Browns (over/under 9.5 wins)
QB Deshaun Watson only played in six games last season due to, well, a suspension, and he was as awful as a quarterback as the acts he allegedly committed as an individual. He completed 58.2% of his passes, with seven touchdowns against five interceptions, and recorded a passer rating of 79.1. Had he qualified, his passer rating would have ranked 30th in the NFL.
Was his performance a setback for a major comeback, or a sign of things to come? Who the hell knows and who the hell cares, because buddy needs to continue repenting.
Prediction: Under 9.5 wins
Los Angeles Chargers (over/under 9.5 wins)
The addition of OC Kellen Moore might be the best thing to happen to QB Justin Herbert’s career. The offense should cook, but that run defense has been so bad since HC Brandon Staley took over and they didn’t really do anything to improve it in the offseason.
Notwithstanding that, the Chargers should make some noise in 2023.
Prediction: Over 9.5 wins
Jacksonville Jaguars (over/under 9.5 wins)
They added stud wide receiver Calvin Ridley during last year’s trade deadline, a player that has never been afraid to bet on himself. I wasn’t buying the slight hype surrounding the team last year, but I’m buying it this year if for no other reason than the division is a hot pile of trash.
Prediction: Over 9.5 wins
New York Jets (over/under 9.5 wins)
The following is based on pure emotion. I hope that the Jets suck sh*t and that Aaron Rodgers plays 65% of the snaps, a threshold that must be met in order for the Jets’ 2024 second-round draft selection going to the Green Bay Packers to convert to a first-round pick.
The defense should be quite good, but that offensive line may be quite bad. I’m willing the Jets sucking into existence with my prediction.
Prediction: Under 9.5 wins
Miami Dolphins (over/under 9.5 wins)
The million-dollar question: can QB Tua Tagovailoa stay healthy? The Dolphins were rolling until Tua started suffering concussion after concussion, but Miami still somehow made the playoffs.
I love the addition of DC Vic Fangio, but star cornerback Jalen Ramsey is out until December due to a knee injury and the schedule is a gauntlet — LAC on the road (Week 1), BUF on the road (Week 4), NYG at home (Week 5), PHI on the road (Week 7), KC on the road (Week 9), DAL at home (Week 16), BAL on the road (Week 17), and BUF at home (Week 18). That’s seven teams (eight games) from last year’s playoff field, all of whom are expected to make it back there in 2023.
Prediction: Under 9.5 wins
Baltimore Ravens (over/under 10.5 wins)
I love the potential of this team. They finally added some wide receivers for QB Lamar Jackson, with Odell Beckham and rookie Zay Flowers. Beckham is not what he once was, but he will at least command attention and is a substantial upgrade over their WR1 last season.
HC John Harbaugh also added Todd Monken as offensive coordinator; he was previously an NFL OC and was recently the OC at the University of Georgia.
The pass rush is a slight concern, but I’m confident they’ll figure it out.
Prediction: Over 10.5 wins
Buffalo Bills (over/under 10.5 wins)
Is this the year that the Bills FINALLY break through and make it to, and even win, the Super Bowl? I thought that year was last year as I picked them to play in the Super Bowl, only for them to bow out in the divisional round. I don’t have the answer to that right now, but they have too much talent on the roster to not win 11 games.
Prediction: Over 10.5 wins
Cincinnati Bengals (over/under 11.5 wins)
The Bengals added Orlando Brown to solidify their offensive line, but their secondary took two hits with the departures of Jessie Bates III and Vonn Bell. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are a lot of shootouts for them this season.
Prediction: Under 11.5 wins
Kansas City Chiefs (over/under 11.5 wins)
The squad still has the reigning MVP, their future Hall-of-Fame coach, and their future Hall-of-Fame tight end. Everything else will sort itself out.
Prediction: Over 11.5 wins
🤓 BATH TIME READING 🤓
It has been hotter than the fiery gates of hell here in Texas, so I would rather take a shower this week than practically lather myself in my own sweat in the tub.
I’ll take a bath next week.
If you chuckled and/or enjoyed it, make sure to forward it to others and/or share it on social. Any corrections, omissions, suggestions, etc., send 'em my way. Much love. -Tubz